When I look back on that relationship, I see it so differently now, I used to think that he had many different personality traits, but the reality is much different.

He really had only three primary traits:

self-pity
self-love
anger

When I apply any of those traits to any memory, beyond the lure me in with his nice mask phase, it fits.

Everything was about him. Only him. How he would benefit. What he would get. It all had a purpose, served his needs. Everything.

The longer I knew him, the manifestations of those traits amplified and accelerated.

I read these posts and I ache inside. I want all who come here to reclaim their power, their joy, their lives...have a sanctuary, time to heal, find their way back and then with all they have learned, find good friends, partners, family who are solid, kind, and good. We all deserve to have a soft place to land. I thought I loved, it felt like love coming from my heart. I don't dispute anyone's feelings here, we all have our own path. Period.

As I look back I see where he slowly, systematically, purposefully lured, manipulated and twisted every single situation, what I thought was real, a relationship, was all mirrors and smoke.

My former abuser was a stranger to me. I didn't see it for the longest time. I wanted to take all that I saw that was normal mixed with my ability to ignore/avoid/forgive the wrong, bad, messed up stuff, somehow I couldn't believe it. My belief of love got in the way of what he was, what he did and I excused, doubted, forgave, tried again and it all escalated.

I found out things in the aftermath that shocked me, I was naive. His jealousy masked his lies. His cruelty masked his disappearances. He seemed responsible, but in fact had serious debt due to inability to out of control spending habits. He was into things much worse than I had ever dreamed of. I was innocent in many ways. I only had a glimpse of his treachery and it was horrendous.

I don't want any other woman to ever have to suffer because of him. I have no belief that he can change or be changed by anyone else. He is a predator.

Every post of a woman on the verge of, on the path of Survival gives me hope. We can learn to recognize their traits, symptoms, behaviors...no matter what we have known or experienced in life. We can all expose them, distance ourselves, leave them and move forward.

I think about the person I met, the view he presented to the world.

When I got sick, I was married for a 2nd time, my mate bailed on me during that first year of illness. It took a lot of time and thinking before I started dating again, one on one with someone seriously. I had been single again for several years, so I was in ready/not ready mode.

It felt good to laugh again, share jokes with him, talk to him. It felt good to be treated well, like a lady. Everything that I shared with him, trusted in him to share, in time was used against me. The person I met & got to know hid such sickness. In time revealed a deep jealousy of my abilities, people in my life and my general dispositon of happiness. He tore it all down, brick by brick. Took me a part in one way or another, it ended in physical violence. I was so enmeshed in the relationship, somewhere, somehow I completely lost all boundaries. Even that day, when I was numb & shell shocked, injured, bruised and battered, I thought of him.

It was like being a member of a of Cult of 2. I needed to learn how to think clearly again. I needed to separate myself from the situation, learn how to be an observer.

Being an observer is the beginning of healing. Separating myself from my thoughts & emotions allowed me to see what was really going on. What had happened, what the flags were, what the danger signals were. I don't know at what point I went from girlfriend to victim, but it happened slowly and subtly along the way. I am a Survivor. I am able, strong, good and precious. I got education, went to therapy, several times, once was not enough for me, my mind wasn't processing very well and I needed reinforcement of the truth.

When I was first in a group therapy, I was still in denial. I thought there stories were so different. They had been married for many years, had children with abusive partners and now after 15 or 20 years were in a new, safe place of learning. I thought, but he only hurt me physically one time, still thought I was different, didn't fit the mold. It took time, dedication, discipline to realize all that had happened daily that was representative of his emotional abuse.

I learned that I was co-dependent in this relationship. I didn't like the words that were associated with this...co-dependent, victim, abused...it does not matter what you do, who you are, how you spend your time, where you live, there are abusers at every socioeconomic level. Abusers do not discriminate, they abuse. Abuse is abuse is abuse.

I got into individual therapy sessions, but when she pointed out his failings, I withdrew. So deep in it...it confused me, hard to admit it, but it did. I was still living out what he said, what he did, how he showed me that deep inside, he was a decent person. I could not process it when she point blank said what a good partner would do for me. I was so lost that it didn't even make sense.

I could not think about that. I did not think I deserved anything, it was all on me. I had given up so much of myself that I could not imagine a different way, this was how it is. "You don't understand" burned deep inside of me...I was that lost, I had a long way to go.

If a friend told me about a relationship like this, I would have advised her to end it, get away, run, but I could not apply that to my own situation. Even away from him, I was locked up tight.

I fumbled the ball a lot in those early days, it took me time to read the books, learn the traits, believe the facts before me. Learn to love myself, learn to raise the bar of how wrong my thinking was. I had sold my soul, given him such power, as if he was some sort of demigod. It hurts me to share this, reveal how lost I was.

I wrote letters to him, to others to let it all out. I tore them up, but I wrote down every hurt, every misunderstanding, I wanted validation and I wanted him to say he was sorry, wrong, how he would do all the steps, leave no stone unturned to heal, get help, rectify and make it right.

His nature was revealed to me in time, I was not still in his life, but I was still imprisoned by our time together. Knowing did not clear up my thinking. I still saw the promise in him, saw his smile, remembered the good times.

Therapy helped, self-help books helped, going through all the steps of grieving helped. I did it all and came out on the other side, I survived.

I don't think the face of evil has only one reflection. I don't think he could have lured me in without other components. I know many of you are struggling with the situation itself, the talks you have, the promise of change or the promise of who he was at any time during the relationship. Step back, observe, make lists if it helps, but don't let go of this seed of awareness about your situation. Once you start shaking off the fog, numbness, emotions, thoughts...there will come a day when you can claim freedom. Say hello, my name is Survivor...