Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
Hi! =(
I hope everyone is well. Thought I would post an update. I should have listened to my therapist (I think), We got back together last Tuesday and agreed to go to marriage counseling and try to work on things. I really never want to think "What if, or not be able to say I tried everything".
Last Tuesday was our first appointment. I was a wreck, the counselor could tell I was depressed and down. The counselor told my husband that it was clear that I was very down and needed to be built back up (I think I told everyone that last week). She told him that he will have work to do first before we get into anything because I needed to be more level.
Long story short on his build ups of me, he did something nice every day, last two days I think I might have missed what he did...... HOWEVER.........
Last Thursday, I was outside watching my kids ride their bikes after work and talking with my neighbor. The kids were in and out of the garage with bikes and toys with the neighborhood kids. He came out and realized that one of the kids bumped against his "sports car", I saw in his face he was irritated and he got the clothe and cleaner and was cleaning the area saying to me from the garage, "You have to watch the kids when they are in the garage around the cars, they scratched the car"..... He then walked out and made a comment "Parenting at its finest". I looked at him and he said "I'm kidding, I didn't mean it, sorry". We walked into the house a little while later, I stopped at his car where the kids bumped it and didn't see a scratch, I asked him where and he said it is there, I said no its not, where and he just said "Oh, I wiped it off" (You wiped the scratch off?????). He again started saying how when he is outside he pays very close attention to the kids and I need to be more careful watching them around the cars, blah blah blah.
If that was just it I would be ok I guess, we walked into the house and he continued on with it (I felt so irresponsible, nevermind that I was watching the kids to make sure they did not get run over by a car). I told him that the things he was saying are what got us to where we are and he said he was very sorry, he didn't mean it. I told him I wanted to talk, we went upstairs and had a calm conversation about emotional abuse, how his comments hurt me, etc. He said he was truly sorry and thought about the "Parenting at its finest comment as soon as he said it he thought it might not be the right thing". Then he started talking about cleaning and keeping the house clean, etc. etc. etc. eluding to me not cleaning, being responsible, etc.
Friday - Date Night - Took me to a nice restaurant. Had a nice conversation and then the bomb hits....... He told me that his friend (who told him numerous times divorce is bad, he didn't divorce his wife right away, just treated her like gold and cheated on her) asked him if my husband negotiated as part of getting back together (jokingly of course) a couple of trips a year to the dominican republic and when my husband told me he said no, his friend said "well its the middle of the month, did you tell her that you will start on 6/1?". My husband then tells me (again, jokingly of course) "I told him, I know, I already had my life planned in my head, my nice clean organized house, new furniture, I was getting ready to setup a couple of dates & she hits me with this".
I was a little taken back by it only being 3 days and 2 things already happened.
He even asked me this past Tuesday if I was the best I could be (laying around until the last minute before getting up, etc.) because he wants to know so he can adjust his behavior to accept it.........
So many more things have been said since this, all surrounding my credibility as a mother, wife, responsible home taker, etc. He then told me yesterday that he feels like.
I keep thinking, it has barely been more then 1 week and I have too many things that point to dissapointment. Even my therapist has the same opinion that I do, "Isn't the very beginning supposed to be the best it can be before they revert back?". I just keep thinking to what he said to the marriage counselor, "I feel like I'm her father, I have to keep her on schedule, tell her what to do, I feel like I have to be the responsible one". I AM 36 YEARS OLD, ALMOST 37, AND HAVE A GOOD JOB (that is being affected by all of this), HAVE TWO KIDS THAT ARE HEALTHY AND SEEM HAPPY, I HAVE PEOPLE WHO LIKE ME AND THINK I AM A GOOD FRIEND AND PERSON, AM I REALLY THAT IRRESPONSIBLE AND BAD?
I talked to my therapist yesterday and she told me that it is clear I have gone down in my self esteem and confidence and I need to be VERY careful and don't need to give it a year if it is going to affect my well being in this regard. She said if I feel any worse then I do now then I need to GET OUT!!!! She is actually going to talk to our marriage counselor to fill her in, we will see if it works..... I haven't met anyone yet that is optomistic he will change.
I hope everyone is well. Thought I would post an update. I should have listened to my therapist (I think), We got back together last Tuesday and agreed to go to marriage counseling and try to work on things. I really never want to think "What if, or not be able to say I tried everything".
Last Tuesday was our first appointment. I was a wreck, the counselor could tell I was depressed and down. The counselor told my husband that it was clear that I was very down and needed to be built back up (I think I told everyone that last week). She told him that he will have work to do first before we get into anything because I needed to be more level.
Long story short on his build ups of me, he did something nice every day, last two days I think I might have missed what he did...... HOWEVER.........
Last Thursday, I was outside watching my kids ride their bikes after work and talking with my neighbor. The kids were in and out of the garage with bikes and toys with the neighborhood kids. He came out and realized that one of the kids bumped against his "sports car", I saw in his face he was irritated and he got the clothe and cleaner and was cleaning the area saying to me from the garage, "You have to watch the kids when they are in the garage around the cars, they scratched the car"..... He then walked out and made a comment "Parenting at its finest". I looked at him and he said "I'm kidding, I didn't mean it, sorry". We walked into the house a little while later, I stopped at his car where the kids bumped it and didn't see a scratch, I asked him where and he said it is there, I said no its not, where and he just said "Oh, I wiped it off" (You wiped the scratch off?????). He again started saying how when he is outside he pays very close attention to the kids and I need to be more careful watching them around the cars, blah blah blah.
