Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
Hi! =(
I hope everyone is well. Thought I would post an update. I should have listened to my therapist (I think), We got back together last Tuesday and agreed to go to marriage counseling and try to work on things. I really never want to think "What if, or not be able to say I tried everything".
Last Tuesday was our first appointment. I was a wreck, the counselor could tell I was depressed and down. The counselor told my husband that it was clear that I was very down and needed to be built back up (I think I told everyone that last week). She told him that he will have work to do first before we get into anything because I needed to be more level.
Long story short on his build ups of me, he did something nice every day, last two days I think I might have missed what he did...... HOWEVER.........
Last Thursday, I was outside watching my kids ride their bikes after work and talking with my neighbor. The kids were in and out of the garage with bikes and toys with the neighborhood kids. He came out and realized that one of the kids bumped against his "sports car", I saw in his face he was irritated and he got the clothe and cleaner and was cleaning the area saying to me from the garage, "You have to watch the kids when they are in the garage around the cars, they scratched the car"..... He then walked out and made a comment "Parenting at its finest". I looked at him and he said "I'm kidding, I didn't mean it, sorry". We walked into the house a little while later, I stopped at his car where the kids bumped it and didn't see a scratch, I asked him where and he said it is there, I said no its not, where and he just said "Oh, I wiped it off" (You wiped the scratch off?????). He again started saying how when he is outside he pays very close attention to the kids and I need to be more careful watching them around the cars, blah blah blah.
If that was just it I would be ok I guess, we walked into the house and he continued on with it (I felt so irresponsible, nevermind that I was watching the kids to make sure they did not get run over by a car). I told him that the things he was saying are what got us to where we are and he said he was very sorry, he didn't mean it. I told him I wanted to talk, we went upstairs and had a calm conversation about emotional abuse, how his comments hurt me, etc. He said he was truly sorry and thought about the "Parenting at its finest comment as soon as he said it he thought it might not be the right thing". Then he started talking about cleaning and keeping the house clean, etc. etc. etc. eluding to me not cleaning, being responsible, etc.
Friday - Date Night - Took me to a nice restaurant. Had a nice conversation and then the bomb hits....... He told me that his friend (who told him numerous times divorce is bad, he didn't divorce his wife right away, just treated her like gold and cheated on her) asked him if my husband negotiated as part of getting back together (jokingly of course) a couple of trips a year to the dominican republic and when my husband told me he said no, his friend said "well its the middle of the month, did you tell her that you will start on 6/1?". My husband then tells me (again, jokingly of course) "I told him, I know, I already had my life planned in my head, my nice clean organized house, new furniture, I was getting ready to setup a couple of dates & she hits me with this".
I was a little taken back by it only being 3 days and 2 things already happened.
He even asked me this past Tuesday if I was the best I could be (laying around until the last minute before getting up, etc.) because he wants to know so he can adjust his behavior to accept it.........
So many more things have been said since this, all surrounding my credibility as a mother, wife, responsible home taker, etc. He then told me yesterday that he feels like.
I keep thinking, it has barely been more then 1 week and I have too many things that point to dissapointment. Even my therapist has the same opinion that I do, "Isn't the very beginning supposed to be the best it can be before they revert back?". I just keep thinking to what he said to the marriage counselor, "I feel like I'm her father, I have to keep her on schedule, tell her what to do, I feel like I have to be the responsible one". I AM 36 YEARS OLD, ALMOST 37, AND HAVE A GOOD JOB (that is being affected by all of this), HAVE TWO KIDS THAT ARE HEALTHY AND SEEM HAPPY, I HAVE PEOPLE WHO LIKE ME AND THINK I AM A GOOD FRIEND AND PERSON, AM I REALLY THAT IRRESPONSIBLE AND BAD?
I talked to my therapist yesterday and she told me that it is clear I have gone down in my self esteem and confidence and I need to be VERY careful and don't need to give it a year if it is going to affect my well being in this regard. She said if I feel any worse then I do now then I need to GET OUT!!!! She is actually going to talk to our marriage counselor to fill her in, we will see if it works..... I haven't met anyone yet that is optomistic he will change.
I hope everyone is well. Thought I would post an update. I should have listened to my therapist (I think), We got back together last Tuesday and agreed to go to marriage counseling and try to work on things. I really never want to think "What if, or not be able to say I tried everything".
