Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group

Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.

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Encouraging words needed

henryreilly
henryreilly
I feel really bad about not participating more here and then coming for support when things get rough but I need to share this problem.

The ex contacted me via instant message asking for a ride to work or help repairing her car. We chatted for a few minutes but I really don't have the mechanical knowledge to deal with the issue her car seems to be having.

I asked her, "So I should give you a ride to work, why?"

[That's her favorite phrase for putting someone down, "This thing that displeases me happened, WHY?"]

Her reply was "Why not?"

So I gave her a couple examples of her abuse towards me and sure enough she still turns the tables and tries to make out like it was all my fault; I'm the crazy one and she's perfect.

I just can't believe after all she put me through that she thought I would help her out. My problem is I do love the woman, if that were not the case I wouldn't have put up with her abuse as long as I did.

I don't think I could handle seeing her in person. 2 1/2 hours until she has to be at work in a town 20 miles away. At one point she said she was coming here but I'm sure she'll try every other way to find a ride before knocking on my door.
deleted_user
deleted_user
The worst thing you can do is open the door. Why does she think she can ask this of you? because she has contact with you....no contact is the best way....let her walk
deleted_user
deleted_user
It sounds to me like she thinks you are a pushover and that she can push you around. I think she must know that you care for her in spite of how she treated you and is taking advantage of that. My advice to you is to stay strong, put your foot down and firmly say no. If she says why not, tell her you aren't her taxi, or something nicer like , i don't want to or i am busy. You don't have to explain yourself to her, you don't answer to her. Don't cave in, stand up for yourself. Good luck
henryreilly
henryreilly
I walked down to the corner store/laundromat for cigarettes and as I suspected she was holding court on the bench outside with her posse around her. I didn't even make eye contact, just went in, got my smokes and left by the other door.

I feel bad about her being homeless and all but I will not let her push my buttons any more.
deleted_user
deleted_user
SHe wants you to feel guilt, and will mirror anything u say and twist it back. Abusers can not understand or will not understand how they violate people if u bring it up to them, they are likely just to retaliate again.
deleted_user
deleted_user
To manipulators, we're not even people. We're just objects of use.

She knows you have a vehicle so *that's* why you're on her radar.

Explaining her abuse to her doesn't even register, because to her, not only do your feelings not matter, you have no feelings to her (as you're only an object), so in her eyes, you're just making up stories (blah, blah, blah).

Manipulators have no empathy.

So think of this situation as: she is giving you the opportunity to stand up for yourself, to set firm boundaries.

You cannot rescue her. She is an adult who makes her own decisions and choices, just like the rest of us. And there are consequences to them.

You said that you love her and that's why you put up with her but I'm wondering if it's more of a trauma bonding situation. You pity her maybe, because she's so crazy. But love? Love encompasses respect and trust and a sense of safety all those things that you just cannot have with a manipulative partner.
calmzone
calmzone
Ya, you deserve better than this henry. She's a user, and doesn't care about anyone else's feelings. Whatever you loved was not real, many of us had to come to this realization. It hurts, but it helps us move forward and learn to watch out for those red flags in the future. There's nothing you can do for someone who is not able to love or empathize with others.
Hang in there!
henryreilly
henryreilly
I manage social security money for a 13 y o girl who has no responsible family to do it for her. The ex managed to weasel her way into going shopping with us today. I let her ride in my car, we didn't speak and I avoided eye contact.

When it came time to check out the child had way more personal hygiene items in the cart than she had ever bought before, including the ex's brand of shampoo and conditioner. I made her put back everything that was duplicate and the shampoo/conditioner.

Seeing her in person wasn't as traumatic as I had feared it would be.

Thanks for all you kind words.
wvartgirl
wvartgirl
First of all, you sound like a very nice person. She is using that niceness, that sense of decency and kindness against you.

You owe her nothing, you know that intellectually, it is your heart that is getting in the way. Focus on NOT loving her and on helping those who actually appreciate you and love you.

Hugs to you, and I hope you know you are welcome here anytime.