Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
I first came to this forum three months ago because I was being emotionally and verbally abused almost constantly by my girlfriend and it had driven me to the brink of insanity. I got into therapy and finally found enough backbone to stand up to her. She got all dolled up in makeup and did her hair because she had a \\"family birthday party\\" to go to after work. I knew darn good and well she had been cheating on me with at least one ex and as I found out, her next victim as well. I told her she had to go and go she did, her new boyfriend rented a Uhaul truck and they came for her furniture the very next day.
I\\\'ve done a lot of reading here and offered some encouraging words from time to time. I know that in some of my past relationships I was the abusive one. My recent experience moved me to try to make amends to two of my past girlfriends, which understandably, they didn\\\'t really care to hear.
I struggle with why I feel so unlovable and miserably lonely. My father has always felt it is perfectly acceptable to be viciously critical because he\\\'s doing it for your own good. There wasn\\\'t anything I did growing up,no matter how good it was but what he could find something negative to say; the one exception being academics, I was an honor roll student. My mother had always been the buffer between dad and us kids, but she passed away when I was only 18.
Having concluded that my father\\\'s verbal abuse and emotional neglect is a big contributing factor to why I\\\'m so screwed up, is there some way I can use that knowledge to help me in the healing process?
I hit a plateau in my therapy and then ran flat into a brick wall, I\\\'m afraid and unwilling to deal with the identified issues. I\\\'ve always had problems with alcohol and substance abuse and my rationalization is that drinking isn\\\'t the problem, it\\\'s the symptom of other problems, but now I don\\\'t want to deal with them. I \\"forgot\\" my last therapy appointment and gotten drunk twice since then. I was trying to rationalize some reason to stop seeing the therapist anyway. I do have another appointment this Friday.
I\\\'m certainly not asking for or expecting sympathy but maybe some of you have some insight that might help?
I\\\'ve done a lot of reading here and offered some encouraging words from time to time. I know that in some of my past relationships I was the abusive one. My recent experience moved me to try to make amends to two of my past girlfriends, which understandably, they didn\\\'t really care to hear.
I struggle with why I feel so unlovable and miserably lonely. My father has always felt it is perfectly acceptable to be viciously critical because he\\\'s doing it for your own good. There wasn\\\'t anything I did growing up,no matter how good it was but what he could find something negative to say; the one exception being academics, I was an honor roll student. My mother had always been the buffer between dad and us kids, but she passed away when I was only 18.
Having concluded that my father\\\'s verbal abuse and emotional neglect is a big contributing factor to why I\\\'m so screwed up, is there some way I can use that knowledge to help me in the healing process?
I hit a plateau in my therapy and then ran flat into a brick wall, I\\\'m afraid and unwilling to deal with the identified issues. I\\\'ve always had problems with alcohol and substance abuse and my rationalization is that drinking isn\\\'t the problem, it\\\'s the symptom of other problems, but now I don\\\'t want to deal with them. I \\"forgot\\" my last therapy appointment and gotten drunk twice since then. I was trying to rationalize some reason to stop seeing the therapist anyway. I do have another appointment this Friday.
I\\\'m certainly not asking for or expecting sympathy but maybe some of you have some insight that might help?
My 30 year marriage turned into a nightmare because my ex was never able to deal with the abuse from his own father, and perpetuated it daily, upon me and my son. And became an alcoholic as a way to run from the pain that he felt and dealt. My son is in therapy now...he doesn\'t like it, but we are going to break this cycle. Please break it in your family too.....
You can do this....you can...
You\'re very articulate, and clearly insighful.
Here\'s my two cents:
Answering the question that titles your thread?
Knowing why doesn\'t fix the problem. But it can be one of the tools we use to help fix the problem. You can\'t do a home renovation with one tool. You need a workshop full of tools. So understanding the foundation of the problem becomes one of those tools.
You\'ve been using alcohol as a pain killer, a "blankie."
Using stuff, over-doing stuff ---- whatever our chosen ". . . .ism," won\'t fix the problem. It\'s just a numbing agent.
Now you\'ve got some insight. It\'s probably time to move off your plateau and do the work it takes to get to the next level.
"Forgetting" therapy is an indication that you\'re really at that climbing wall, and find it: ______________ (fill in the blank: terrifying, too hard, whatever. . . . .).
Your other option is to go backward, downward. We seldom stay in the same place.
I hope you choose to accept the challenge of going forward into health.
You\'ve made great strides. Honor the work you\'ve done, by continuing to grow, heal and recover from the abuses of the past.
I used to drink to great excess. When I left the abuse and stopped hurting, I stopped reaching for a pain killer.
I still have issues to fix and I\'m working on those. The harder it feels, the more I know that\'s the thing I need to address, and this is the time.
When one of my clients kind of wimps out on their work with me, generally it\'s because we\'ve gotten real close to something important ----- TOO close. And the discomfort is too much for them. They\'re scared.
Please return to your therapy and bring your insightful thoughts and feelings to your counselor.
Best to you. Please take good care!
Ilene
From what you have written I can hear that you need and crave therapy. You know you have issues so you really need to deal with them. Therapy can help you with the parental issues, the self-esteem issues and ultimately the drinking and substance abuse.
I have found many men are reluctant to go to therapy because sharing emotions is not something our culture encourages so well for males.
The knowledge of where your issues stem from (your abusive father) will absolutely help you in your own healing. Knowledge is power, right? You can choose to get rid of these demons by talking about them with a trained professional. Talk therapy has been found to alter your brain chemistry in a positive way.
That all being said, I have been in and out of therapy since I was 16 and have always found it to be helpful. I hope you can find the courage to go back to your therapist or to seek out one that works for you. You are worth it and you deserve to lead a happy and healthy life.
STOP telling strange women what to do.