Last Tuesday was our first appointment. I was a wreck, the counselor could tell I was depressed and down. The counselor told my husband that it was clear that I was very down and needed to be built back up (I think I told everyone that last week). She told him that he will have work to do first before we get into anything because I needed to be more level.
Long story short on his build ups of me, he did something nice every day, last two days I think I might have missed what he did...... HOWEVER.........
Last Thursday, I was outside watching my kids ride their bikes after work and talking with my neighbor. The kids were in and out of the garage with bikes and toys with the neighborhood kids. He came out and realized that one of the kids bumped against his "sports car", I saw in his face he was irritated and he got the clothe and cleaner and was cleaning the area saying to me from the garage, "You have to watch the kids when they are in the garage around the cars, they scratched the car"..... He then walked out and made a comment "Parenting at its finest". I looked at him and he said "I'm kidding, I didn't mean it, sorry". We walked into the house a little while later, I stopped at his car where the kids bumped it and didn't see a scratch, I asked him where and he said it is there, I said no its not, where and he just said "Oh, I wiped it off" (You wiped the scratch off?????). He again started saying how when he is outside he pays very close attention to the kids and I need to be more careful watching them around the cars, blah blah blah.
If that was just it I would be ok I guess, we walked into the house and he continued on with it (I felt so irresponsible, nevermind that I was watching the kids to make sure they did not get run over by a car). I told him that the things he was saying are what got us to where we are and he said he was very sorry, he didn't mean it. I told him I wanted to talk, we went upstairs and had a calm conversation about emotional abuse, how his comments hurt me, etc. He said he was truly sorry and thought about the "Parenting at its finest comment as soon as he said it he thought it might not be the right thing". Then he started talking about cleaning and keeping the house clean, etc. etc. etc. eluding to me not cleaning, being responsible, etc.
Friday - Date Night - Took me to a nice restaurant. Had a nice conversation and then the bomb hits....... He told me that his friend (who told him numerous times divorce is bad, he didn't divorce his wife right away, just treated her like gold and cheated on her) asked him if my husband negotiated as part of getting back together (jokingly of course) a couple of trips a year to the dominican republic and when my husband told me he said no, his friend said "well its the middle of the month, did you tell her that you will start on 6/1?". My husband then tells me (again, jokingly of course) "I told him, I know, I already had my life planned in my head, my nice clean organized house, new furniture, I was getting ready to setup a couple of dates & she hits me with this".
I was a little taken back by it only being 3 days and 2 things already happened.
He even asked me this past Tuesday if I was the best I could be (laying around until the last minute before getting up, etc.) because he wants to know so he can adjust his behavior to accept it.........
So many more things have been said since this, all surrounding my credibility as a mother, wife, responsible home taker, etc. He then told me yesterday that he feels like.
I keep thinking, it has barely been more then 1 week and I have too many things that point to dissapointment. Even my therapist has the same opinion that I do, "Isn't the very beginning supposed to be the best it can be before they revert back?". I just keep thinking to what he said to the marriage counselor, "I feel like I'm her father, I have to keep her on schedule, tell her what to do, I feel like I have to be the responsible one". I AM 36 YEARS OLD, ALMOST 37, AND HAVE A GOOD JOB (that is being affected by all of this), HAVE TWO KIDS THAT ARE HEALTHY AND SEEM HAPPY, I HAVE PEOPLE WHO LIKE ME AND THINK I AM A GOOD FRIEND AND PERSON, AM I REALLY THAT IRRESPONSIBLE AND BAD?
I talked to my therapist yesterday and she told me that it is clear I have gone down in my self esteem and confidence and I need to be VERY careful and don't need to give it a year if it is going to affect my well being in this regard. She said if I feel any worse then I do now then I need to GET OUT!!!! She is actually going to talk to our marriage counselor to fill her in, we will see if it works..... I haven't met anyone yet that is optomistic he will change.
HUG YOURSELF.
Then get your ducks in a row
to remove yourself from having
to live under the roof of abuse.
