Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
the man i wanted to marry and who says he want to marry me for two years have fallen apart. in the two years i was so depressed and felt worthless, neglected, forgotted, but in the first few months he was very loving and sweet. he has a temper problem, his mum warned me in the beginning but i thought everything was ok, but he was always losing his temper and having outburts, and then blaming me even though ive never done anything wrong, im always at home and he knows im loyal but he accused me of having someone else, he didnt even have a job for a year but i stood by him and said i will wait , i waited a year for him to get a job but then he left it because he got angry at work and didnt get along with people there, he disappeared for three weeks no text no call, he said he can destroy me, said i will always be alone if i leave him, he said i will never find someone like him again, he said i have a disgusting character when i ask him why he hasnt come to see me in months. He always gets angry quick and makes me cry, ive spend the past 2 years crying and then he apologises and says hes sorry for his outburts, so ive forgiven him so many times because he always has excuses and i love him so i forgive. im a loving and forgiving person but he always was harsh to me. he never hit me because ive never been alone with him long enough, we live seperately. my mum told him that if he upset me one more time shes going to stop me seeing him ever again. now he is gone and left me, after all my patience, he couldnt even be patient this once. hes gone, and hes registered on all marriage and dating websites. i dont know what to say.im lost. betrayed. i dont know what to feel, have i been blinded by love? im confused. help
Everything you've described
is emotional abuse.
I hope you'll find a therapist
whose specialty is recovery
from abuse. Therapy has
helped many of us here.
By the way, I'd put serious
money on the probability
that he will return to you.
When he does, if you
take him back, he will
be WORSE THAN EVER.
Please look for a
counselor who can
help support you to
becoming clear and
strong so that when
he does return, you'll
shut the door in his
face. . . . and when
you're ready to consider
another partner, you
won't be lured into
another abusive relationship.
(Abusers are very good
at hiding who they are
till they've captured
their victim.)
Please take good
care of yourself.
Sending hugs
and wishes for
clarity and
healing.
A few months of being
very loving and sweet
isn't love. It's about
the CAPTURE.
"""""""""he has a temper problem,""""""""""""
This is both dysfunctional
and also an indicator of
further dysfunctional
behavior patterns.
Everyone has moments
of anger. Functional
people experience and
express anger in ways
that don't hurt others.
"""""""""""his mum warned me in the beginning"""""""""""
Generally, mothers are going
to be protective of their
children. To be "warned"
about a relationship going
forward by a parent may
mean either that the parent
desires to sabotage a union
going forward (which means
that the son or daughter
grew up in dysfunction),
or that the parent has
witnessed such significantly
bad behavior that the
warning is genuine.
""""""""""""""but he was always losing his temper and having outburts,"""""""""""""""
Dysfunctional.
""""""""""""""""and then blaming me even though ive never done anything wrong,""""""""""""""""
Abusive.
""""""""""""""""""""im always at home and he knows im loyal but he accused me of having someone else,""""""""""""""""
Two things:
Jealousy with accusations
and outbursts based on
nothing in the real world
is abusive.
Second, this kind of
abuse is what's too
frequently involved
in stories that reach
local and national
media, where one
or more people are
hurt or killed.
"""""""""""""""he left it because he got angry at work and didnt get along with people there,""""""""""""""""
Dysfunctional.
""""""""""""""""he disappeared for three weeks no text no call,"""""""""""""""""""""
Abusive, in the context
of an on-going relationship.
""""""""""""""""""""""he said he can destroy me,""""""""""""""""""""""
DANGEROUSLY abusive.
Who says something like that?
Someone who is potentially
dangerous, extremely dangerous
or so mentally ill that there's the
possibility they don't know
where real-life boundaries
are.
""""""""""""""""said i will always be alone if i leave him,""""""""""""""""""""
Standard lie abusers
tell their victims to
maintain control.
""""""""""""""""""'he said i will never find someone like him again,""""""""""""""""""
Someone who abuses you?
That would actually be a
good thing, but sadly,
there are lots of people
out there pretty much
like him.
Also, is there any
kind of positive that
balances out abuse?
No. So. . . . what's so
great about him, really?
"""""""""""""""""'he said i have a disgusting character"""""""""""""""""""
Verbal and psychological abuse.
"""""""""""""""""He always gets angry quick and makes me cry,""""""""""""""""""""
Emotionally abusive.
""""""""""""""""then he apologises and says hes sorry for his outburts,""""""""""""""""
Standard stuff, straight
out of "The
Abusers Playbook."
Falls under the
cycle of power
and control.
""""""""""""""he always has excuses"""""""""""""""""
Of course he does.
