Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
although my ex is not living at my house he does not have a permanent address yet so i still get his mail. i was hanging out with my son who is almost 5, and since he was playing with the mail i tossed him an envelope addressed to my ex that clearly looked like harmless junk mail for him to open. luckily, it contained a second envelope that said EXPLICIT MATERIAL 18 AND OVER so i was able to grab it before he had images of oiled skin and man junk burned onto his eyeballs for eternity.
this was super hardcore, super gay porn. not the type that would show up unsolicited, indeed there were messages all over it with a number to call if you received it by mistake. no, this was the type of mailing list you get on because you want to get on, like a conga line on a cruise ship, because your credit card number was involved, and possibly gift wrapping. naturally i climbed the highest hill i could find and sounded my conch shell to assemble my team of friends and loved ones who have agonized over the gory details of my divorce from the beginning. they let me scream and cry while they sympathetically draped a blanket over my shoulders and heated up soup, i figured they deserved to see this latest insane turn of events.
since i threw him out a year and a half ago i have explored all the corners of the emotional roller coaster.....self doubt, rage, regret, fear, sadness, thirst from constant yelling......but if you had told me i would welcome the idea that he was GAY? well nice move universe, i zig, you zag! again!
i thought i had long given up making any sense out of his behavior. i had reconciled myself to the fact that he treated me like crap to treat me like crap, and trying to figure out his motives had kept me hypnotized for the majority of our marriage and in it longer than i should have been. but if anyone could be a middle aged closeted homosexual, it is my ex. and if anyone could be so angry about his self-imposed prison that he hurt everyone around him, it is my ex. and there is a part of me that wishes so much it were true because at least there would be some small sense of balance, some minor detail of continuity and reason.
i find my brain looks so hard for this satisfying version of our story i don't have the heart to tell it that is doesn't change anything. any excuse given for abuse is no excuse. but it is mighty depressing to realize that i honestly can't say if he could be gay or not because i do not know this man at all, and my poor brain has to live with the knowledge that we were married to a stranger who could be sexually attracted to pork products for all i know. one more thing to throw on the pile of things that will make me doubt my instincts forever.
this was super hardcore, super gay porn. not the type that would show up unsolicited, indeed there were messages all over it with a number to call if you received it by mistake. no, this was the type of mailing list you get on because you want to get on, like a conga line on a cruise ship, because your credit card number was involved, and possibly gift wrapping. naturally i climbed the highest hill i could find and sounded my conch shell to assemble my team of friends and loved ones who have agonized over the gory details of my divorce from the beginning. they let me scream and cry while they sympathetically draped a blanket over my shoulders and heated up soup, i figured they deserved to see this latest insane turn of events.
since i threw him out a year and a half ago i have explored all the corners of the emotional roller coaster.....self doubt, rage, regret, fear, sadness, thirst from constant yelling......but if you had told me i would welcome the idea that he was GAY? well nice move universe, i zig, you zag! again!
i thought i had long given up making any sense out of his behavior. i had reconciled myself to the fact that he treated me like crap to treat me like crap, and trying to figure out his motives had kept me hypnotized for the majority of our marriage and in it longer than i should have been. but if anyone could be a middle aged closeted homosexual, it is my ex. and if anyone could be so angry about his self-imposed prison that he hurt everyone around him, it is my ex. and there is a part of me that wishes so much it were true because at least there would be some small sense of balance, some minor detail of continuity and reason.
i find my brain looks so hard for this satisfying version of our story i don't have the heart to tell it that is doesn't change anything. any excuse given for abuse is no excuse. but it is mighty depressing to realize that i honestly can't say if he could be gay or not because i do not know this man at all, and my poor brain has to live with the knowledge that we were married to a stranger who could be sexually attracted to pork products for all i know. one more thing to throw on the pile of things that will make me doubt my instincts forever.
My ex boyfriend, I honestly thought might be gay, when I first met him. My friends actually thought he was, by his manner, his dress, the fact that he shaved his body hair, some, not all. That he wore a big straw floppy hat to protect his skin from the sun. Or that he had to insist on putting sun protectant on me to protect my skin and bug spray on to protect me another time. That he liked to shop with me and insisted on waiting outside the fitting room while I tried on clothes and giving his approval. He had lots of eccentricities that I did not mind, that in my mind were effeminate.
I had been beaten and abused in so many ways by hardened men that I welcomed a softer type man.
Then when we finally got physical, I learned he had a very sadistic side to him, biting, pinching, pulling hair, spanking..etc. Without even viewing porn.
