I think your post title should read: First AND LAST offense. The problem with abuse is that it's easy to slip into this idea that "it was so out of character". The fact is that what you may have seen is his real character.

I would suggest being extremely cautious about continuing for any length of time as abuse only gets worse. Even long periods of non-abusive behaviour can occur but then you could find yourself in a really bad situation after investing many more months. Abusers are seriously off balance and need to be approached with extreme caution, based on my experience.

Don't lie about what he did to you. The only person it will hurt is you.

I agree that you probably just saw the real him and he's likely to get worse. Next time he might kill you.

His lawyer is disgustingly immoral and sounds like she is lying to you to get a win for her client. I'm pretty sure the police know who they should have arrested. After all, it was you who was choked, terrified and left with a broken bone.

This poor lady retracted her story about her husband, probably out of fear, and was jailed for it.
http://www.smh.com.au/world/shock-justice-rape-victim-jailed-but-fails-to-win-appeal-20120314-1v076.html

That lawyer is 100% out of line. This man attacked you, physically harmed you and she wants you to lie and cover for the abuse. NO. You tell the truth, plain and simple. If you do not, it will only hurt you further. He needs to be honest about what happend as well.

I know I did things wrong too. I shouldn't have fished for a reaction from him, but if I had known that would have been the reaction, I wouldn't have pestered him so much. (I'm sure I would have punched me in the face for how obnoxious I was being). And I know throwing alcohol in his face was not smart, but at that point I had a broken thumb. It felt justified. So I know I did wrong too. It's just the fact that HE'S the one that crossed the line. He was drunk and blacked out, had no idea what happened and still can't remember anything. I'm not trying to justify what he did, but I believe there were factors involved making it not 100% his fault. He had worked 50 hours straight at that point, was completely exhausted, was drunk, and was being deliberately annoyed by me.

If he had done this sober and in his right mind, I would be gone. But he has stopped drinking. Completely. And I have learned a valuable lesson about deliberately being obnoxious to someone who is exhausted. I feel we both deserve a second chance to fix our mistakes. I'm sure about that part. But how do I deal with this trial?! If I "bend the truth" I'm lying to myself and disregarding my feelings. If I tell the entire terrifying truth, he goes to jail for up to a year.

The attorney is actually in contempt and could get her own time for even discussing the case with you and persuading a witness. I have done my research as I was dealing with my situation and what would happen if my ex was charged.

speaking from expeirence now is the time to get out.I have been with my husband for 14 years married for only 4 of those year.He too was rageing at me hitting me when he was drunk I found myself in the pattern of finding excuses why he hits me. Always listening to the words i quit drinking for you but sure enough it would always come back.Four years ago he did quit drinking and things seem to be ten times better. so i married him and trusted and grown to love him deeply.But then the abuse came back ,this time without the excuse of alcohol.The attacks seem to get worse than they did before .Finally a month ago he was mean that one day yelling putting me down .I went to sleep that night only to wake up to an awful form of abuse He raped me forced anal sex hitting me shoving my face in the bed telling me to shut the fuck up.This is the man i thought change .I was scared whats next maybe my life he didnt love me...If you dont get out now his rages will be worse the pain will become worse and he will eventually feels he owns you.You will live in pain mental ilnesses finding blame on yourself shame and with me thinking the only way out of my pain was to end it all end my shame , pain ,guilt everything and by ending this I wanted to take my life to escape .I couldnt face my children i felt worthless like a cheap whore so dying will give me peace...Then a a few weeks ago something i had left inside of me was strong enough to tell him to get out .I threw him out and now i am looking for healing.So needless to say please get out before years from now its too late

The title says it all Babbit. FIRST OFFENCE implies there will be more. Is that what you want?

Can everyone really just say that there is no such thing as one mistake? I've known him for 8 years and he has never done anything remotely close to this, never any violence towards me, anyone else, or even objects. How can everyone who doesn't know him say that he's the same as any other abuser and he can never change and he's going to do it again??? Why are you so sure that this isn't his one big screw-up?

I am sure we are not judging you or try to offend anyone .we are just trying to tell our experience that 9 out of 10 times first offence becomes plenty. for years i allowed abuse finding excuses for him because i thought he loved me and was a great guy I blamed it on the alcohol but years laster it was continueing even worse....We are not trying to hurt you judge and ridicule but if you both get conseling and if this man is sincere ask him to go for angermanagement people change but just stay cauciuos to our warnings and find help from here

i would advise you to leave as a survivor of domestic violence i was in an abusive relationship for 5yrs and things didnt start out that way but things got worse as time went by and the longer you stay the harder it is too leave and by staying it is letting him feel as if it is ok and that he can get away with it and it will continue. yes all forms of physical abuse are bad but im am red flagged by the choking it wasnt as if he simply snapped and striked you which even then that is not ok but he tried to kill you or at least put the fear of death in you.i wish you the best in your life but please just think about all of it. you deserve the best

Wow. I don't see how that attorney can sleep at night.

What does she want you to say--he gave you a throat massage?

Choking is choking. You don't owe it to anyone to lie about what he did.

What he did was HIS responsibility--it's not your fault he might go to jail, it's his.

Because he broke the law and basically, really, endangered your life.

The stats show that abusers rarely change. You should have an escape plan ready in case he does it again.

Most physical abusers only abuser a handfull of times--only some of them do it regularly. Part of the nature of abuse is that they only really have to attack you once or twice, and then the emotional abuse and fear will work to control, and restrain you in the R.

I know you're trying to work on it, but please have an emergency escape plan to get you out of the house.

Breaking bones is serious. Choking is serious--next time it could be much worse.

Check out some of Lundy Bancroft's free articles on his website if you want. There is a checklist to see if he's "changed." There are also good articles about the nature of abuse.

http://www.lundybancroft.com/?page_id=142

* most physical abusers only abuse a few times a year--sometimes less---but don't think that means they're not abusive when they aren't actively battering you. They're still abusers for the rest of the year, and the years after. And abuse does tend to get worse with time.

"Can everyone really just say that there is no such thing as one mistake?"

The thing is that the only people who make the mistake of breaking their partner's bones, choking them, and smothering them in the couch--are batterers.

Have you ever accidentally choked someone, or fractured their bone?

It's really painful to be the target of abuse, and it's hard to consider giving up a relationship that's lasted 8 years!

But please be careful and have an escape plan. You deserve to be with someone who won't attack you. You deserve to be alive in another few years, and happy and healthy.