Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
So glad I found this site, I feel so strong when I read what everyone else is going through, the injustice of it all. But when I get back to real life I become full of doubts, fears. CONFUSION runs so rampart through my life. My mind was made up NO MORE, I actually got brave enough to put an offer to purchase on a trailer, but since doing that have been so torn about breaking up our family. Everyone was together for Easter and had a lot of fun, I kept thinking if i leave we'll never do this again. Over 30 years of crap, all my kids grown with their own families. I have told them I am leaving and they are crying, upset, get mad when I try to discuss it with them. They know dad has anger issues and flies off, but really it can't be that bad can it? Can't I just ignore it, put up with it. Its been this long, !!!!!!!!!!!! They have only seen the tip of the iceberg--but if I try to explain how bad its been, they don't want me running down their dad. And I don't want to do that, I just want them to understand why I need to leave. I still love him, I just can't live with him any longer. Then the doubts set in "Is it really all that bad, maybe it is just you, can't sleep at night without sleeping pills, can't make it without antidepressants." What is wrong with me. So worried about my kids not understanding and hurting people that I love. We have not had sex for almost 2 years now, in our mid 50's, he said I am a dried up old hag, cause once I said sex hurt so he's left me alone. Then has a rage and says "You know I like sex, but you pretend it hurts you. So last week I told him I am thinking about leaving and all of a sudden he tries to get a little that night. I looked him dead in the eye and just said I am not having sex with you, and he just said not ever, and I said probably. Normallly he would have freaked but tame as a kitten cause he thinks I've had enough. But my courage is flailing. Please help, why is it so hard to save ourselves.
I recently posted about the abuse I still face from my father. I know EXACTLY what position you're in, because my mother is still in the same position today.
I told my mother something, and I'm going to say the same thing to you - no matter how much you love him, it won't matter if you can't live with him or if he abuses you. I don't mean to sound harsh, but my mother does the same thing - she'll say she's leaving, and then she'll come up with reasons about why she shouldn't leave.
I think the mature thing to do is to tell him you're leaving, and then just leave. Don't waste your breath on explaining WHY you're leaving, because then he'll hide behind his reasons, and blame his anger on things that YOU did. Essentially, he'll say that he's mad at you for things that YOU did. He'll never take responsibility for anything.
My suggestion is to tell him you're leaving - and then leave. Don't waste your breath on explanations. Your feeling of victory will be short-lived, because he'll blame his anger on you.
Leave now, and be happy. If your kids don't understand what's happening, try recording a session where your husband "flies off the handle." Record it, and show it to your kids so that they understand what's happening. Explain to your children that you can't live with him anymore for XYZ reason. And then stick to it. Don't be wishy-washy in your resolve.
If your intent is to leave, then LEAVE.
I'm confident that you have the strength to do this. I know you can do this. You just have to decide in your mind, that enough is enough, and then follow through. Be mindful not to sabotage your own initiative, by coming up with reasons NOT to leave.
I sincerely wish you the best of luck, and strength through this trying time. :)
Good luck I hope you save your self! If you need a friend im here for you
You dont need to justify to anyone, why you want to leave. You only need to be true to yourself.
It will be hard to leave, but hard to stay, given you only know it is hard to stay, l think that is why you are there
I promise you this, if you leave, yes it is hard, but you have choices that you can make , and be in control
You will not fail., you will learn new resourseful things about yourself that you didnt know you had,
And one day you will say to yourself,oh my god why did l wait for so long, it is harder in your mind, than it is in the real world honey, trust me on that
peachy wrote:
And one day you will say to yourself,oh my god why did l wait for so long,
Very wise, peachy.
In regards to your children, you don't need
to say anything bad about their father to them.
All you need to say is that nobody knows a
relationship other than the two people living it.
The children can have whatever relationship
with their father that they want. The same
applies to YOU.
If you want a technique to help you
decrease your confusion, look on
this site (PM me), for Ilene's Indexc Card
exercise. Doing this helped me escape
a fifteen year abusive marriage, and it's
helped others.
Life lived free of abuse is
a whole different thing.
It still has its ups and downs
but the dawning of each new day
is like finding an Easter egg.
It's exciting. It's JOYOUS.
Get yourself to your
nearest women's center.
Develop an exit plan.
Then, live your life
free of abuse.
One thing my husband and I have learned in counseling recently is that it's not about understanding someones feelings emotions or actions, it's about listenting and accepting.
I hope you stay strong and do what you need to do to keep yourself safe.
They are moved out. They have their lives and their families. Why would they think that you should just stay and bear it.
I guess that people get comfortable with things and are afraid of change.
It makes me wonder if they are getting help and support from you guys (in the way of babysitting, financial, etc) and don't want to lose out on that.
This is the only life you have (unless the reincarnation theory is correct!).
This is YOUR life.
It's not anyone elses.
I have two little boys (6 and 10).
I worry every day about how I'm going to do this, and how I will deal with being a single mom, and how it will be for them.
I'd freaking kill them if they were grown up and married, and wanted me to stay with my abuser.
If you waiver you could hang on for more years....I did. SO glad I am out.