I'm so sorry that
this is what you've
experienced and
what appears to
be in store for the
holidays.

If it were your house
he was coming back
to, you would have
the ability to respond
to his behavior by
saying, "Your disrespect
will not be tolerated
under this roof. If you
insist on continuing
with disrespectful
comments, please
leave, as we want
to enjoy our holidays."

It sounds like it's
your mother's house
and she isn't open
to taking a stand.

That being the case,
I would tell her before-
hand that the first time
he comes out with
insults or abuse, if she
won't say anything in
protest, then You will
remove yourself from
the company, and go
elsewhere.

My guess is that she
values your presence
and won't want that.

I also suggest that you
consider looking for and
then working with a therapist
or counselor whose specialty
is family systems therapy or
recovery from abuse.

For the record, I had a
sibling ---- a brother -----
who was horribly abusive.
Ultimately, I "divorced"
myself from him, going
completely No Contact.

I would never tell anyone
else that this is what they
should do. All I'll say is
that it was the beginning
of my own recovery.

I just learned that he died.

My sorrow is two-fold.
One, that my only sibling
is gone and two, that he
he was so damaged and
toxic that I couldn't be
with him, the years we
might have had together.

You must begin to find
how to deal and how
to heal, in your own
way. I urge you to
get therapy, if you
haven't already.

Healthy boundaries
and self-care are
what's most needed,
first to deal and
then to heal.

Sending you hugs
and wishes for
clarity and strength.

Thank you for the response, and I'm sorry to hear about your brother. I did have counseling at one point when it was still going on, but I didn't realize at the time that it was abuse, when it most certainly was. I'll definitely try what you said about removing myself from the situation. He does this thing where he'll come, spout off abusive comments, and then leave in a huff. The good thing is he never stays around for long, but it's still painful. I appreciate your supportive words!

Ah. He's a verbal arsonist.

He throws a match into the
building and then runs away
to a safe place to enjoy the
chaos he created.

So, I would suggest
again, what I said above.

At the very first syllable
of abuse that he utters,
quietly express that if
he continues down that
road, you won't be sitting
around to hear any more.

I also repeat my suggestion
that you consider re-engaging
in qualified therapy, to facilitate
your recovery from growing up
with an abusive sibling and a
mother who enables his abuse.

I'm not so sure if she's an enabler or that she just remains silent and doesn't defend herself or me as a coping mechanism. She just kind of shuts down when he's around. We've actually discussed tactics to try when he's there, so we'll see how that goes. She's quite prone to denial, so I do doubt she sees the severity of the situation and doesn't want to see her "baby" as an abuser. But, it's true what you said about him being a 'verbal arsonist.' I like that.

I understand about her
silence being a coping
or survival mechanism,
and am sure your right
about that.

Because it's not actively
"intentional," doesn't make
the end result different than
if she actively, intentionally
supported his position.

Denial and silence enable
his verbal abuse, just as
effectively as if she acknowledged
his behavior patterns and
supported his words and
actions.

Sending you hugs
and wishes for
better days
ahead.

I can't say much else besides what h.e.a.l. said. Hopefully, your mother gets to the point where she's not willing to tolerate this anymore, but if she doesn't, I agree that maybe you could set some boundaries for yourself. Who knows, maybe seeing you model it is all she'd need to motivate herself to do the same.

Thanks @mrblz. I hope so too. She's been such a peacemaker for so long, but honestly it annoys the hell out of me how she can take the abuse lying down. I'm the only one who has ever tried to fight back and defend us. (Not that it does any good, anyway.)

Standing up against
or fighting back against
abuse seldom changes
the behavior of the abuser.

What works the best is
setting your own boundaries
and sticking to them. That
may mean removing yourself
from the cross-hairs of the abuser.

It may mean cutting off contact
temporarily or permanently.

Abusers do what they do
because they get a pay-off;
generally the pay-off is
power and control, giving
them a feeling of being
on top and in charge.
They're not going to
give that up. The
number of abusers
who become non-abusive
is infinitesimal. The
way to get free of abuse
is to remove oneself
from where the abuse
is being perpetrated.

I've found that to be true, and I agree.

Oh and guess what, guys? My mom is actually the one who INVITED them to stay here! I told her that she or him have shown no consideration for my mental health, especially since it's been in shambles recently. She just has this stupid idea that you "shouldn't turn your back on family" and that their needs should always be met, regardless of how they treat you!!! I was hoping this month would be more relaxing because in January, I start at a new job, but NOPE.