If that was just it I would be ok I guess, we walked into the house and he continued on with it (I felt so irresponsible, nevermind that I was watching the kids to make sure they did not get run over by a car). I told him that the things he was saying are what got us to where we are and he said he was very sorry, he didn't mean it. I told him I wanted to talk, we went upstairs and had a calm conversation about emotional abuse, how his comments hurt me, etc. He said he was truly sorry and thought about the "Parenting at its finest comment as soon as he said it he thought it might not be the right thing". Then he started talking about cleaning and keeping the house clean, etc. etc. etc. eluding to me not cleaning, being responsible, etc.
Friday - Date Night - Took me to a nice restaurant. Had a nice conversation and then the bomb hits....... He told me that his friend (who told him numerous times divorce is bad, he didn't divorce his wife right away, just treated her like gold and cheated on her) asked him if my husband negotiated as part of getting back together (jokingly of course) a couple of trips a year to the dominican republic and when my husband told me he said no, his friend said "well its the middle of the month, did you tell her that you will start on 6/1?". My husband then tells me (again, jokingly of course) "I told him, I know, I already had my life planned in my head, my nice clean organized house, new furniture, I was getting ready to setup a couple of dates & she hits me with this".
I was a little taken back by it only being 3 days and 2 things already happened.
He even asked me this past Tuesday if I was the best I could be (laying around until the last minute before getting up, etc.) because he wants to know so he can adjust his behavior to accept it.........
So many more things have been said since this, all surrounding my credibility as a mother, wife, responsible home taker, etc. He then told me yesterday that he feels like.
I keep thinking, it has barely been more then 1 week and I have too many things that point to dissapointment. Even my therapist has the same opinion that I do, "Isn't the very beginning supposed to be the best it can be before they revert back?". I just keep thinking to what he said to the marriage counselor, "I feel like I'm her father, I have to keep her on schedule, tell her what to do, I feel like I have to be the responsible one". I AM 36 YEARS OLD, ALMOST 37, AND HAVE A GOOD JOB (that is being affected by all of this), HAVE TWO KIDS THAT ARE HEALTHY AND SEEM HAPPY, I HAVE PEOPLE WHO LIKE ME AND THINK I AM A GOOD FRIEND AND PERSON, AM I REALLY THAT IRRESPONSIBLE AND BAD?
I talked to my therapist yesterday and she told me that it is clear I have gone down in my self esteem and confidence and I need to be VERY careful and don't need to give it a year if it is going to affect my well being in this regard. She said if I feel any worse then I do now then I need to GET OUT!!!! She is actually going to talk to our marriage counselor to fill her in, we will see if it works..... I haven't met anyone yet that is optomistic he will change.
Kazb, I think he did what he did to try to get my brother in law on his side, I don't really know. Other then he only cares about himself. If you have any insight on why abusers do this I'm all ears.
Thanks again everyone!!!!
Perhaps he was trying to drive a wedge between you and your brother in law? And/or between you and your sister? And at the same time, to make you feel inadequate because you are "not as good" as your sister who manages so much more than you do (which is, as you say, a crock anyway).
Still wondering why, if he thinks it's SO important to have a clean house and interesting home cooked meals etc ... why can't he do that himself, if he has determined your efforts are not enough? In saying that, I'm obviously making no comment on how clean you are or your meals - because I clearly have no idea. But it really doesn't matter. Once again, he's saying how he just can't understand why you don't do everything he wants, like a perfect little Stepford wife, but where oh where is HIS effort to do ANYTHING you want?
The problem is, he does clean some things and cook (As do I), he doesn't cook all the time but he does do it and by him doing it makes me feel like he is trying to make me feel like because I am not doing what he wants he has to and it makes me feel inadquate.
Women have equal rights now!
Anyway sorry u asked me for insight and I've not replied until now but here is what I think.
Why do abusers seek others out like an army to have on their side (like he's tried with your brother in law) ?
I see two reasons, one is so he can over power your reality, "see it's not just me that agrees with it but ____agrees also" and two, because he knows deep down that what he is doing is wrong. But he won't admit it or look at it so instead he's recruiting validation off your brother in law, so then he gets to feel justified in his belief system of you needed to be like this, the image he has is beaming forced to fit.
Ultimately ya just can't do that to people. He will drive you away. But in his mind he will also remain justified!
Your feeling inadequate because your being treated that way!
It's not you it's HIM !!!
And the thing of only doing bits of what he considers should be your responsibility (cooking and cleaning) is MEANT to make you feel inadequate. That's why he does it those times. Because you are too pathetic/lazy/whatever to get it right. It's so so typical. They don't see marriage and running a household and raising kids etc as a partnership. They see those things as your job, which they help out with sometimes. And mostly, they resent having to help you out with your job, which you should be able to just do.
Even the old gender stereotypes allowed for a partnership, with complementary roles - man as breadwinner, gardener, handyman; woman as housekeeper, child raiser, cook etc. It really doesn't matter what model of partnership a couple has, as long as there is respect and appreciation for what each contributes. He doesn't respect or appreciate your contribution. He just expects more. All rights no responsibilities.