LOVE YOURSELF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
My ex would do this all the time. It was like I was forcing him to be with me and I wasn't. It's funny how 7 months later after we split for good (only happened last week this) he rings me and he asks me out again! You would think that after me apparently being told many times in the past that he couldn't live with me because I was hard work that he would be glad to be rid of me. But u see the only reason he would say he couldn't live with me was not because if me but because of him, he was lying, he was with someone else. So u see the point I am making to you is that it's not entirely true that it's you that's the problem, it's him!!!
He told me that I make him feel like he doesn't matter because I should be doing the things he wants, but I tell him I am but they are not all that he wants so it is not good enough, because if it was he wouldn't keep bringing it up right?
If a stranger was to hit u in the street and it knock your self confidence and u no long felt safe to go outside, would u turn to that attacker for help and support in gaining the confidence back to be able to walk down the street in afraid? Would u hell!
Your husband has been verbally abusive to you sweetheart and is the reason as to why u ended up here in the first place. People don't just loose their confidence as if they dropped it down a grid in the street and now it's been lost. Something happens to that person, some kind of trauma that alters their awareness and kills their spirit.
He won't be the one to build it back up for u, no matter how's my times he says he didn't mean it or it was a joke because he's the one that keeping it from you!
The good news is that u can rebuild your spirit and make it whole again.
Carl rogers who developed the theoretical approach to counselling which is known as "person centred counselling" believed that every human being has the potential for growth but only given the right environment would they ever reach their full potential.
He tells a story, he once went down into his basement and noticed an old sack of potatoes in the corner. It was dark and damp down there. And even though the conditions were not great for these potatoes, they had still sprouted roots and were growing up towards the little but of sunlight from the small basement window. He used this to point out that every living organism is striving to reach their full potential, even in dire circumstance, people will strive to grow and change. But if that window of light is being darkened in a regular basis then the potatoes would never be able to sprout roots, they would die.
You can reach your full potential, it's within you, you just have to reach for the light. Your husband is darkening out that light every time he verbally abuses you!
She was in the living room watching a movie with her daughters They were eating snacks. He husband is a very clean and organized guy. He walks in.. in a bad mood obviously. starts complaining to her about how they are going to get crumbs everywhere and make a mess. She looks at him. Takes a handful of popcorn, drops it on the floor and grinds it into the carpet with her foot!
That's the way you show a potential bossy boots that you're not going to take that crap!
You could have taken a key and ran it across his car and said.. "Now that's a scratch! lol
Seriously though... Resist the urge to defend yourself against criticizing comments. They aren't about you. they are about him.
He is who he is and he probably won't change ( thought he sounds like he is willing to talk about things which is a HUGE plus) You are the one who can change.
Any person's comments weather they be mean comments or compliments should not change our self esteem. We are who we are. If people blame us or praise us it is about them. We remain the same..
My therapist told me that I should be able to tell within about 2 to 3 weeks if he is sincere in his willingness to change. I understand that people don't change overnight, but just like when people are first dating and everyone is in the "honeymoon stage, on their best behavior, etc. etc." I would have at least expected that from him but 2 days, 2 freaking days after getting back together......
And to boot, I have been told about things he has said to people which are the complete opposite of what he has told me.
It all seems so clear, and I just wish I had more strength, like I did a few weeks ago. I hate holding out hope that he will change but deep down my gut telling me he will not (As everyone else is saying too), not wanting to lose myself completely again but also want to be able to say "I TRIED EVERYTHING".
I am sure you all know the feeling, it just really really sucks... =(
Thanks for all your support ladies.... Hugging you all!
Plus, I think if you gave him 20 years of your life. That shows you gave it your all and more, much more.
So very sad, but his actions are saying it all. Like you say, he should be at his best behaviour and sweet talking to you, not putting you down as a mom, woman, wife, person etc etc
My ex did the same the last few times I took him back. at the end every little thing I did was wrong. Everything. I felt so stressed because he used to watch me like a hawk waiting to find something to complain about with what I was doing. I was the worst mother, person, woman, bad in bed, bad doing laundry, bad cleaning the house..... and on and on..
I couldn't live that way anymore. He did this because the more times I took him back, the less respect he had for me as I was showing him I was lacking self-respect.
I say you have given it your all. I think it's a good time to walk away now and know you tried your best. I would hate to see you waste 20 more years on someone that clearly won't and doesn't want to change.
