Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
Can some one address the issues of enabling them, how to stop and the effects on both the abuser and us?
I was the peacemaker. I always smoothed it all over, I lied, I did what ever it took to keep peace in the camp. I now know that is enabling and damaging to all involved. I had kids to think of, family to protect, Church positions to uphold, neighbors who could hear, my own sanity to proctect.
I really feel like I did what I had to do to survive day to day but now that I am at the end of things I can see how wrong I was for doing this.
I don't want someone else to go thru it. If I had a better handle on it I would put my comments down but I am not far enough away from it to do it.
Thanks!
I was the peacemaker. I always smoothed it all over, I lied, I did what ever it took to keep peace in the camp. I now know that is enabling and damaging to all involved. I had kids to think of, family to protect, Church positions to uphold, neighbors who could hear, my own sanity to proctect.
I really feel like I did what I had to do to survive day to day but now that I am at the end of things I can see how wrong I was for doing this.
I don't want someone else to go thru it. If I had a better handle on it I would put my comments down but I am not far enough away from it to do it.
Thanks!
As adults, we must scoop up ourselves and our children and move for higher ground. Sometimes we have to hang around the abuse till we're able to make our move, and in those times, we have to do what needs to be done to survive, same as when we were little. Then, when we're able to go, we must go, for our own self-regard and self-care. There's seldom a middle ground.
Sometimes I hear the question, "How do I get along with my abuser?"
You do whatever you have to do ---- till you can get up and get out. There's almost never a middle ground.
But as adults, we really don't need them anymore. If we are using those tools still, we are remaining victims to our past, and self perpetuating the abuses of our youth.
To survive life sucks, believe me. To thrive, awesome.
There is a saying in recovery "we will not regret the past, nor wish to close the door on it". So, no regrets, don't feel badly for what was "familiar" to you. You did what came naturally for you.
But know you know better and when we know better, we do better.
Everytime I gain knowledge about my behaviour I take it as a blessing because I've moved thru enough of my pain that I know I'll come out the other side of it better.
Recently, when I realized that I was married to a covert abuser and that I was a victim of abuse (AAARRRRGGGGHHHHHHHHH!) I was so pissed off at myself...this was in December. I became depressed for about 5 days, and angry at myself for not seeing it sooner, and now I'm at the place where I feel I'm ready for my next phase. It def is a process.
We have to forgive ourselves and treat ourselves with compassion, something we typically reserve for others in our codependency, people pleasing.
Codependent No More by Melody Beattie helped me to stop enabling. It is still my "bible" in that regard. I'm also in a 12 step program which constantly reminds me what I have control over and what I don't.
Often as kids are parents weren't able to give us what we needed in order to navigate in this life. But as an adult, I have a choice to learn how to navigate by reading, learning, sharing what I'm going thru because inevitably, I will always find someone like me, who did it before me.
Hope this helped a bit....take good care of yourself, because you can't give away, what you don't have.....God Bless.