Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
My wife was sick with the flu all weekend. I went over on Sunday, so that I could watch the kids, and she could sleep. She's still not feeling the greatest.
But I didn't let that stop me.
Today, I turned in the form that would transfer my paycheck from our joint (Ha!) account, to my personal one. I'm going to establish certain bills that I will be taking over, and others (mostly her credit cards) that I will let her be in control of - and she can ask me for the money to pay for them.
I'm scared.
I'm scared of taking on this massive responsibility. I'm scared of trying to untangle the knots and mess she's made of our finances. I'm scared of what her response is going to be.
But the truth is, she has not been a good steward of my money. She has failed to tithe on multiple occasions, she spends way too much time out and about with her friends and the kids, spends money like a drunken sailor, and will not exercise the self-control needed to get us out of this mess.
Oh, Lord, she's gonna go completely Librarian-poo (in the words of Terry Pratchett). I'm telling her in session today, but it's already a done deal. I'm taking control back from her, bit by bit.
But I didn't let that stop me.
Today, I turned in the form that would transfer my paycheck from our joint (Ha!) account, to my personal one. I'm going to establish certain bills that I will be taking over, and others (mostly her credit cards) that I will let her be in control of - and she can ask me for the money to pay for them.
I'm scared.
I'm scared of taking on this massive responsibility. I'm scared of trying to untangle the knots and mess she's made of our finances. I'm scared of what her response is going to be.
But the truth is, she has not been a good steward of my money. She has failed to tithe on multiple occasions, she spends way too much time out and about with her friends and the kids, spends money like a drunken sailor, and will not exercise the self-control needed to get us out of this mess.
Oh, Lord, she's gonna go completely Librarian-poo (in the words of Terry Pratchett). I'm telling her in session today, but it's already a done deal. I'm taking control back from her, bit by bit.
My wife initiated the splitting of finances, so I didn't have the awkward position you are in, but as for the actual split, it's SOOOOOO much better!! It'll be great after the dust settles. Good luck!
Keep on untangling.
It's hard but you'll
be so glad, in the
long run.
Take good care.
Let us know how it goes! Regardless of the tantrum you know she's going to throw, you did the right thing for you!
and good for you, taking control of the finances. My husband has a Masters of Finance and one in Accounting too, so I've never really had an opportunity to be a part of the control of money. It kind of defaulted to him (I let that happen though)
Power over resources is so important to establish.
This is a huge, very important step in the right direction.
I hope things go as easy as possible for you.
((((((((((((((((((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))))))))))))
She started the session off with complaining about me not giving up my saturday last week to watch my son so she could scrapbook with friends. She complained that she never gets the chance to just say 'no, thanks' and not have the kids. I asked her what the heck she was talking about - her mom watched the kids on saturday, and she went and watched the hobbit with her brothers and dad. (While sick, and after having cancelled our date the night before.) I got angry at one point, when she expressed 'I was hurt by the fact that you weren't willing to spend time with your sick son.' But took umbrage when I commented that I didn't appreciate her equating her dissapointment with my own choice with my not being a good father.
Then I broke the news to her. I told her - as gently as I could - that I felt she had not been a very good steward with my money, so I had taken steps. The therapist asked why I had taken steps without discussing it in session, at least, if I feared a meltdown. For the most part, my wife just sat and silently cried. She did comment 'how am I supposed to trust you? I could come to you to ask for 50 bucks to have sushi with my friends, and you could say no.'
I said, 'Yeah, and sometimes, I will. When things are as tight as they are, sometimes someone needs to say no. There have been weeks where upon recieving the news that we only 20 dollars left in the account for the week, I would go without eating lunches. At all. To learn that she had gotten sushi with a friend, taken the kids (plus a few extras) to McDonalds, and maybe a visit to Red Lobster."
I told her, this was not a sign of the deterioration of our relationship - I am sick of being in the dark about my own money, and I'm taking charge over my own life. I told her that really, whether we got back together or divorced, this is something that was going to happen, because it needed to happen.
I'm just tired of it all. I'm done asking for respect - I'm just demanding it now. One thing really bothered me, though. Once the therapist left the room to process our payment, she was crying hard. Leaned forward, with her back to me. I knew she was going to be upset - no problems here. And then she asked me if I was planning on cutting myself. It was the only thing she said while the therapist was out. So many alarm bells. I responded, 'no, actually. But you don't worry about me - you take care of you.'
So, all told, two counts of 'I don't like your choice, therefore you're a bad father,' three counts of gaslighting, an awful lot of 'you expect me to trust you with the money?!?' (Which always got the response of a cheerful nod and a 'yup!') one count of reminding me of my shame (that's my generous interpretaion - the more nefarious option is she is trying to plant ideas.) And the quick vanish when we climbed in the car and she needed to talk on the phone to someone. Although she was still crying, so I admit the possibility of her DBT sessions working.
God was good to me while I was there, though. I sat like a stone, calm, collected, and felt much the same way inside, although there was that little spot wanting to break out in nervous sweat. I can do hard things. And I rewarded myself with a double burger on my way to rehearsal afterwards. And then worked out for about an hour when I got home. Still a little wired to go to sleep, though.
He immediately popped up with 'I feel afraid, I feel trapped, I feel rejected, and I feel abandoned.' THe therapist siad 'and that's ok - those are valid emotions'
Little thought in my head was 'I wonder why her emotions are my emotions from recent conversations, huh? And how is my offering to continue to pay her bills, just requiring her to come to me with it abandoning her?' It's just mirroring. I don't doubt she's feeling some pretty powerful negative emotions, but that's not it.
You can do hard things. You have the inner strength within you.
Hugs,
Hang in there it can be done. It does get really ugly. But after 6 or 7 attorneys (I wish I was exaggerating!) I am divorced and now down to 0. They entangle on purpose.
Keep gathering validation of these sane actions. She is going to throw several books at you - prepare!
What a dirty trick that was of hers when the therapist's back was turned... that was meant to guilt you as far as I can see. A rotten jab at a half-healed wound that SHE caused! They're a nightmare...
Keep going. We are all with you :) xx