They seem to work
in regards to him
getting his way.
Right?
Again, standard stuff,
out of
"The Abusers Playbook."
""""""""""""""""""im a loving and forgiving person"""""""""""""""""
That's exactly why
he preyed on you.
Abusers hunt for
forgiving, super-
accommodating
sweethearts whom
they suspect they'll
be able to manipulate
in order to maintain
power and control.
""""""""""""""""he always was harsh to me.""""""""""""""""
AFTER he was
"loving and sweet"
long enough to
CAPTURE you.
Then you were
bonded and he
was always harsh
and abusive,
because he knew
he "had" you,
tied to him emotionally.
Typical abuse.
"""""""""""""""he never hit me because ive never been alone with him long enough,"""""""""""""""""
Great insight you had there,
but not so great to grow an
intimate relationship. Your
good instincts kept you safe
from physical battery, but if
that's the only reason he
didn't attack you physically,
what does that say about
him?
"""""""""""""""""he couldnt even be patient this once.""""""""""""""""
Actually, he WAS
patient once. He
was patient long
enough to get
you emotionally
bonded. After
that he didn't
need to be
loving, sweet,
patient, kind
and non-abusive
any more. He got
what he wanted.
You were CAPTURED.
Yes. You were lured
into abuse, captured
and then abandoned.
Confusion is always
an indicator of abuse.
What to feel?
Feel your feelings.
They might start
with anger, and
that anger would
be normal.
You might feel
grief, that the
vision you had
for a healthy,
happy relationship
was never fulfilled.
You might feel all
kinds of negatives.
Feel whatever
comes up.
(If you ever feel
a desire for revenge,
feel it but don't act
on it.)
You also might feel,
at some point in time,
profound RELIEF. That
will come when the
fog begins to clear.
Please make sure
that you work together
with a therapist whose
specialty is recovery
from abuse. That has
helped many of us
here and will probably
help you, also.
Does this reply
answer your question?
It helped a lot
Even now I feel like making excuses for him, that he said those things when he was angry, I don't know why, but he's gone now and it's over I hope I can find someone else one day but I feel like noone will show an interest like the way he did. It's going to take me time to be normal again, and get back to how I was, I was very happy before I met him,
Thank you so much for your support I live in the uk I'm not sure how therapy works amor where to get therapy , would you have any advice or knowledge where I should ask? Thank u
Hugs
Manda xx
with a qualified therapist!
Excusing abuse as
being the result of
being angry, is no
excuse. That's like
someone getting
drunk, committing
a crime, and then
saying that they
couldn't help what
they did because
they were drunk.
The reason you feel
no one else will show
an interest in you is
because you don't
know how to love
yourself right now.
Knowing you don't
love yourself, you
can't imagine anyone
else will love you.
When you're able
to love yourself,
you'll attract to you
people who are able
to love THEMself, as
well. When a person
loves themself, they
can love someone else.
You said he told you
you have a "disgusting
character." If that's what
he tells you he thinks
about you, is that the
kind of "interest" you
want someone to be
showing you?
By the way. . . . .
abusers lie constantly.
Generally their lies
are constructed to
tear you down. They
hope you'll think so
little of yourself that
when you look at
them, you'll be
impressed by
what you see.
Further, it makes
them feel better
about themself
to tear down
anyone who
they feel might
somehow be
superior.
He didn't work for a year.
He couldn't keep the job
he got because he
can't get along with others.
He has "a temper."
He calls you awful things.
His mother warned you
about him.
He left for three weeks
without a word.
He was always harsh
towards you.
I'm not trying to be
flip, but. . . .
what about him did
you find appealing?
Please, go tomorrow
to the women's centre
where you live and have
them set you up with
a counselor. Okay?
You are right about everything.
I am generally a weak person.
I need the therapy asap.
I will look for a counsellor tomorrow
I am really greatful for your words of support and helping me
It's still messing with my head
someone is the
responsibility of
parents and teachers,
and they're only
supposed to be
molding children
into healthy adults.
No adult woman
of any age requires
molding. His statement
about that was him
saying, "People over
25 are harder less
susceptible to being
controlled by an abuser.
As far as having children,
the years between 20 and
40 are considered prime
child-bearing years. Further,
science has progressed to
being able to facilitate
women beyond 40, to
be able to conceive
and bear children.
Pretty much everything
he ever said to you was
a lie intended to keep
you in his bondage
and under his control.
Finally, please stop calling
yourself weak. You are
HUMAN. It's hard to end
a relationship and pretty
much everyone feels
sad and vulnerable
for some period of
time. That's one of
many reasons why
therapy is so
vitally important,
particularly right
now.