It's great that you have found a way out of your relationship and working on you. I am taking the first steps of working on me, but I am not sure I want to leave. We have 2 kids and I really want our family to stay together. I just want to become a stronger person, so I can stand by whatever decision I make. Would you mind giving me some tips or advice on how to make it to the point you have with your abuser?

You are doing fine. Going no contact is not easy and it sometimes takes many attempts. I found that the vile response I would get to putting up boundaries really helped teach me over time that no contact and really letting the relationship go was the only way. That ugliness is the real him with the mask off.

unko, I read your reply and totally understand you wanting to keep your family together. That's what I did. But now that the kids are well into adulthood and have families of their own, I see how staying together affected them and I see how it carries on the cycle of abuse. I can see you are a loving caring person and I applaud you for asking questions. The first thing you could do is contact your local shelter and educate yourself about the effects of abuse. ******************** And ask them to help you make a SAFE plan to leave. ******************** If you don't have one near you, call the National DV Hotline 1−800−799−7233 or TTY 1−800−787−3224. This is their website. It also has good info. http://www.thehotline.org/ Make sure you delete your history, cookies & cache from your phone, tablet and/or computer so he doesn't know you think he's abusive. That could cause him to escalate. (Not trying to scare you, but it its important to be aware.) ******************As you are trying to figure out how to leave, it is critical that you don't let on or hint in any way that you're even considering leaving. This could also cause him to escalate. *************** Keep posting here and asking questions. There are a lot of us who are, and have been, where you are. We are happy to share what we know. ~healing hugs~

unko. It was a long road getting here, and I'm really just starting the healing. We did not have children together so my situation was a bit different. I do however have a son from my previous marriage that was absolutely miserable with the situation and begged me for it to stop. It is a frightening thing. I was all about my ex, did what he wanted, lived life for him yet nothing was good enough ever. The constant fighting, the names, the outbursts, threats, silent treatment, mind games....I was literally losing myself. I did ALOT of research on abusive relationships. Pretty soon I could see the behaviour which made it easier. Even what he is doing now I am somewhat prepared for. So I guess seek support, educate yourself on abuse and value yourself! You will find your strength...I feel mine more each and every day.

Shoot! I posted a reply to jstanicegirl and it went poof! Will try this again. *********** I'm so glad you are out and going No Contact. I liken going NC to going through withdrawals. That is because we are physically & emotionally bonded to the abuser. Abuse and that bonding actually affects our brains. But there is hope - lots of hope! The longer we stay NC, the easier it gets. ********************* I hope you also have IRL support and plans A, B, & C to use when you feel the urge to contact or respond to him. (It helps to block him, and anyone who is friends with him, from your phone, email and all social media.) **************** Call your local women's shelter to find out about any support groups they offer. Most do offer them and they are usually free to anyone who has been in or is in an abusive (any kind of abuse) relationship. Also if you aren't already, please do some counseling with a specially trained abuse recovery therapist. ~healing hugs~