Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
I have been living apart from my husband since April but we still talk and see each other about twice a week. He has been in alcohol treatment since February, but is also has a history of emotional and some physical abuse. I have been sticking around to see if the alcohol treatment would help alleviate the abuse but have since learned that substance abuse treatment does not cure abusive thinking and behavior. I have read Lundy Bancroft's book Why Does He Do That, which taught me that there is different treatment for abusive behavior. I talked to my husband about him getting help for that and he claims he will think about it and IF he does it wouldnt be until after his 6 month alcohol treatment is over. He claims I am not acknowledging all the changes he has made when I try to explain to him how scared and guarded I feel. When I do bring this up, he claims I am "attacking him" and he will sometimes say that we want different things in life. His newest claim has been that he now wants to have kids knowing that I have no interested in having children (especially with him at the moment). A few days ago he said he wanted to be with a woman who is caring, soft, type B and nurturing (implying that I am none of those things). He keeps saying that he is making positive changes in his life and wants to rid himself of all negativity, which includes talking about the past (i.e. his abusive behavior). I don't know what to do. I am still young (33) and want a healthy relationship and happy life. I just dont know if it is possible to be in a healthy relationship with him. If he doesnt get treatment for the abusiveness I feel that there is no hope and I have to let him go, even though I love him. This is so hard and I struggle with this thoughts every day....
I also read Lundy Bancroft's book and thought, wow, this is my life. Very eye opening. I flagged pages that applied to my life with sticky notes. At the end of the book, hundreds of sticky notes were staring at me.
You are correct that alcoholics are not abusers and abusers are not alcoholics....two separate issues. And, while he's at his alcoholic treatment program, your husband is still abusing you. Making you feel unworthy, not measuring up to his needs, and implying you're the negative force. It called projection. He is actually unworthy, not measuring up to your needs, and is a negative force in your life.
I kicked my husband out. He continued to abuse me from afar, but I had the ability to not answer my phone and delete his emails. No response is the way I dealt with him. Sometimes silence speaks volumes.
He continued to drink (even though he told me he stopped) and eventually one of his hospitalizations ended in death; end stage liver failure.
I hope you're in therapy and receiving emotional support. Whatever you do, do not have children with this man. They may become targets of his abuse; mine were. And, you cannot have a healthy relationship with an abuser.
"He also tells me I need to let go of the past and focus in the future."
This is pure unadulterated BULLSH*T!!!!!
It's hard to let go of the past and focus in the future because
1. they keep repeating the past so it's hard to let go of something that keeps happening.... and
2. the 'future' hasn't happened and it's a cop out for them because they aren't living in the NOW which is really all we have.
So, as long as we are focusing in the future they can keep doing what they do in the present!
I do agree w/the other posters and I encourage you to get counseling w/someone who specializes in recovery from abuse, trauma & codependency. Not all therapists understand the dynamics of abuse or addition. And I highly recommend you NOT use any therapist associated with a rehab center, especially the one your husband went to!
I say this based on my own experience & that of others I know. Do NOT believe anything he says!!!!!
The best predictor of future behavior is past & present behavior. I lived on his promises for decades. Please don't waste your life waiting for him to change. Getting off alcohol permanently is only 10% of the problem. The other 90% is behavior! It will take him years to change his behavior.
My suggestion is to decide if you want to spend your precious energy and the years you have ahead of you waiting for him to change. Statistics say it's way more likely that he will NOT change for the better.
Big hugs to you...
I just wanted to add my support to you, and to what was said about treatment for alcoholism not solving the problem.
My father-in-law drank and was violent almost nightly from when my husband was a toddler until he was 17. He stopped abruptly when his wife died of cancer and the kids became his sole responsibility. I`d like to have believed there was some final pulling up of socks involved, but instead I lean towards suspecting it was more about outward image. After his wife died, he couldn't cause chaos in private any more with her frightened into silence to cover for him, because there were other family members visiting all the time for the children and to help with the household tasks she had used to do.
And when I say he "stopped", I mean he just stopped drinking - he was still, and will always be, a narcissist and a terrible emotional abuser. That part stuck around with a vengeance, and hasn't changed in the heading for 20 years since then. I don`t ever expect it will.
Alcohol abuse is a mere symptom of the real problem. Even after it has been cured, the work still hasn't even begun as far as learning not to be an abuser is concerned. And the odds of someone actually learning that? Miniscule, honestly. I`ve had two parents and an excuse for a husband who prove it.
Sending you very best wishes and hoping you find the support you need xxx
GO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
You're in the prime years of your life.
Don't waste another moment
on someone who doesn't have
the insight to acknowledge or
the backbone to work against
being abusive to his partner.
Yes, it will be hard to leave.
It may be the hardest thing
you've had to do in your life
so far.
But in a period of time,
after the pain has subsided
and the possibility of finding
a healthy relationship is a
reality. . . . you will be
sssoooooooooo
happy that you
made the hard choice
to leave this dysfunctional
husband behind.
His dealing with his alcohol
issue is SEPARATE from
his abuse issue. If he
won't deal with both
(and he obviously
isn't interested in
doing so),
your marriage is
doomed to being
a dark, horrible
place for you.
LEAVE.
It's hard but
you won't regret it!
What abusers do (and alcoholics are extra specially good at this) is use us to feed their ego because their self esteem is in the tank. They cannot get enough praise. I can't tell you how many times I had to repeat praise for the same thing over and over and over ad nauseam!
Abusers tend to be narcissistic and that is just exacerbated by the alcoholism. This will only get worse, no matter what he says.
I've been out 8 yrs now and my life is so much better. It's really scary at first, but it gets better a little at a time. Healing isn't linear, but one day you will wake up and go, wow, I didn't think about him yesterday and it's so peaceful/calm and I feel better. It takes a while to grieve the losses, which are many, but it is so worth it!
"I am no longer miserable and therefore do not need your company," is not only implying that you're miserable; it`s also the height of selfishness, in a very literal way.
It implies that you should be there when HE wants you to be there, and only then... and the other side of it is the, "You're my best friend," when he decides he wants to say that. It`s always at his whim.
Relationships don`t work like that. You know that, but he`s disordered and will in all probability never see them that way. Narcissists don`t see anything or anyone else except their own wants.
Had it for YEARS. "You're annoying me... but don't go. I don`t need you, I don`t need ANYONE!... but don't go."
I agree with everyone who said "go." Hugs xxx