Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
Seeking some insight here. My husband and I have been struggling for 24 years. We do the typical pursuer-distancer dance (he is the pursuer) over the years we have hurt each other, him by criticising and berating me for my lack of closeness and me by withdrawing from him out of fear and hurt at the things he says to me. Lately I have been trying to be more open and honest with him and have been trying to find solutions to our problems that will work for both of us. Today I shared with him some insight that I have gained through reading about the cycle we are caught up in. It went something like: as I see it, the way off this cycle is to recognise that we have 2 very different styles of relating, neither of us is right or wrong , we just react off each other. I think it would help if we stopped labelling the other partner as cold and uncaring or angry and critical and realised that the way we react to each other is not malicious. If we understand this, then maybe we can begin to work on accommodating each other.
Well, this did not go down well. The conversation ended up with him telling me again how I am uncaring and that I have ruined his life, the exact opposite of what I was suggesting we do. After some discussion it comes around to him telling me that I need to take complete responsibility and stop trying to suggest that we are both to blame. It seems that he truly believes that he has no part in causing the problems, that his anger is a response to my actions. He recognises that getting angry/ berating/ yelling at me is wrong but he cannot see that we both share responsibility for creating the dynamic in our relationship. I could not do as he asked and take all the blame, it does not seem fair or reasonable that one party can be completely at fault. I am feeling like I am at a dead end, I don't see how there can be compromise when one party blames the other for all of their unhappiness. How can I move on from here? I don't feel safe talking to him about problems when I know the outcome will be him blaming me, at the same time I don't want to withdraw again. Confused...
It is normal and healthy to withdraw from someone like your husband. I did it, as have many others in this group. It is a way of protecting ourselves.
My suggestion is that you find a qualified therapist to help you begin to get some clarity around what you want to do with the rest of your life. How much more of your precious life, energy & effort do you want to spend living like this? You are a unique and special person and he is asking you to be someone you aren't by accepting his mean, accusing, disrespectful, dysfunctional (and yes, abusive) behavior/treatment.
I would also suggest you get Patricia Evans' book, The Verbally Abusive Relationships. You can also check her website, www.youarenotcrazy.com. It will help you understand your husband's behavior.
IMHO, you deserve to be treated with kindness, caring, love and respect.
~healing hugs~
What you wrote about trying to have a
reasonable discussion was extremely
articulate. Then, you're met with complete
and total denial of any responsibility to make
the marriage work. That in itself is a sign that
you're living with abuse.
What you wrote is almost a trigger for me.
I spent ten precious years attempting
to make an emotionally abusive marriage
work, engaging in endless "discussions"
that went around in circles for hour after
hour. What a WASTE!!!!!!!!
Find a therapist who has a
background with abuse and
recovery from abuse.
Sending you hugs
and wishes for
better days.