Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
Hi All,
I am not sure if this should be a post or a journal entry, but what the hay, I am putting it out there for the whole world to see...
I used to keep everything inside. I used to be the 'good girl' in order to keep everyone happy. I have a nice home, car and from the outside my life looks very well-ordered, if not perfect. Of course, we all know that is no where near the truth. I carefully cultivated and maintained this image to erase my past and my 'troubled youth'. I felt a great responsibility for the wrong-doings of others. I felt if I could maintain the image of being 'perfect' I could keep the demons at bay.
We all know that a house built on sand will crumble, and sooner or later we will be faced with a choice... To either live authentically or lose our soul trying to be someone/something else. In February, I chose to live authentically. I opened up to a few people (including my sister) about my past, my imperfections and goals for the future. I felt safe in my choices, as the people I chose to confide in had earned my trust over a period of years.
This August, my mom announced she was divorcing my father (good riddance!) and promptly moved out. This past year has been a bumpy ride for my family. My dad tried to, and to an extent succeeded in pushing my mom out of a moving vehicle into oncoming traffic, over our Christmas vacation. My mother (we think) had an affair. My sister was hit by car in an accident that left her permanently disabled (she can no longer run or walk long distances). And I left the ex, leaving behind his daughter, the home I had grown to love, and the dream of having a happy family with him.
I have been okay with all of this, more or less. Yes, I have struggled as everyone here has seen. There are days that really suck, are pure torture and sheer hell, but I was okay because I at least had myself.
Removed from the cloud of abuse, I begin to make goals for myself and have, one by one, slowly worked on achieving them. It took great effort to make the changes I have in my life (as everyone here has also experienced), and I have been very proud of myself and what I have accomplished. I still always wish it could be more, but that is part of my ingrained thinking that I have to be 'perfect'.
Long story, short, I have worked damn hard to get to where I am today.
I found out last week that my sister confided in her very recent boyfriend (as in less than six dates- total), about my past. Very personal things. Things that could permanently destroy my reputation, and as we share (according to Facebook) 26 mutual friends, this is a very real possibility.
She knows I have been working hard on changing my life, and I feel like she sabotaged my efforts. She betrayed my trust, and isn't even apologetic for it.
We have been each other's rocks in the past 5+ years, always being there for each other when no one else was. And now I can't even trust her. I feel like I have lost my family.
In this upcoming season of holidays, parties, ect. I am alone for the first time in a very long time. It is breaking my heart in two.
I just had to get that out there... And if anyone has any words of advice or encouragement, they would be greatly appreciated.
I am not sure if this should be a post or a journal entry, but what the hay, I am putting it out there for the whole world to see...
I used to keep everything inside. I used to be the 'good girl' in order to keep everyone happy. I have a nice home, car and from the outside my life looks very well-ordered, if not perfect. Of course, we all know that is no where near the truth. I carefully cultivated and maintained this image to erase my past and my 'troubled youth'. I felt a great responsibility for the wrong-doings of others. I felt if I could maintain the image of being 'perfect' I could keep the demons at bay.
We all know that a house built on sand will crumble, and sooner or later we will be faced with a choice... To either live authentically or lose our soul trying to be someone/something else. In February, I chose to live authentically. I opened up to a few people (including my sister) about my past, my imperfections and goals for the future. I felt safe in my choices, as the people I chose to confide in had earned my trust over a period of years.
This August, my mom announced she was divorcing my father (good riddance!) and promptly moved out. This past year has been a bumpy ride for my family. My dad tried to, and to an extent succeeded in pushing my mom out of a moving vehicle into oncoming traffic, over our Christmas vacation. My mother (we think) had an affair. My sister was hit by car in an accident that left her permanently disabled (she can no longer run or walk long distances). And I left the ex, leaving behind his daughter, the home I had grown to love, and the dream of having a happy family with him.
I have been okay with all of this, more or less. Yes, I have struggled as everyone here has seen. There are days that really suck, are pure torture and sheer hell, but I was okay because I at least had myself.
Removed from the cloud of abuse, I begin to make goals for myself and have, one by one, slowly worked on achieving them. It took great effort to make the changes I have in my life (as everyone here has also experienced), and I have been very proud of myself and what I have accomplished. I still always wish it could be more, but that is part of my ingrained thinking that I have to be 'perfect'.
Long story, short, I have worked damn hard to get to where I am today.
I found out last week that my sister confided in her very recent boyfriend (as in less than six dates- total), about my past. Very personal things. Things that could permanently destroy my reputation, and as we share (according to Facebook) 26 mutual friends, this is a very real possibility.
She knows I have been working hard on changing my life, and I feel like she sabotaged my efforts. She betrayed my trust, and isn't even apologetic for it.
We have been each other's rocks in the past 5+ years, always being there for each other when no one else was. And now I can't even trust her. I feel like I have lost my family.