I feel deep down, he had a history of abuse, physical or sexual or maybe both. To him, sex is about power, control and dominance. There was never any foreplay, such as kissing. It was simply an act to prove you were his.
I also feel with an abuser, this is a common trait. Not necessarily the sadistic part of it, but the sexual part feeling more like you are an object to be dominated and controlled.
Did he eventually move on to the porn in front of me? Yes. Did it upset me? The porn..not really. I find porn cheesy and sometimes even just funny and bad acting, it does nothing for me. What upset me is the feeling that he needed it to be turned on to be with me.
Regardless, I think abusers have a common link in that sex just serves a purpose...to suit them and their needs. Whether they have sex with a man, woman or whatever. It is all about them. Just like life in general.
Both used sex and porn to hurt me in a psycho-sexual way. I never had any problem with porn, either, until each of them hurt me with it. With the first, I ordered him a subscription ot Playboy. With the second, early on, he brought up that he was going to stop looking at porn now that we were exculsive and I said "Why?" (I knew nothing about his addiction.) My issues with porn coming from my realtionships with these 2 men.
My husband rented a barn which was filled with hundreds of thousands of porn magazines, and he spent his time there looking at porn rather than working or being at home. he also traingualted me with his porn, involving me in his magazines and films, and used me like a blow-up doll, until I refused to participate. He cheated often, and blamed the porn, and me, for accepting it. He cheated with my friends, and then talked about it in my ear while having sex with me. By the end of life with him, I hated porn.
By the time I met the second P, 10 years after leaving the first, I knew I didn't like porn, but accepted that most men view it, and I didn't have a problem unless it was an addiction. I no longer had any strong feelings about it. I just didn't want to be involved in it. Oh mon dieu. whatever I didn't understand after the first P, I do now.
The joy of the sexual sadist psychopath is to hurt, humiliate and harm a real woman with sex and pornography. It is the MOST exciting thing in the world to them. The ones who enact this mayhem on a psychological level, are doing the same thing serial killers do on a physical level--raping, torturing and destroying, but to the sexual, psycholgical and spiritual part of the woman.
My second P received dozens of porns daily in his synched e-mail on his Ipad. Once when I threw him out, during a fight. he left it in my apt. and I discovered his taste for abnormal and illegal porn and the extent of his addiction. We had a talk and I thought he was going to get this under control. Instead, he got mad. He infected my computer with it, spammed my business e-mail address, used my e-mail address as his password on a paid harcore porn site, had chats with online hookers in my business e-mail address, downloaded his homemade porn of a woman in one of his bands into my personal laptop, watched porn nonstop in my presence, and continued his practice of chatting up women on dating sites while viewing porn while I was at work, then left all the evidence on the computers.
Triangulation, triangulation, triangulation, and yes, pwsychopaths do it with porn as well as real women. Recent studies have shown that psychopaths are more stimulated by pornography than normal men. They like being able to control women sexually, and their sexual experience.
Sexual sadist psychopaths use this material to hurt real women. I hate pornography. It is anything but harmless.
i had never thought about it until your comments here what a weapon sex was to my ex. he freely admitted to me (in detail) how he cheated on a previous girlfriend of 7 years the entirety of their relationship. he also (proudly) explained that he would have sex with women 10 feet away from his girlfriend in a dark club, randomly moved across the country and left her behind without any indication he was coming back but knowing she would wait for him to bang enough women that he was ready to come home, and that among his friends he had a reputation for sleeping with whatever girls they were dating at the time. of course, he told me this like he was ashamed of that behavior, had matured, and had been faithful to his last girlfriend even though ultimately "she didn't deserve it" because she dumped him.
sex with me was something he used to amp up his own ego, which i didn't have a problem with because hey, i'm a supportive wife, i didn't point out his baldness or shortness, why not let him think he's the great american lover? but of course it waned once we were married, and when i tried to talk to him about it it totally stopped. then snuggling in bed stopped. then even rolling over and acknowledging my presence stopped. i think if he could have afforded a bed that was 30 feet wide he would have bought it to be away from me. like everything else, the more i revealed i wanted it the more likely i would never see it again. it was just another thing to withhold, and i think he would slip a silk neglige on a great dane and have sex with it if it would hurt someone. it had nothing to do with connection or love or anything but him.
there is every possibility he sent it here on purpose and is angry i didn't give him the satisfaction of being outraged and will punish me, and there is every possibility he would punish me in some random way if i confronted him. but Agentsmith it took everything i had not to stand on my lawn waving a glow stick and yelling "stop having your throbbing gay porn sent here!" down the block as he drove away from my house, believe me. it was only my self-imposed minimal contact boundaries that prevented me, but i did yell it alone in my living room. and of course, i told everyone i knew about it.
