Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
I am finally facing the lack of self-worth I have now, after this man. I used to be so strong and confident. I really thought I was going to be with him for the rest of my life. I gave everything of myself to him. I tried sooo hard to be everything he needed, wanted or could want. i was never enough. I hurt really deeply inside because I feel like no one will love me for who I am.
This spring he found out some deeply personal things about me, things I had alluded to, but never told him outright about my past. He used what he discovered against me, throwing it in my face over and over again. It was like he had finally found a trump card that could excuse his behavior because I hadn't told him everything. He made me feel like I was even lower than the dirt beneath his feet. Although, I never hid this information from him, he made me feel like I was impure, like I had lost value. I was no longer pristine. He made me feel like a fraud, like the kind, loving person I have always been was a fraud.
He told me the very first day that he saw me, I was helping an old lady down our street. I was holding her bags so that she could navigate the curbs. He told me that was when he knew he wanted to get to know me. I don't even feel comfortable talking to people anymore, and I feel like every guy only wants one thing. I know that there are good people out there, I have met them. I just don't believe I deserve to be around them.
He would always tell me I was a liar, that I was lying about everything, when I wasn't. I found myself questioning the integrity of my own character today. I have never mistreated anybody. I have never intentionally hurt or betrayed anyone, but yet his words keep coming back to haunt me. I am beginning to see just how royally he f*cked with my head. It makes me so angry.
I am so hurt by him. I am trying so hard to move on. Realizations of what he did to me comes in waves... I hate him, I miss him and a part of me still loves him.
This spring he found out some deeply personal things about me, things I had alluded to, but never told him outright about my past. He used what he discovered against me, throwing it in my face over and over again. It was like he had finally found a trump card that could excuse his behavior because I hadn't told him everything. He made me feel like I was even lower than the dirt beneath his feet. Although, I never hid this information from him, he made me feel like I was impure, like I had lost value. I was no longer pristine. He made me feel like a fraud, like the kind, loving person I have always been was a fraud.
He told me the very first day that he saw me, I was helping an old lady down our street. I was holding her bags so that she could navigate the curbs. He told me that was when he knew he wanted to get to know me. I don't even feel comfortable talking to people anymore, and I feel like every guy only wants one thing. I know that there are good people out there, I have met them. I just don't believe I deserve to be around them.
He would always tell me I was a liar, that I was lying about everything, when I wasn't. I found myself questioning the integrity of my own character today. I have never mistreated anybody. I have never intentionally hurt or betrayed anyone, but yet his words keep coming back to haunt me. I am beginning to see just how royally he f*cked with my head. It makes me so angry.
I am so hurt by him. I am trying so hard to move on. Realizations of what he did to me comes in waves... I hate him, I miss him and a part of me still loves him.
It helps to begin separating your feelings for him. Not "I love him", but I love who I thought he was, or he pretended he was. Or if you must, I love this or that part of him, but it isn't worth putting up with the rest of him.
I found a chatroom that helped me. It was just a bunch of women who were trying to clean up their homes. It became something more. I started laughing, only then realizing it had been a long time. They were the very first that I confided that I was not happy in my relationship, and I began to make steps. Like at least I could be accepted there. And people were happy to "see" me.
I attended a free board game group for a long time. This helped because you don't have to talk to people to play a game. It also helped me. Without realizing it I apologized at the end of every joke. Someone finally told me very simply that I don't need to apologize, my jokes are funny, and people like to hear them. While at first I was very quiet and blushed just thinking of talking, with time I became bubbly.
Little by little you will find yourself doing better with certain people or certain groups. It's ok to begin with the words "I'm shy".
It is good to think of something you like, or used to like, to do. Then find a group that does it. It's all the better if it's more about the hobby then the people so you can ease your way into social stuff slowly.
If he hasn't chased all your friends off, this is a good time to latch on to them.
You are worthy of kindness, even if you don't feel like it. Even if you have social quirks because of him.
We all have history or a past. Some parts we wish to share, others we prefer to keep to ourselves. Everyone makes mistakes in life, stumbles here or there, that's a fact of life. But also not important. What I mean is that it is what you do after those valleys that counts!
You can lay down and give up, hide your face in your hands... Or you can pull your shoulders back, stand tall, walk proud and hold your head high knowing you did something and bettered your life! Those judgmental souls out there may not have looked in the mirror long or hard enough to recognize their own faults and mistakes. That's ok too, maybe someday they will and then find themselves in the same shoes. No problem... It gives them a chance to grow as well. And we wish them well.
Please try to never let the past guide your future. Never let troubled souls tear you down. Instead walk proud and when someone tries to throw the past in your face.... Tell them "Yes, and I worked hard to build a new life for myself and am doing great! Thank you! Then smile and walk away tall and proud if you accomplishments!
You are making it and always remember that!
excellent advice about re-wording that phrase that still lingers in our head and heart. Thank you for sharing.
Freedom. It's really hard to move on. I am still struggling and holding on. Take good care.
with this kind of pain.
There may be little we can say that
would be of significant help here.
Here's my best suggestion:
SELF-CARE.
A consistent and prolonged
campaign of self-care will
begin to rebuild and possibly,
restore the belief in your
inner worth
that his abuse STOLE from you.
Here's a second suggestion:
To help counter the bond that
still remains, do the Clarifying
Index Card exercise. Doing that
will help you keep focused on
his acts of abuse, which will
serve to help you keep in mind
that an abuser is not worthy of
your loyalty and your precious
life.
You are a
flower on the
stem of the universe
which he CHOSE
to STOMP DOWN
INTO THE DIRT.
He DOESN'T DESERVE YOU.
We keep loving, because
that's the way we're wired.
But do this:
As much as that part of you
still loves him. . . . . .
love YOURSELF MORE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
It must be common among abuses, but mine calls me a liar a lot.
I'm not sure what advice I can give, but I do know that individual counseling is helpful. A therapist that is familiar with women in your situation, can help build up your self esteem again.
I have been there and I found myself please read my journals!
As for the part about him seeing u helping an old lady, oh boy, he knew from the moment he saw u that he was in with a chance of manipulating you by seeing your giving side!
Now I say in with a chance because you can still be giving but assertive and say no to abuse, but abusers put their money on a bet that most givers are push overs!
You are still her! She's still there,
Listen, as the weeks go by and no contact carries on his voice gets quieter and quieter and all those nasty horrible things he accused u of will slowly fade and in the fog that is clearing, you'll find you, standing there, and when u do, take real good care of her!!!
Don't date until u learn what it is u need to learn and what it is u need to teach yourself!
This is a journey, it's a tough one, but it's worth it's weight in hold because staying with them, ridged and not moving is the worst place on earth to be!!!
Keep up the healing, let yourself cry, let yourself asses what u experienced, allow yourself to process, to release, lift each block one at a time! Allow your triggers to go off !
Recognize your feelings, give them acknowledgments!
Xxxxxxx