Hugs
You said, You would always wonder so you had to give it this one last shot. The way you wrote that, i had to agree.
All the things you point out All that has already happened.
I think you know in your gut what you need to do.
I wish you the very best no matter what you do. Please keep us posted.
(((((((((((((((((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
The next one is a practical one that is SO common with these types and just shits me to tears (scuse language). He's constantly harping at you about how YOU don't keep the house clean enough (despite the fact that you also work) and then "jokes" about how he was looking forward to a clean house without you. What, he figures a fairy godmother will turn up and hand him a magic cleaning wand the second the door shuts behind you? And besides, what does he want, a wife or a maid service? If he wants a maid service, he should be paying you for it. And THEN he gets the right to complain about you not doing your job properly. But of course, then you are just a maid and he doesn't get to have a say about any other aspect of your life.
I'm still amused by when I went to couples counselling with one of my abusers (I've been in 3 abusive relationships, this was the 2nd one). In talking through what our problems were, my then partner told her that one of his big issues was that no matter how many times he told me what needed cleaned up or done around the house, I hardly ever did it. Like you, I was working at the time (working longer hours and earning WAY more money than he was), so she said to him "Well, do you do any of it yourself?" He looked at her like she had 2 heads, and said "well I tell her about it - if it weren't for me pointing out what needs doing nothing at ALL would get done". "Yes", she said, "but do YOU do any of it?" And again "well, I point it out" and so on. She told me afterwards that there was no point in us going to couples counselling (not just for that one but for several similar ones).
Also, as kaz said, he treats you like an irresponsible child, then complains that he has to treat you like an irresponsible child. What does HE do in your life (apart from being critical) that would even qualify as acting like a father? When I was a child, I wasn't expected to work and cook and clean and raise children all by myself - if he wants to claim to be your parent, he should be doing all that and more. But he doesn't. He just puts you down then claims to hate the position of superiority he's claimed for himself.
Like my exes, he wants the rights that come with superiority, but will take none of the responsibilities of it. And in any event, he has no right to that position of superiority over you. You are supposed to be a partner, not his child, and he has no right treating you like a child. Much less then twisting it around to complain that he "has" to treat you like a child.
Just because an abuser calls you irresponsible doesn't make it so, either. Seems to me you are acting FAR more responsibly than he is. Please try not to internalise his criticisms. Next time he complains that he has to be your father, tell him to stop treating you like a child and instead try working WITH you instead of just telling you what your chores are and what your supposed weaknesses are. And if he wants to go with the "just being honest" line, tell him that next time he wants to be negatively "honest" he needs to come up with a genuine compliment at the same time.
His complaints aren't real, they are just a manipulation to keep you feeling inadequate. And the "jokes" about how fabulous his life was going to be until "she hits me with this" are again just supposed to devalue you further, to make the point that you can't survive without him but he will do so much better without the burden of you around his neck. But if he really believed that, he wouldn't have agreed to try again, wouldn't have agreed to the counselling and wouldn't be making even the surface efforts he is.
Keep moving forward with clarity, keep making your own decisions for your life, and don't beat yourself up if they don't all end up going the way you hoped, particularly when you make them with your eyes open and knowing that there is a significant risk that they won't.
Of course now that he is happy because he has been off of work for 2 days and he has things cleaned up he is in a GREAT MOOD, but still said last night that he can't understand why I don't think it is unhealthy to only vacume every other week. Why I can't just recognize that the center piece on the table that is technically "christmas theme" but it nice enough other then 2 red flowers to leave out all year is inappropriate to have out all year and why I just don't want to live in a nice enviornment that will shape my mood??? He actually compared me to my sister who doesn't have any kids how she is so good about researching home cooked recipes at work and makes them at night for her husband. I guess he forgets that I make homemade chili, homemade meatballs with sauce, etc.
Then he tells me last night that he talked with my brother in law, told me how similar they are and how he doesn't understand why I don't understand what he wants and why I don't think its important to have a clean house, etc.
Funny thing.... I talked with my brother in law this morning and (imagine this...) the conversation from my brother in law's point of view was completely different. His point of view of the conversation was that everyone is different, etc. My brother in law said that my husband took only bits and pieces of their conversations to use them to his advantage.