Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
I am having a hard time breaking up with my significant other, and I think it maybe the best choice for me and my daughter. We have broken up several times in the past. The first time it was his decision, the next few times over the years mine... but I always go back.
I have been in a relationship for four years now. Eight months into the relationship my significant other cheated on me with a long distance friend who flew in from out of state to see him. He proceeded to break up with me to be with this woman, but once he found out how hard a long distance relationship was, he wanted to get back together, and said she was a mistake and he was sorry. During the next couple of years, he never broke complete contact with her. He said he never initiated the conversation, but if she called or email, he always responded. I told him if our relationship was going to work, she would need to be out of the picture, but it took him over a year to finally grant my wishes.
The thing is, during our entire relationship, he has always been very flirty with other women, and kind of hid the fact that we were dating until the last year. I have had to go through several siituations that were very hurtful and made me lose alot of self worth (and I gained alot of weight).
He has also grown very needy. He gets upset at me if I kiss him only 3 seconds long instead of 10 seconds. He gets hurt if he sends me a text and I dont reciprocate with the exact same wording he sent me. We only see each other on the weekends and he wants that sexual intimacy every weekend. If I dont have the drive a particular weekend, it is my duty to try anyways because he needs it, and I need to fill his need. If I dont, he pouts like a small child the rest of the day and the whole weekend is ruined. Dont get me wrong, I am very loving and caring with him and show him in everyway that I love him, but the neediness is driving me away and making me slowly put walls up around my heart. Plus he says I am the one who is destroying our relationship and what am I going to do to make it better. He does no wrong, he is never at fault.
I want to leave, but I always go back... I am always thinking it will get better and it never does. Am I really being the heartless person he says I am, and this is all in my head, or should I move on.
He isnt happy, I am not happy... I think we would both be happier if we move on. He wants to get married, I dont want too. I have never even moved in with him, and have never been able to see us living together or having kids. I feel like I am wasting my time that I could give to someone else. I just dont know what holds me in this place, and keeps me from moving forward. Even now with the holidays, I am wondering if it is best to wait until after, or rip the bandaid off now.
I am scared I will go back, I always do...its my pattern.
I have been in a relationship for four years now. Eight months into the relationship my significant other cheated on me with a long distance friend who flew in from out of state to see him. He proceeded to break up with me to be with this woman, but once he found out how hard a long distance relationship was, he wanted to get back together, and said she was a mistake and he was sorry. During the next couple of years, he never broke complete contact with her. He said he never initiated the conversation, but if she called or email, he always responded. I told him if our relationship was going to work, she would need to be out of the picture, but it took him over a year to finally grant my wishes.
The thing is, during our entire relationship, he has always been very flirty with other women, and kind of hid the fact that we were dating until the last year. I have had to go through several siituations that were very hurtful and made me lose alot of self worth (and I gained alot of weight).
He has also grown very needy. He gets upset at me if I kiss him only 3 seconds long instead of 10 seconds. He gets hurt if he sends me a text and I dont reciprocate with the exact same wording he sent me. We only see each other on the weekends and he wants that sexual intimacy every weekend. If I dont have the drive a particular weekend, it is my duty to try anyways because he needs it, and I need to fill his need. If I dont, he pouts like a small child the rest of the day and the whole weekend is ruined. Dont get me wrong, I am very loving and caring with him and show him in everyway that I love him, but the neediness is driving me away and making me slowly put walls up around my heart. Plus he says I am the one who is destroying our relationship and what am I going to do to make it better. He does no wrong, he is never at fault.
I want to leave, but I always go back... I am always thinking it will get better and it never does. Am I really being the heartless person he says I am, and this is all in my head, or should I move on.
He isnt happy, I am not happy... I think we would both be happier if we move on. He wants to get married, I dont want too. I have never even moved in with him, and have never been able to see us living together or having kids. I feel like I am wasting my time that I could give to someone else. I just dont know what holds me in this place, and keeps me from moving forward. Even now with the holidays, I am wondering if it is best to wait until after, or rip the bandaid off now.
I am scared I will go back, I always do...its my pattern.
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My 6mo twin DD's are EBF and just started rice cereal on the first. Everything has been going fine except this morning one of them had a diaper rash (lots of redness around her anus). I read this as one of the signs of an allergy. BUT I did just buy a different brand diaper yesterday (which they have used randomly before w/no issues). Do you think its the cereal or the diaper? Im ready to start...
I wish the best for you !
I know you will get great friendship and advice on here, I am new myself and married for 26 years, trying to figure out how to leave !
Take care
C
And as to staying "friends."
Why stay connected with an abuser in any way?
Love yourself ---- and get and STAY FREE.
It's all about codependent relationships and how to move on - or parts of it is.
You will leave when you have the courage. It takes courage. Don't be too hard on yourself. It is immensely painful separating from a long term relationship, but at the same time it provides you the opportunity to sort out who you are to you, what you want and how you want to feel about yourself. Until you feel good about yourself NO MATTER how he tries to make you feel, you may need him to push you further until you absolutely can't stand it any longer. It's often the way. My suggestion - keep working on making yourself happy and let him take responsibility for himself. You are not responsible for him, only yourself.
