Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
In fact, I haven't been able to stick to it at all. He rented a house and his son moved out, and he didn't really. He took some of his stuff. Has a bed there, but for all intents and purposes he still lives with me. He comes back every night at 10 or 11 to go to bed with me. Twice I have told him not to, this last time saying we need to stick to extremely limited contact. But I question myself. And he puts me on a guilt trip. I feel good (sort of) with him gone so why can't I just truly let go. I feel like I am addicted to something I know is so bad for me but I crave it. If I so desperately want my life back why when it is right there at my fingertips don't I grab hold????
Try this:
A couple nights ahead,
maybe for next week,
tell him:
Stay at your place
next Wednesday
night.
Then stick to that.
Just one night.
A week later, pick
another night. A
couple nights ahead
tell him:
Stay at your place
next Tuesday night.
STICK TO IT.
Keep doing this.
A couple months later,
add a night.
Stay at your place
next Tuesday and
Wednesday nights.
Stick to it.
By the way, how does
he guilt you? What
does he say? What
does he claim. We
may be able to help
you with that.
After awhile, when he's
been sleeping at his
place two, three, four
nights a week, you'll
be more able to get
him out a whole week
at a time, and then
you're on your way.
You mentioned HIS
son. Do you not
have children together?
If not, this is really good!
Don't worry about
No Contact right now.
Start by getting him
out of your bed! As
you do this more and
more, you'll be better
able to ultimately
get him out of
your life.
The only way to clear that 'fog' is by going total No Contact and getting proper support.
And that is why many of us keep suggesting total No Contact. I know how hard it is. I started and stopped more times than I can count.
Ilene talks about this a lot. Here is an excerpt from one of her comments:
"Humans evolved biologically to
stay bonded, even if it's detrimental.
(It was a mechanism to keep
couples together to raise children.
It didn't evolve for the benefit of the
individual.) The issue is NOT
ANYTHING or ANY WEAKNESS
of YOURS."
There is also something called trauma bonding. Here is a post I wrote about it a while back.
http://www.dailystrength.org/c/Physical_Emotional_Abuse/forum/19534739-trauma-bonding
As Ilene & many of us suggest, its really important to get support for this with a qualified therapist who is specially trained in trauma & abuse recovery. That means the therapist has additional training over and above what they are required to have to earn & maintain their degrees & licenses.
Here is a great source that you can do right now that will help. It's called Ilene's Clarifying Index Card Exercise.
http://www.dailystrength.org/c/Physical_Emotional_Abuse/forum/11590808-ilenes-clarifying-index-card-exercise
~healing hugs~
Hugs
He doesn't want your issues.
Tell him all of the things that he's telling you...
And don't worry about "failure". Failure is another word for Still Trying. And that's a virtue not a fault.
{{{{{hugs}}}}}