Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
I have been leaving my husband of 34 years for years now and always get too scared/worried to really do it. Every month I have gotten more depressed, more closed off, so dead inside. I finally told him a few weeks ago that i could not do this anymore and was looking for a place in town. I've gone to see a few older trailers that were fairly cheap. I am 60 so would like to buy something of my own and not rent. The verbal/emotional abuse has all but destroyed me and I know if I don't leave now; I can't even think what will be.
When I told him he didn't argue or try to change my mind, just said to do what I wanted, that I was making a big mistake, ruining our family, and giving up alot. He also said not to buy an old trailer, get a decent house and he would pay the mortgage for me. I am scared to do that, what if he doesn't pay, or gets sick or hurt and can't pay, or is just saying that to set me up for failure, knowing I couldn't afford that big of a mortgage. There is not much choice in my town for sale. I feel so sick/confused/scared to do this, but worse if I don't. I know it isn't a mistake to leave but riddled with doubts, and how overwhelming it will be to move. Welcoming any advice. thank you
When I told him he didn't argue or try to change my mind, just said to do what I wanted, that I was making a big mistake, ruining our family, and giving up alot. He also said not to buy an old trailer, get a decent house and he would pay the mortgage for me. I am scared to do that, what if he doesn't pay, or gets sick or hurt and can't pay, or is just saying that to set me up for failure, knowing I couldn't afford that big of a mortgage. There is not much choice in my town for sale. I feel so sick/confused/scared to do this, but worse if I don't. I know it isn't a mistake to leave but riddled with doubts, and how overwhelming it will be to move. Welcoming any advice. thank you
I would avoid letting him pay for anything if you can ... eventually you will want to sever all ties with him, and a financial tie is a serious one. You are absolutely right - it gives him a way to keep control over you if he chooses to.
If it's possible, get some advice from a divorce lawyer (maybe in another town) or a women's center. If you buy something, you will want to protect it from him ... and if you DO need his financial help with paying a mortgage, then it would be better to set it up as a formal legal agreement so that there are negative consequences if he doesn't pay.
So - short term, I would say, get some advice from a divorce attorney or from a women's center.
And keep posting here!
Before you buy anything why don't you rent until your divorce is over and you see what money you might have coming in from your stbx.
Also check into how much counseling for yourself will cost. You have been married to this man for a long time and you are not going to get over this quickly. Some sessions with a therapist would help you to start to move forward.
Please check with a lawyer before you even move out.
I wish you the best of luck.
((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))))))))))))))
Please connect yourself
with your local women's aid centre.
Your worst day free of abuse will be
better than your best day under
the roof of abuse.
Take this a day at a time.
Get some good legal advice
and get counseling that
will support you emotionally.
Take good care!