Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
I have been considering pretend healing, real healing...everything in my life, who I am and well, all of the fallout of a life time of abuse. I see a therapist each week with my kids (technically theirs because I don't have insurance) who is sweet enough to also talk to me during "family therapy". I have a therapist that I cannot afford and am still waiting for them to figure out I have negative money/income for the free therapist.
I just feel like I am teetering. That I may go either straight up from here or straight down.
Tonight, I was just so pissy. My son needs to install the printer for his and my daughter's homework, one disk, I let him have a go while I take care of dinner. Next thing I know, even my wallpaper is different! I spent hours on my broken down computer that I just reloaded in hopes of it working without needing a new one just for the kids to use the printer. In the mean time, the cat that drives me crazy (and yes, I also love) is driving me insane, biting me (probably needs a liter change, because I did food and water) and throwing up in the floor (been to the vet, the only possibility is exploratory surgery - I borrowed the money for just the check), emergency run to the store and the clerk gives me the wrong item once I get home and open it, my cousin asked for my card for $40 of groceries because her kids have NO food and I later find she spent $100, my son reappears at almost midnight still working on paragraph two, then needs it typed and still needs it printed.
Okay, intellectually, I get it. Who the hell is caring about me? I set these boundaries because I know I HAVE TO. My daughter cleaned up the cat throw up, because as far as I'm concerned love the cat, but can't do it alone. My son, was told hours before to take care of school work, sorry, you have to turn in what you have in. My cousin will pay me back in full or else (something I'm not sure of, but for sure I'm not there in the future)....I know, I know, I know...
But then...I just can't. Poor cat, poor daughter who will cry over the cat, poor son with bad grades, poor cousin's kids starving in the back seat...and I do it all over again.
And here I sit getting no sleep, knowing I will get up bright and early and get everyone off, do what I have to do...while inside I am both gaining more strength AND becoming...almost suicidal.
I look and think, no wonder this Narc targeted me...everyone does and they are even decent people with some conscious!
I just want to get a handle on ME. I am so smart, so good, so beautiful, what the hell am I doing?
I just feel like I am teetering. That I may go either straight up from here or straight down.
Tonight, I was just so pissy. My son needs to install the printer for his and my daughter's homework, one disk, I let him have a go while I take care of dinner. Next thing I know, even my wallpaper is different! I spent hours on my broken down computer that I just reloaded in hopes of it working without needing a new one just for the kids to use the printer. In the mean time, the cat that drives me crazy (and yes, I also love) is driving me insane, biting me (probably needs a liter change, because I did food and water) and throwing up in the floor (been to the vet, the only possibility is exploratory surgery - I borrowed the money for just the check), emergency run to the store and the clerk gives me the wrong item once I get home and open it, my cousin asked for my card for $40 of groceries because her kids have NO food and I later find she spent $100, my son reappears at almost midnight still working on paragraph two, then needs it typed and still needs it printed.
Okay, intellectually, I get it. Who the hell is caring about me? I set these boundaries because I know I HAVE TO. My daughter cleaned up the cat throw up, because as far as I'm concerned love the cat, but can't do it alone. My son, was told hours before to take care of school work, sorry, you have to turn in what you have in. My cousin will pay me back in full or else (something I'm not sure of, but for sure I'm not there in the future)....I know, I know, I know...
But then...I just can't. Poor cat, poor daughter who will cry over the cat, poor son with bad grades, poor cousin's kids starving in the back seat...and I do it all over again.
And here I sit getting no sleep, knowing I will get up bright and early and get everyone off, do what I have to do...while inside I am both gaining more strength AND becoming...almost suicidal.
I look and think, no wonder this Narc targeted me...everyone does and they are even decent people with some conscious!
I just want to get a handle on ME. I am so smart, so good, so beautiful, what the hell am I doing?
The son gets up today and complains that he doesn't like the new toilet paper??....What trash shop did you buy that shit in??.....
Then other teen yesterday barges past me in the bathroom as if i wasn't in there and starts washing her teeth....I say em hello?...Sorry but I'm using the bathroom right now just in case you didn't notice...I mean since you obviously didn't notice?....Then I get a load of lip like whats the big deal whats yourrrr very disrespectfully.....
I have no car. I can't afford one the ex took the family car...Instead I have a motorbike..I got the (Shit) toilet paper and all our food back home this weekend by tying bags and bags onto the back of my motor bike....One bag burst and fell off the bike in the middle of a main road....I had to stop the bike and all the traffic...and at 51 years of age I had to crawl around on the ground picking up all the bits and pieces....While a lovely woman, a total stranger ran around also helping me... Then I had a mini fit at home telling all teens that I deserve respect and expect respect and that I won't tolerate disrespect!
Its a constant struggle at times and like you......I feel the same at times...Just where do WE come into it?..
FarAndAway is so right....We just do.what we have to do....and it can be soul destroyingly tough at times..'But...today is a new day. Life goes on, with its ups and downs'.
Its not at all easy......And we should congratulate ourselves more often on how good we do manage..and how well we do cope?..
While my asshole abusive ex only does an hour or so by taking our son off for a burger around every 10 days???? (Total loser father).
Yes we are smart and good and unfortunately often no-one IS caring about us....and as a mother....Everyone else usually comes first....Its not that you're a sucker....Thats just the nature of the job...
So we have to 'take' time to care about ourselves.....and know when its time to clock off and relax and to make an effort to take care of us.....Even if its to lock ourselves into the bathroom with a big bubbly bath and something to read?...
As for your cousin...Lesson learned I hope....
Keep going...It won't always be so tough...Children grow up but you will always love them...and they will also always love you and they will likely be your best allies in the future.....
I say to myself...Yes my ex has it very easy....But I get to see my beautiful (if spolit and disrespectful at times) children grow up....And thats a terrible loss that he will always have....
I hope you're feeling much better today?...Hugs all....