Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
It has been a couple of weeks since I posted, I think. I have tried, unsuccessfully to go NC several times.
HE goes NC with me all the time. I can never reach him until that moment I stop (he can read my mind!). The moment I let go and accept HIS NC he comes flying back into the picture and the cycle starts again and again.
The latest thing are his promises to visit. They keep getting delayed but they are there. I've changed, no more drugs or pills, I want to come see you next week-end. Then, I reach out to HIM (the latest because of a continuance in my daughters abusers trial) and he doesn't respond. It makes me crazy. CRAZY. I text, call, no response. For days. I get furious. This is about our daughter. You said we had to stay in constant communication because we co-parent. That only applies when HE wants to talk to ME.
I think this latest has gotten me good. I spent an evening with sweet daughter. She confided in me that she was depressed and just barely hanging on. I was scared. On the way home to my lonely empty apartment I tried to reach him. Left VM messages from Friday night until Monday morning when I gave up and blocked him. On Tuesday, he decided again he wanted to "come". DUDE, where were you?
That week-end I sat on my bed and just let the feelings wash over me. We need him. She needs him. I need him. The old him. Not this new awful person. He chooses not to be there. His daughter isn't well. She has been abused and spent weeks in a tent city living homeless. He never came. She ran away with her abuser who took away all of her possessions and he never came.
I just let those feelings wash over me over and over again and then I decided that I could be the best damn mom and dad this girl has ever known. I spent time with her last night. She came over and did homework and my apartment and I fed her and did her laundry. lol It was wonderful. *I* am there for her. I am not going anywhere. We don't need him.
If we aren't even coparents anymore then we are NOTHING. There is no other reason to hold on. Last night, I blocked his number and every Skype number or blackberry number he has ever called me from. I commit to No Contact. He only poisons everything around him. I have made an appointment with my therapist for this week as well. Time to start working through some of the PTSD she has diagnosed me with.
NC: 11 hours, 50 minutes, 11 seconds and counting
HE goes NC with me all the time. I can never reach him until that moment I stop (he can read my mind!). The moment I let go and accept HIS NC he comes flying back into the picture and the cycle starts again and again.
The latest thing are his promises to visit. They keep getting delayed but they are there. I've changed, no more drugs or pills, I want to come see you next week-end. Then, I reach out to HIM (the latest because of a continuance in my daughters abusers trial) and he doesn't respond. It makes me crazy. CRAZY. I text, call, no response. For days. I get furious. This is about our daughter. You said we had to stay in constant communication because we co-parent. That only applies when HE wants to talk to ME.
I think this latest has gotten me good. I spent an evening with sweet daughter. She confided in me that she was depressed and just barely hanging on. I was scared. On the way home to my lonely empty apartment I tried to reach him. Left VM messages from Friday night until Monday morning when I gave up and blocked him. On Tuesday, he decided again he wanted to "come". DUDE, where were you?
That week-end I sat on my bed and just let the feelings wash over me. We need him. She needs him. I need him. The old him. Not this new awful person. He chooses not to be there. His daughter isn't well. She has been abused and spent weeks in a tent city living homeless. He never came. She ran away with her abuser who took away all of her possessions and he never came.
I just let those feelings wash over me over and over again and then I decided that I could be the best damn mom and dad this girl has ever known. I spent time with her last night. She came over and did homework and my apartment and I fed her and did her laundry. lol It was wonderful. *I* am there for her. I am not going anywhere. We don't need him.
If we aren't even coparents anymore then we are NOTHING. There is no other reason to hold on. Last night, I blocked his number and every Skype number or blackberry number he has ever called me from. I commit to No Contact. He only poisons everything around him. I have made an appointment with my therapist for this week as well. Time to start working through some of the PTSD she has diagnosed me with.
NC: 11 hours, 50 minutes, 11 seconds and counting
YEAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
You and I really CAN be the best damn mom AND dad!! You go for it!
We are cheering you on!
The fog will start to clear once you enact NC.
My beloved Seahawks. Such a rush. It was a wonderful game. Sports is something I found "again" after the divorce. The ex always thought it was stupid and a waste of time. Now I can just adore it. I watched the game with my family and all was well until I began to head home. Alone. It is very lonely. NC means no more contact. No more hope. I know that it is means some other wonderful and positive things but I don't see that so much at the moment. Right now it just feels crummy.
As my friend says, it will feel crummy right up until it doesn't. I ask myself, "What is going on right now and can I accept this?" Well, I am sad because I know what no contact means and I have committed to my well being which means NO contact. Can I accept this? Well, yes, in fact, I can.
NC (REAL NO CONTACT) 20 hours, 27 minutes, 48 seconds
So yes, be the best you you can be. And know that you are enough. It's hard to convince yourself that you are enough after a lifetime of being told and taught that you are inadequate. But those were lies. You are there for your daughter, you are doing what a parent should. You are enough. Shame on him for not being there, but you are. She's not alone, she hasn't been abandoned - because she has you.
Rosiekins, this makes me so sad. Our sweet boys. How old is your son? Mine is already 21 but it makes me so sad. "Mom, I am so proud of you and the way you have handled yourself. You are so strong and I love you." THIS tells me that you guys are right. I AM enough.
Someone on this site introduced me to the term "extreme self care". I just loved that. It brought self care to a whole new level. I told my therapist once that I wanted to have a breakdown and go to the "place" and heal. Where is that and how do I get there? She said to me, Shannon, that is extreme self care. Create that. Block out time in your life and have that break down and that healing. This week I am going to practice extreme self care. Do what I need to do (work!) but watch a lot of netflix and a lot of sleep. Knowing the first week of real no contact will probably be the worst.
I am certain that he is now merely a terrible bad habit I have. A habit that I do not need anymore.
22 hours :)
Oh, please, let me get it right this time.
My son is 18. What a wonderful son you have, to have your back and express his appreciation. They know you are there for them! Well done! I know what you mean about your ex wanting to just be a friend to them at this point...if even that. And you are right about your ex being a bad habit. You know what else? It is so freeing for me to stop obsessing about my stbx all of the time. I have so much more space in my mind now to replace that stuff with good thoughts, creativity, movie watching....just anything stress-less! ((Hugs))
I have an appointment with my therapist on Wednesday evening which I am looking forward to. I have accepted her diagnosis of PTSD and now understand that it is what causes my panic attacks. She has a treatment idea of taking me back to certain events and sort of reliving them and treating the woman I was in those moments. Have any of you heard of such a thing? I am hopeful as I feel like this vulnerability is often what sparks me to break NC.
Looking forward to a NC day. 1 day, 9 hours, 34 minutes
And because tone of voice and facial expression doesn't come through with typing, I am in no way being scarcastic. It IS progress, true progress. And that is the best we can ever hope for.
Day one was so difficult that I never want to have to go through it again. I don't want to break NC this time. It wasn't difficult because I wanted to contact him. It was difficult because of the letting go. Letting go of communication with him. Letting go of the abuse, in a sense. When did I ever reach the point where I would miss the abuse because it was attention and communication from him.
I can hear the words, "You are a dirty whore Shannon for taking my money all the time. Oh, you aren't? Should I stop the alimony then? F"ing whore."
Maybe I don't miss it so much.
the abuse.
You miss the
dream you enjoyed
when he came on,
as a person
capable of
loving you.
He was not capable
of loving, you or anyone.
You're doing GREAT.
Keep up the SELF-CARE!!!!!!
Sending you hugs
and healing prayers.