kris and joanie i am sorry for your terrible experiences, how terrifying to be abused in that way. i never really cared one way or the other about porn as long as it wasn't laying on my coffee table but you know NOW i do. i never held my ex to his lousy past behavior because he claimed to be different but NOW i will. i would have not judged him if he were gay, in fact i never judged him for anything, but NOW i will. in fact i feel like every person i let into my life will have to be patted down and x-rayed like at the airport, and just to build the muscle i'm going to practice yelling "WHAT?! that's a deal breaker!" into a mirror and storming out of the room.
purple thank you so much for the compliments, i'm so glad if i can make you laugh even while images of sweaty men in leather cross your mind....i mean, more than usual.
Exactly. Sex as a weapon to sexual sadists, absolutely. There is no more toxic kind of man. Sex with a woman in a dark club 10 feet away from his gf...my ex actually did this to me in our final reconciliation. It wasn't sex exactly...it was sexy dancing with his body bumping and touching and hovering over hers. I had taken him to a new high end nightclub in my neighborhood for dinner and a show for his birthday. This place had its own dance area next to each table rather than a dance floor. It was designed for romantic evening.
Each time, the patrons were invited to dance along with the very sexy R&B singer/dancer, he came around our table, stepped IN FRONT of me, and danced with his back to me in the space at the table in front of us us. 2 women were sitting at that able. 2 extremely unattractive women. Me and my skin-tight black mini skirt danced alone behind his back.
Because the woman who sat in front of me was SO unattractive, it never occurred to me he was doing that, until she reached across our table for 2, and thanked him saying, "That was really great. Thanks for an incredble evening" My only reacton was to slip my hand out of his.
He jumped up and flew across the table, knocking my water glass into my lap, threw himself on my knees, ripping my tights, and hung on my knees begging loudy for me to forgive him, in the middle of this great new club 2 blocks from my home. I haven't been back, which was part of his purpose. I drive past it several times a week, and cringe.
Yes, verancular, there is every possibility he sent the porn to your address on purpose.
"i feel like every person i let into my life will have to be patted down and x-rayed like at the airport, and just to build the muscle i'm going to practice yelling "WHAT?! that's a deal breaker!" into a mirror and storming out of the room." Perfect description, vernacular. That's exactly what I do now.
his mail will be labeled "return to sender" and put in right back in the mailbox from now on, which is my second choice of where i wish i could shove it.
Vernacular, Thank you for your concern, but I have been through worse and survived. I have been raped and was molested as a child, so the ex boyfriend's stuff was tame I suppose.
I just want to extend my kindest thoughts and sympathy for all who have been hurt by abuse, whether it be sexual, emotional or physical. The scars can oftentimes be so deep, hence my Joker avatar. There are days I feel as though my smile is cut into my face and the wounds are there for all the world to see.
Kris7167, the event at that nightclub, my ex never did that, but he would I feel "purposely" leave his computer on and tell me to use it, instead of my phone, to check my email or facebook, and chat windows with girls asking for sex would pop up and such. Also, towards the last of our relationship, he confided in me that he had slept with most of his female friends, after I had gotten close to them . They are not necessarily attractive either but they put up with his shit and support whatever he does. Of course, if you want drugs, you have to go along with the dealer. He just never could find a way to keep me under his thumb as I am not a user, I don't need his money or his trips. He is so used to manipulating people, and the things that he might have been able to use to keep me, he simply does not have to offer.
Honesty, integrity, compassion, tenderness, and love.
He is like a chameleon and it is my nickname for him as he can play any role but he can only do it so long before he has to change back to his true form.
You sound like you have been through a lot of what I have..I am so sorry.
Thank you. I'm sorry for what you have been thourgh, too. I am amazed by how identically my 2 adult partners fit my childhood wounds, and I would imagine it is the same for you. My mother is a sociopath. and I suffered psycho-sexual abuse from her. She never touched me sexually, but she made cutting and sexually inappropriate remarks about the sexual parts. of my body. She contrived reasons or me to be naked in her presence so that she could do this. As young as age 11, she started accusing me of being a tramp--before I even knew what sex was. She never stopped with the psycho-sexual abuse, even in my adulthood. I no longer speak to her. It is no big surpise my 2 adult love relationships were with sexual sadist psychopaths.
I pray we both receive a blessing of healing and a healthy love relationship after living these lives of pain.
Hugs.