Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group

Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.

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freedomatlonglast 02/13/2014

I just realized how damn tired I am of hearing the words 'get over it'!

Not just in regards to my situation, but to other people's as well. In this modern day society of quick-fix's, everyone expects to get things instantaneously... Including healing!!!

I have had friends come up to me amd say they think I am depressed because I don't want to go out with them. Or because I don't always seem happy or upbeat, yet I am unwilling to talk about what is bothering me.

Tonight, it really hit me. I am/have been heartbroken. My heart broke! I lost the man I thought I was going to marry, the illusion of who I thought that man was and who I was in relation to him... And I lost my family. I lostthe illusion of ever having a loving and healthy family as well... And if I have someone tell me to just get over it, I am going to scream!!!

Overall, I am doing so well... I feel good, for the first time in forever. A smule comes naturally to my face now, and I want to go see more people and hang out with my friends more. However, that doesn't mean I am all better... People unfamiliar with these situations don't understand that you still lost pieces of your life, your soul and someone that you thought you loved/did/do love... They don't understand the loss of a lifestyle, of dreams, of a future you have come to depend upon.

There is an ache in the middle of my chest where he and my family usedto be. It is slowly filling... I am surprised that people thought I could get over such losses so quickly. There is no drive-thru for healing. I look back at the last few months after I finally left him, and can see so clearly that my heart was broken. I was grieving!!! And I was made to feel bad about not wanting to go to rowdy bars or parades, ect!

Everyone I know who has been abused has told me they have heaed the same thing... Get over it!!! So what are your 'get over it' experiences? Situations, people, places or things that make you feel like you should just 'get over it'?

deleted_user 02/13/2014

My psychiatrist has a "get over it" attitude. He always says events in my life are 10% and how I deal with them is 90%. He thinks I am capable of coping with all the abuse and manipulation I have been through. He says the time I spend thinking about my past and the trauma is "drinking the poison" because I am choosing to feel bad about it.

I have disagreed with him on that point for a long time. In my opinion, he is stonewalling me and not recognizing my history of helplessness. So my experience with "get over it" is having all the responsibility of getting over it being on me. I am terrified that getting over it means getting used to it. I don't want to get used to being manipulated and abused. I have not figured out how to get over things but I'm working on it.

My fear is getting used to people I love being in danger, hurting themselves, then asking for help and having me refuse to help them. I don't want that but it seems to be my psychiatrists attitude.

I plan to confront him with my fears of getting used to trauma and not reacting with alarm or a sense of urgency when I hear about others being sick or hurt. I'm not there yet. He says to have compassion and do what I can to help. I think he doesn't recognize the involuntary panic response I have to the news that a member of my family is on life support and comatose from an overdose of sleeping pills. He always says it is only 10% of my life.

So that's my story of getting over it. Getting over it apparently means getting used to it and not dwelling on it. I get mad at that.

FarAndAway 02/13/2014

I totally relate to your experience. People think that leaving an abusive man is a good and obvious thing to do and therefore you should be happy about it. What they don't get is that he was still my husband that I loved deeply, he was still the father of my kids and I'm not going to find a replacement for him, ever. But, no matter, I should be happy and over it by now. And another one that chaps my hide is when people place the blame for his continued bad behavior on me! Well, they say, if you would stop being so difficult, if you would be more cooperative, he wouldn't behave that way! (Like if I try to explain the concept of no contact. When I tell people that he has a right to contact with the children, but not me.) Oh, what a difficult woman I am and what a message I'm giving to my kids by not being friendly with their father! (My kids get it, thankfully.)

So aggravating. I mostly don't talk about it anymore.

azkevin 02/13/2014

I think most of the time people that say that have good intentions in their hearts. They want to see you happy. But it is invalidating to hear, because your emotions happen naturally, and you can't just snap your fingers and make them go away. It's impossible to just "get over it". And everyone wants to "get over it", so when they are telling you that and you know you can't, it just makes you feel like a failure.

After I had broken up with an abusive ex, some of my friends basically told me to "get over it". They wanted me to just jump into bed with someone else and forget her. But I was hurt. I was going to al-anon meetings to try and figure out what my emotions were, and my friends would say, "why are you still going to those meetings? You broke up 3 months ago." I did notice it was mostly my female friends telling me this. My male friends seemed to be more sympathetic.

deleted_user 02/13/2014

O.M.G. ! I was so fed up with others telling me to do this when I was involved with a dangerous abuser who I had to move across the country to get away from, and to be safe. I couldn't just '''get over it'', when in my case, it was a matter of life or death. I wouldn't talk about this with your friends that don't understand or who have not been through abuse Find a domestic violence support group. Try the domestic violence shelter in your area. Most have community support groups for free. You don't have to live there to get help. Stay on this site, we can help you, because we have experienced what you have, and we do understand. You are not alone.

RockinBunny 02/13/2014

Agreed. This can be very invalidating.

I have personally only had the close cousin of "Get over it!" said to me, and that too by a narcissist: "You should be over this by now!"

I don't think you ever really get over it. It gets lighter over time, but I don't think it is reasonable for anyone to expect us to be exactly as we were before these things happened to us.

Life subtly and not-so-subtly changes people all the time. And abuse is something perhaps even beyond being able to be described as 'life-changing'. It just affects so much for a person. And those effects do not magically switch off when you walk out the door...

Whatever wording is used, I also often feel worst about a time definition being put on healing by those people who have never been through what I have. If a fellow abuse victim or professional who has proven themselves trustworthy to me says something about how my healing looks to be going, I feel inclined to listen and consider it more.

Great point, freedom! xxx

deleted_user 02/13/2014

I am experiencing the "get over it" a lot lately. My close friends and my mother have become people I kinda don't want to tell anything to anymore. I get off the phone with my mother (especially my mother) and feel like shit! I called to pour out my heart to her since she has been my rock, but instead of feeling better or comforted I felt judged and condemned. In fact I have been feeling the sense of wanting to avoid conversations period.

serenitystar 02/13/2014

So true, people who haven't experienced abusive relationships just don't understand how painful it is to leave. They think we should be glad to leave with no heartache, but it doesn't work that way.

Yes it's healthier to be away from abuse and safer, but if you loved your abuser and wanted a future it still hurts and it's okay to grieve and be over it in your own way and in your own time.

deleted_user 02/13/2014

I've been told... "You just need to accept it" I realized that I had to stop venting to that person. As a kindness to her. I didn't call her back until I had something to say that had nothing to do with my situation. I realized I was probably being really poor company and I was afraid she cringed when she saw my name on the caller screen!
I think "Get over it" really means.. "I'm sick of hearing about it"

Thank goodness there are support groups like this one so that people have a place to come and vent and discuss topics that are interesting to the other members.

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