I really never saw it as a co-dependent relationship on my part. He, I believe is co-dependent to an extent, but I have never honestly thought of myself as co-dependent. I dont want to marry him, we have never lived together, I only see him on the weekends. I can go through the day, or week with out seeing him just fine. The times we are together can be fun, and they are really great. I miss those times, there hasnt been alot of those, and I know the bad outweighs the good.
I am a caregiver to an extent, but I want it to be mutual. I want a man who will do the man type things for me. Drive when we go out (I always drive). Hook up a surround sound system (I hooked his up because he didnt know how to, and I didnt either but did so by reading the manual). Come to my house to visit me (I always go to his house, hence, the reason he only sees me on the weekends, because he has 'too much to do' and is 'too busy' to come visit me. But yet complains we dont see each other enough. I feel like the man in the relationship. I do love him, and I do care about him. He thinks love will get you through everything, I dont believe that. I can love him all I want, but it doesnt make me happy. In a sense, he makes me feel like I am the bitch because I want more.. he loves me afterall, isnt that enough??
We had a talk last night. I thought maybe we would get through it. But I see now, he is just amusing me by listening to me because he never says anything but we will get through this. He never says he is going to do anything to change it... and now our communication is worse than ever. He isnt even making effort. I am doing the effort to contact him. And now, he is saying he is just to drained of energy and tired.
I really think I need to bail... this isnt going to get better. Right now I am trying to decide if I need to hold out until after christmas to make it a peaceful holiday with our families. I do worry, I will try again.. I have tried again several times and it hasnt work.
What's the definition of insanity...'trying the same thing over and over and expecting a different result?' Yup, Im there...
I have my own small room upstairs THANK GOD!
Anyway I think you are just lonely and know he is there, try to figure out how to get out and meet some new people maybe when you aren't trying hard you will find a GEM! (That is the way it seems to be when you Aren't looking)! Merry Christmas, C
By the time I was able to make a clean break from my ex, I was SO over the arguing, the mental anguish, the emotional vacuum he created. Boy, nothing to miss there!
My ex did the same, whenever I'd think I'd have him pinned down to give me some REAL answers to REAL questions, he'd always create a diversion, and it was typically something like what you said. He'd say something like, 'can't we just start over and put all of the arguing behind us?' 'Can't we just focus on our love and the future we have?'
Sure, that would have been great, but they're just blowing smoke; they don't mean it, they just are biding their time until they can figure out how to worm their way out of an awkward moment they're having!
When you said, "He wants what he wants when he wants it. He gets mad when I say, if I am not making you happy then you need to find someone who will because I have given everything I got. Then he makes me feel back because he says he would never give up on the relationship."
UGH. I can't tell you how many times I've dealt with this exact same thing.
Try to get some therapy, keep reading, do what you can to make some plans before you start losing who you are (this is a big reason I went int full No Contact mode).
My relationship for 2 years was very controlling, he never did anything wrong, it was always me making the amends. Not anymore! This last break - up was he text me saying Good Morning; and I told him good morning I was getting ready for church. He text back saying; you will be late as usual..anyway I wrote back whatever.. I got to church on time, and kept sitting in a pew with some older ladies, so I sat in front of him, and told him I made it in time. That wasn't good enough, he wanted me to come back on his row and sit, when he could have come and sat with me.
Never the less he text me and saying hope I was proud of embarassing him in church. Anyway, he didn't make any amends what he said to me , he expected me to make the amends not him. I have always gone down the wrong roads, today I am learning to only go down those paved roads, too many bumps on the wrong roads. Don't feel like you have to do something, if you don't want to do it. Let him get mad!
You know mine wants to get married, I don't! I made my mind after this break-up I wasn't going back. Red flags ; codependency in our relationship. I am going to work on me and change me, I can't change him. I hope you have a Wonderful Holidays with or without him. Someone told me if you go back into the relationship you are still going to get the same results!
Since I am a mother, I do have that nurturing caregiver spirit. For the longest time I did everything I could to make him happy and be there for his every need. I regret to say, in the beginning it was sometimes at the expense of quality time with my daughter. Now my daughter is with me all the time and my focus has been turned to her, and he feels left out. He actually gets mad at me if I show her affection at his house and dont show him any. He is jealous of my daughter. This is ridiculous, and the more I think about it, the more I need to end this cycle.
I am supposed to go over to see him this evening... it speaks volumes that I am dreading it. The last two weekends have ended in fights and arguements. He still isnt listening to what I have told him in my emails... it all always boils down to me not being loving and affectionate enough because the sexual intimacy that I have towards him doesnt exist due to the neediness that I owe him that and if I dont do that then it means I dont love or care or want him. I am exasperated... I think its going to be a mommy-daughter weekend.