Joanne, have you done the index card exercise? If to, now would be a good time to do it, if you have, get your cards out and read them to remind yourself why you must stay with no contact. It does get better, I promise you. You just have to stick with it, work hard on yourself, take some exercise and practice extreme self care. You have come so far since arriving here, you are stronger than you think. If you are feeling lonely, are there any classes you could join? Find a hobby that will mean interaction with other people. You can do this, you will do this. Please take good care of yourself

Joanne, I am still in the beginning stages of accepting and dealing with 20 years of emotional abuse from my husband. I have not yet left and I am constantly second guessing myself. My husband acts like a changed man and then he shows his stripes again. He has me feeling like I am crazy.

What I have been learning from all the wonderful support on this site is that second guessing ourselves happens because of what our abusers have done to us and is completely normal and you don't deserve this. You deserve to be happy.

You have come so far, you don't want to start the process all over again just for a brief period of fake happiness. Counseling will help, I started 5 weeks ago, I have a long way to go but I am starting to feel a little better. Keep your appointment.

Everyone on here is wonderful and will help you through this difficult time as I am realizing. I wish I could be more helpful but as I said I am new to this but want you to know that you are not alone, I now know that.

Try to stay positive! :)

Hi Joanie,
I am so very sorry you are still feeling down. I think Bean is right, the card exercise would be good and you really need to find some interaction outside your home. How about an animal shelter, battered women's shelter. Just a couple.
I feel these may help you to feel better. A hobby, gym, you need to be taking care of yourself. You do need some joy in your life, but I think you need to help yourself get there.
I so hope you start feeling better soon and please keep coming back.
sending tons of hugs

(((((((((((Joanie)))))))))))))

Please give yourself more time. I does get easier, but not right away. Most of us go thru a lot of different emotions during the beginnings of NC. I remember the first week, the first month of NC. It wasn't easy & I didn't feel better right away. It was months. And then one day I realized that I hadn't thought about him even once the day before.

Keep a daily gratitude list. I started out w/just one thing on my list - that I woke up that morning & there were many days that I wasn't all that grateful that I did. After many starts & stops, I was able to add more than one thing to the list like I was grateful to have a roof over my head & a car than ran & food in my fridge & my sweet kitty. As time went on, I added more and more things. I started looking for things to add & I discovered that the more you see, the more you see. If I focused on the negative, more negative came into my life. If I focused on the positive, I found more and more positive about my life.

I don't mind being alone. If its meant to be otherwise, then it will happen. I am using my 'aloneness' to heal, grow, further my education, meditate, read, and be in nature. First & foremost, I had to grieve my losses & that takes time. Slowly but surely, I not only started to heal, but I also started finding interesting things to do & meeting new people.

Healing takes a while, so please give yourself the gift of time; honor yourself & your feelings and try to be patient. It really does get better.

Joanie ------

Thirty-seven years of issues
CAN be repaired.

There are ways to fix the
broken little girl. (I know.
I got my broken little girl
nearly fixed, and it didn't
happen till long after 37.)

Please don't cancel Thursday's
appointment.

And hvoing some moments
with an abuser is way less
healthy than having no moments
with a partner.

Loving a cat is not human interaction.
But it's still a better connection
than life flushed away
on an abuser.

And yes. . . . . this might be
the perfect time to try
Ilene's Clarifying Index Card exercise.


Please keep your appointment
and maintain no contact and
practice SELF-CARE.

Sending you hugs and healing thoughts.

This is exactly what I'm afraid of when I go NC. I've been trying to think about what WILL I occupy my time with when he's out of my life. The only thing I've come up with so far is to volunteer helping the elderly, military families, and have other single moms over for lunch or tea. Then again, I may be working 2-3 jobs and have time for nothing else. :-(

Please know that many of us know your struggle. Of course, we can never know exactly what you're going through. But, we know just how challenging it can be to go NC. It is NOT easy. But, like everyone has mentioned, it does get easier with time. Know that.

Part of what makes it difficult is that our abusers have us programmed to revolve everything in our lives around them. Going NC makes you realize just how much physical and mental time was wasted on them. So, you must find a way to fill that void.

I find myself feeling particularly lonely and wanting to break NC when my ex has our kids for visitation, because that's the only "free" time I really have. So, I have started now to make sure that I have plans and my days scheduled out. This way, I run less risk of breaking NC. A sample schedule might be: making a special breakfast for myself and reading the paper or fashion magazine, then go get a mani/pedi, do some light window shopping (or actual shopping if it's in the budget!), watch a movie in the afternoon, take brief nap, and then have dinner with friends and family. At night, I like to read one of my books on abuse or review Ilene's Clarifying Index Cards when I'm feeling especially weak. So, you see you have to force a schedule or put something in place to temporarily distract you from contacting your abuser...and in doing that, you're also doing positive things for YOU.

I've been NC for a few weeks now and it does get easier. I've broken it more times than I can count, but I *always* regret it. So, do your best to stick with it. Now is the time for you to take care of yourself...finally. No more chasing behind an abuser and wasting precious time trying to please them. Now is YOUR time. Wishing you the very best.

Joanie I want to share what I woke up thinking today, for what it is worth. I am seeing a counselor tomorrow and I said....why should I go? Where do I start?
And I thought...well, living with an abuser for so many many years...he found my self esteem vein early on in our relation ship and put a needle in my arm and proceeded to draw out my self esteem. So that vein is weak. I will use counseling to pour in the self esteem and bring it back to life BUT there are lots more strong blood vessels that I have that make me strong too. Anyhow, you are so smart to notice you need the support and post here when you do.

By the way....i LOVE you profile photo...