Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
Lately I've been searching for help and resources for male victims of domestic abuse (primarily non-physical abuse). So far the search has not gone well.
If anything, the results I've been finding have only made me feel worse.
It's starting to feel like meaningful resources for male victims are nearly nonexistent based on all the reports and articles I keep finding. According to research it seems that most domestic violence shelters will not provide assistance to men, or if they do it's only a referal to a homeless shelter or a batterer's program for abusive men. On top of that many men who contact domestic violence shelters report being accused of being abusers, ridiculed for being a victim, etc.
https://nationalparentsorganization.org/blog/3977-researcher-what-hap-3977
Most of the sites and articles I've found are either focused on men who were sexually abused or being physically assaulted by their partner, or are just about telling them not to feel ashamed and that there isn't really much at all that can be done about the abuse. The rest of the sites and articles I've found so far talk about the issue of men abused by women in ways that demean male victims and/or address us as though we are abusers by virtue of being male. I have even come across a big professional website that is supposed to be about providing resources to men in situations like domestic abuse, but the resources they provide are mostly for learning to not be an abuser.
Some of the sites I've found with well written articles on this issue end up with people ranting and raving in the comments about how "misogynistic" it is to claim or suggest that men can be victims of abuse too.
How is someone supposed to get help when even the services and groups that are supposed to help them only ridicule them and tell them that that they deserve to be abused?
If anything, the results I've been finding have only made me feel worse.
It's starting to feel like meaningful resources for male victims are nearly nonexistent based on all the reports and articles I keep finding. According to research it seems that most domestic violence shelters will not provide assistance to men, or if they do it's only a referal to a homeless shelter or a batterer's program for abusive men. On top of that many men who contact domestic violence shelters report being accused of being abusers, ridiculed for being a victim, etc.
https://nationalparentsorganization.org/blog/3977-researcher-what-hap-3977
Most of the sites and articles I've found are either focused on men who were sexually abused or being physically assaulted by their partner, or are just about telling them not to feel ashamed and that there isn't really much at all that can be done about the abuse. The rest of the sites and articles I've found so far talk about the issue of men abused by women in ways that demean male victims and/or address us as though we are abusers by virtue of being male. I have even come across a big professional website that is supposed to be about providing resources to men in situations like domestic abuse, but the resources they provide are mostly for learning to not be an abuser.
Some of the sites I've found with well written articles on this issue end up with people ranting and raving in the comments about how "misogynistic" it is to claim or suggest that men can be victims of abuse too.
How is someone supposed to get help when even the services and groups that are supposed to help them only ridicule them and tell them that that they deserve to be abused?
So, my two cents, and some will probably snort at some of it... Remember, I am from Europe, and I think, culturally, women there are a little emote comfortable with being feminine and have unique characteristics and strengths. European feminism is different in the way, that a woman does not need to be like a man to be equal. We all have different, unique attributes to compliment each other.
So, having said that...Men are not wired to be abusers, but to be the dominating ones in certain ways, and women to be the influencing ones in some ways. It is a win-win situation in a healthy relationship. Now, when the desire to dominate turns into arrogance and the desire to influence turns into manipulation, there is the breeding ground for abuse to happen. Men, when turning arrogant and aggressive can become abusers in certain ways, and women when turning manipulative and controlling can be abusers in other ways. It is unacceptable, yet very common. Women open up and communicate more easily, and as a backlash from centuries of patriarcial control, there are more resources for women in abusive situations. I have often thought about this myself, as I have at least 4 really good male friends that are in abusive situations. Great guys, strong confident guys, powerful guys, successful guys. Yet, living daily like that erodes a human being. Hey, if you want to start a blog or some sort of support site for guys in abusive situations, I would love to help you.
I know from my training that men are physically, emotionally, spiritually, mentally and sexually abused as children as often as women are.
While these aren't connected to DV so to speak, here are a couple of suggestions.
Therapy w/a heart centered therapist. See http://wellness-institute.org/findatherapist.html
If you've left or are planning on leaving, you might also consider attending either www.rebuilding.org or www.divorcecare.com They are both very inexpensive and have 'scholarships' for those who can't afford the fee.
I don't know much about it, but I know a colleague who is very active in The Mankind Project. You might check that out to see if it could be a good fit for you.
I'm sorry you're having so much trouble and wish I could be more help. We really need to get the system to recognize that DV is not gender specific.
"I have even come across a big professional website that is supposed to be about providing resources to men in situations like domestic abuse, but the resources they provide are mostly for learning to not be an abuser."
That is horrible! Do they have a website? What the hell! I would be so offending to come across that! I want to see these bozos.
"Some of the sites I've found with well written articles on this issue end up with people ranting and raving in the comments about how "misogynistic" it is to claim or suggest that men can be victims of abuse too."
Often comments on any website are full of absolute jerks and garbage-the anonymity and lack of responsibility of the web-they feel like they can get away with saying whatever they want w/o consequences. Unfortunately it can show some people's unmediated true colors.
This is a problem of prejudice when it comes to this issue-you are a psych major, right? You understand the multi-pronged approach to combating prejudice-it's got to be done through individuals speaking out at a grass roots level, through education and awareness, through the legislative and legal systems-it's a very lengthy, time consuming, challenging process needed to be undertaken by many, many individuals. You are doing something about it right now by bringing it up-into the open and saying it's not okay. You've had some other great ideas from members as well as support for your outrage over this. If you know of any specific, constructive, concrete ways I may be able to contribute to this issue-let me know and I'll be happy to help.
