well, now that you know, what are you going to do about it? you abuse yourself more than he does at this point, you need to get out, get the sense in your head straight, make a step, any step towards recovery, good luck, god speed

Trust me itjustmeagain..I realize I am my own worst enemy right now. I don't know how to stop feeling this way. I get the tough love, but this is so recent for me. If I could get my head straight believe me I would. It's a constant battle between knowing what is real and still wanting to believe what is not. I don't want to be coddled, but I want to talk with people who understand...which pretty much everyone in my life does not. This is like NOTHING I['ve ever been through. I am losing weight uncontrollably, hair is falling out, some days I feel like I'm gonna break into a million pieces and the only thing that will hold me together is him. It's twisted and sick and I want to stop feeling this way.

hon, its going to take a while. Know that its REALLY HARD to change your thoughts and feelings without professional help.

That is not because you're not capable or there's something wrong with you. It's because abuse CAUSES CHANGES IN THE BRAIN. (Not yelling at you, just empahsizing.) Abuse also erodes our sense of self worth and our self esteem. I know it's really hard to see that right now. I felt the same way. That is why going Total No Contact is recommended. But that is also hard to do. It's like going thru withdrawals. But the good thing is that the longer we go Total No Contact, the easier it is to not just see things more clearly (some of which you already do), but it's also easier to take steps to stay Total No Contact and begin to heal.

This is not an easy time. Please get some local support from your women's shelter. They can help you make a SAFE plan to leave. They should also be able to help you find a place to stay, recommend attorneys (if necessary) and qualified trauma release therapists who have special training in recovery from trauma, abuse and PTSD. They should have additional training in trauma release modalities like hypnotherapy, EMDR and EFT and not just use talk therapy or CBT which do not usually get to the subconscious where the trauma resides.

Please take good care of yourself! And please don't beat yourself up. Instead, be kind and gentle and patient with yourself, just as you would be with someone who wrote here exactly what you wrote!

~healing hugs~

I certainly understand, because I used to be so co-dependent that my response to rejection and manipulation was suicidal depression. Once I actually did attempt suicide in response to being manipulated by a genuine psychopath. The feeling of self-loathing, not being good enough to please him, not being strong enough to leave him--I felt it all. No man is worth this!!! When all is said and done, we only have ourselves and God to give us comfort. This is frightening to all who still struggle with co-dependency, who still believe that a mere human being will give us self-worth. Remember, it is possible to recover.

Please don't beat yourself up. This kind of a lapse can serve to teach you a lot! Look at the positive side. Without being trite, I would very much recommend videos from Melanie Tonia Evans. She talks about breaking contact and how it doesn't put us back at square one truly.

Be kind to yourself. xoxo

i guess cause i know there is a wonderful life on the other side - i get frustrated, but you only you have to take the first step, we have been where you are 100%, we know, we all know way too much about it, and want to help, but staying in a toxic environment will kill you. You knew/know enough to write about it on here, so there is a glimmer of hope that you do see it...and want to change it...so do it, just do it...