In this upcoming season of holidays, parties, ect. I am alone for the first time in a very long time. It is breaking my heart in two.
I just had to get that out there... And if anyone has any words of advice or encouragement, they would be greatly appreciated.
To me, this shows poor boundaries within your sister. I can relate, as I have one younger sister who has often betrayed my trust, and now I give her very limited information as a result (but she still knows my whole messy history). I have a decent relationship with her now, but I wish I could trust her more, as she is my only sister and we also grew up with emotional abuse and share that bond.
I am not justifying your sister's behavior at all. I feel for you that she did that and the consequence to you is that now you probably have hurt feelings, feel stabbed in the back by one person that is supposed to love you, and are worrying about the whole world finding out about your dirty laundry from long ago (and I know from other posts by you that you have overcome a lot and are basically a whole new person compared to a life you used to live). Hopefully the guy doesn't feel the need to share the information with anyone.
Can you talk to your sister about what a bad move that was on her part? Does she understand at all what the ramifications could be for you? I would at least impress on her the importance of her making that guy promise to not tell a soul, it's really not any of his business and I have no idea why she would be sharing intimate details about her sister with a brand new guy she's known for 6 days!
((((((((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))))))
Regardless of why she did it, she did. Now you're left sitting on edge wondering what will come of this and who you will hear from (if anyone). Wow, that is a major blow of trust that you have had a hard time acquiring.
Do you know for a fact that she shared this information? For your own health I would confront her but only after you've had a chance to think through what you want to say. If she is a volatile person she may be angered at your accusations and end up telling more people to hurt you in retaliation. Hopefully this isn't her personality and what she did was just poor judgment, which is what it sounds like from what you shared.
I wonder if after a talk with her you might want to have a talk with both of them together just to have a short meeting so to speak about why you would like this information kept private (kind of duh but stated for the record).
I'm so sorry that you have had yet another trial to deal with. I'm sorry that you have had trust betrayed to this level.
I agree with the idea of talking to your sister and finding out what actually was shared by her. I am not a fan of FB --- professionally teachers are encouraged not to do any social media, but I know that social media can present struggles for many.
I heard a comment today at the Women's RC.... it was on the order of this:
Other people who have not experienced abuse, whether it is family, friends or strangers, do not understand and protect the information you share because for them it is only something to talk about. yes some truly do care.... however it easily becomes a piece of conversation or even gossip because it is not about them....
I do believe that to an extent.
I know this does not help you and your sister. But when I heard this I understood why some of the people who know my situation approach me daily with, "so did you hear from him?" or other comments that get under the skin.
But, this is your sister. Hopefully you can repair this with your sister and she can undo anything that she has done because hopefully she will value you as much as you deserve to be valued.... you are not alone.
I don't have a sister myself - or indeed any siblings at all - but in my loneliness as an abused child and adult, I often longed for at least one sibling. My longing was for the positive aspects, which you felt when able to confide in and look back on the shared bond through adversity with your sister. I cannot imagine the betrayal that you must now feel :(
The advice already given is very good and I second that. I'm afraid that I don't have too much else to offer, apart from my heartfelt sympathy and disbelief at what has happened, and the sincere wish that something of your sisterly bond may be able to be salvaged at some point.
So so sorry :( You are a massive role model and loyal friend to all of us here, and we are all with you now. As yellow says, you absolutely still have all of your stellar progress. I cannot tell you what an inspiration you are, having turned your life around after that b*stard (sorry, but let's call a spade a spade!) did his best to ruin it for you.
Well guess what? HE LOST.
I really hope that things with your sister can somehow be salvaged...but even if there will remain lingering strain, please never forget how far you have come - cos WE won't!
Thinking of you with massive hugs xxx
I do know that she shared this information with him because she told me she did so- and didn't think I would be upset.
She has been hit hard with my parent's divorce and the undeniable fracturing of our Normal Rockwell family. She clung to the image my parent's presented of our family because it was what made her normal. The divorce is an awful, and de-stabilizing reminder, that our family was not perfect. She did not hide in closets with a flashlight to read a book. The truth is that I put her there when my dad was going into one his rages.
I suspect that she is clinging to this guy because she desperately wants to regain the warm, cozy feeling of 'family' again. I feel she disclosed my personal information with him as a way to gain his trust and create a sense of intimacy.
Despite my understanding of her possible motivations, I am left (as daydreamer said) not trusting her like I would like to. It breaks my heart, as she is the only person I share this bond with. However, as Yellow alluded to, I do think the information about me is too 'juicy' to not become a piece of gossip.
I do want to work something out with her, I am just not sure how to the bridge the gap right now between the lack of trust I have and what is safe to share with her.
I am so glad I have all of you here... Many people do not understand what we have been through. Each of you know exactly how much courage and strength is takes to make any change in your life for the better. And all of you are right, no one can take that away from us!
You all warmed my heart! :)