I've looked into groups like the Mankind Project and various other groups before, but none yielded any helpful results either for my situation or my location. I spent a couple months working with other DS members going through every conceivable venue for getting treatment and it only turned up dead ends.
Part of the problem is that the state I live in has an unimaginably bad track record when it comes to helping those with disabilities or mental health issues. The state has the highest rates of rape and domestic abuse/violence in the country, so you would think the state government would spend more on helping those hurt by those problems, but no.
State funding for services meant to help the disabled, mentally ill, etc were cut by about 2/3 a while back (with empty promises that the state would take care of those people). As a result most programs and services meant to help such people were forced to close. The ones that didn't close either had to stop taking applicants in order to help the people already signed up with them; or are ones that require you to be living in poverty, with no source of income other than the meager amount of money they give you, and you can only go to doctors/therapists/etc that they say you can go to.
The state also refuses to expand Medicaid so that the poor can have some form of health insurance, and the state is also refusing to accept any federal aid money to cover the costs of expanding it.
On top of that, Social Services in my state have been repeatedly chastised by the courts for being everything but criminally incompetent. Some of the cases over the years that the news has revealed about Social Services in my state ignoring (even when it was being done right in front of their workers on visits) have been things you would probably expect to only ever see in a horror movie.
Anyways, here's a short version of my situation in regards to getting help:
- I am unable to afford treatment of any kind at this time.
- The state I live in is extremely lacking in available programs to assist people who need help getting/affording treatment.
- There are only a few (half a dozen or less) professionals within driving distance of me who accept my insurance, are trained in treating the issues I'm dealing with, are male, and do a sliding scale payment. (Unfortunately various factors make even these prices prohibitively expensive for me given my current income.)
- Due to safety reasons I am unable to let family/friends find out about me getting/seeking treatment.
- Until I am able to afford to move out and into a place of my own, it would be virtually impossible for me to begin getting treatment without family/friends finding out.
There also aren't really any people in my life that know my whole story that I can turn to for support in person. I tried that pretty early on and found that even the people I considered close friends just gave up when saying things like "cheer up" didn't magically fix things.
my father.
As a clinician, I have
and am treating men
who have been and are
being abused.
I believe you that your
experience looking for
support has fallen
short of what you need.
Society, even the social
service structures, are
only just getting the slimmest
grip on any kind of abuse.
Tragically, men experiencing
abuse seem almost completely
off the radar. . . and that's truly
a travesty.
I hope you'll take good
care of yourself. Healing
can happen. Recovery
is possible.
like many here the idea of a male victim seems like a bad joke we will no longer entertain, and i know it's irrational, prejudice and plain untrue to think that a man cannot be abused. i confess that i count among those who would dismiss and mistrust you, and i guess it stands to reason that enough people like me would create a culture that turns it's back on you. i am sorry for that, and sorry for my part in wedging you so tightly into a stereotype you couldn't be heard.
so lets try and change that culture now. i am so sorry for your experience, what can we here do to help? what do you wish was available to you? maybe a conversation started here ends in action down the road.
The way society is right now the actions of my abusers (mainly women who abuse men) are largely condoned or even encouraged. In some cases there have even been laws passed that serve little purpose other than to allow these abusers to use the legal system as a weapon to abuse us with.
Those who stand up and try to raise awareness of these issues or educate people about how men can be victims of abuse too are typically chastised and accused of being misogynists and hating women. In some cases speaking up about these issues getsca person death threats (such as what happened with the domestic abuse activist Erin Pizzey).
There needs to be more public education about abuse and how men can justvas easily be the victims of it. Unfortunately the mainstream media does not seem interested in this.
because we are damaged in some way, we attract dysfunction and abuse because that is what we know and therefore that is what we repeat. so yes, you cannot change others, but when we change ourselves the people around us morph into a reflection of that change, and is in fact a good barometer to test how we are feeling about ourselves.
maybe you can't walk into a shelter and get support, and maybe you can't find an organization that will sympathize, but you can sure come here for some validation and you can definitely work to find a therapist that can help you, as an individual, without putting you in a category by which to judge you. you can pull yourself up, and then you can be the catalyst for change, you can be the voice for those who come after you. you can do it and we can help. just keep talking.
thehotline.org
He said they have a number you can call that`s free and anonymous, and they can help by recommending local resources.
SleepyWalrus, I hope this is of some help, and ooooo, I hope you don't mind me quoting you! Hugs xxx
I'm looking through the list of recommended resources they provided for my state, but so far it seems to all be resources for victims of child abuse, rape, or domestic violence between intimate partners.
What I'm looking for are resources for male victims of non-physical forms of abuse. Sadly that would more than likely involve the services of therapists/counselors, and my state has a major shortage in that area. A study in my state that was released a few months ago (and was briefly touched on by the news) revealed that the memtal healthcare system here is overburdened to an extreme extent. According to the study the people in my state who seek out mental health service end up having to wait a very long time before they can get any appointments. So long that most of them eventually give up on seeing a professional due to it taking so long. (Like I said before, my state has a very troubled history with this subject).
I'll continue searching through the list of possible resources from the site you gave a link to though.
I am having a similar problem to you. I want to continue counseling I can no longer afford. I have called many woman's groups, dv shelters, a ton of resources and I can either pay on a slinging scale (which I still can't afford), go to classes (I'm already and educated consumer-at this stage in my healing process this would not be helpful)-I just can't match up the resources available to me for what I need. But I keep trying. I can be very resourceful and tenacious, and I feel like if I keep trying sooner or later I'll find the solution. In the meantime I keep working on me with the tools at my disposal.