Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
Ok... We went to the mediation for our divorce. All seemed to go ok considering, and it went fairly quick because we had already decided on how we would handle and split things ahead of time.
UNTIL..............................................
We got to the money part. The back story to this is that we both agreed on 50/50 visitation meaning he gets the kids one week and I get them one week and we would split all expenses in half for the kids. I was ok with this. I have more in my 401k retirment plan then he did and in my state we split everything 50/50 so naturally I owed him money after we added most liabilities and assets and split the remainder. I was ok with this too.
In my state child support is an automatic calculation, even if we say we are splitting everything 50/50 we still have to complete the child support calculation to see if anything additional based on the incomes is due to either party. My husband makes more then me, not a whole lot more but enough. I honestly didn't think he would owe me anything or if he did it would be so close to a wash I wouldn't even fuss about it.
Well...... He actually owes me $350/month in child support, I was shocked. It would certainly help me but the funny thing is, he was ROYALLY PISSED!!!! He said during the mediation "whatever I guess, I mean this is not what we agreed to before we came here but whatever". The mediator tried to tell him that he makes more so naturally even taking into consideration us splitting everything in half he still makes more and it is about the kids. He then said to me "You are missing what she is saying, we have to put in writing that I owe you but we can still go based on what we agreed to before here". The mediator said, no, you really don't want to have a "hand shake" deal because someone could always come back later.
On top of this, he tried to screw me. He is a CPA, so he is the finance guy. I am not illiterate but I don't know numbers like he does, so I trusted his formulas in excel when he spreadsheeted EVERYTHING out. Because I owe him money, I am transferring it from my 401k to him because I don't have cash on hand to give him. He is going to pull cash out and he will owe taxes, I agreed to split the taxes with him for that (because I felt bad, not because I have to). Well, when the mediator tried to break everything out for the divorce settlement docs, it turned out he stuck me with the whole tax bill. He tried to justify it to the mediator that he was giving me credit for 1/2 his bonus that he is getting that I would be entitled to (which was less then 1/2 of the taxes). The mediator said "NO" she is entitled to that so you can't do that.
I am so mad right now....... I thought I was trying to be fair and thought he was too, but he is not. I didn't even take credit for 1/2 of his car that is paid off that I could have, I didn't take anything from the 2 businesses he has that he gets a little bit of extra cash out of every year, I agreed to keep him on my cell phone plan to help him save money because I get unlimited data that is not offered anymore.
AND HE IS PISSED THAT HE OWES ME CHILD SUPPORT!!!! He owes me a wopping $3,600 per year for BOTH kids in child support!!!!!! I tried to tell him that it is for his kids and he wasn't buying it. He said I am untilmately getting the money........
Then this morning he comes up to me and asks me if we are going to ever have sex again.
WTF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
UNTIL..............................................
We got to the money part. The back story to this is that we both agreed on 50/50 visitation meaning he gets the kids one week and I get them one week and we would split all expenses in half for the kids. I was ok with this. I have more in my 401k retirment plan then he did and in my state we split everything 50/50 so naturally I owed him money after we added most liabilities and assets and split the remainder. I was ok with this too.
In my state child support is an automatic calculation, even if we say we are splitting everything 50/50 we still have to complete the child support calculation to see if anything additional based on the incomes is due to either party. My husband makes more then me, not a whole lot more but enough. I honestly didn't think he would owe me anything or if he did it would be so close to a wash I wouldn't even fuss about it.
Well...... He actually owes me $350/month in child support, I was shocked. It would certainly help me but the funny thing is, he was ROYALLY PISSED!!!! He said during the mediation "whatever I guess, I mean this is not what we agreed to before we came here but whatever". The mediator tried to tell him that he makes more so naturally even taking into consideration us splitting everything in half he still makes more and it is about the kids. He then said to me "You are missing what she is saying, we have to put in writing that I owe you but we can still go based on what we agreed to before here". The mediator said, no, you really don't want to have a "hand shake" deal because someone could always come back later.
On top of this, he tried to screw me. He is a CPA, so he is the finance guy. I am not illiterate but I don't know numbers like he does, so I trusted his formulas in excel when he spreadsheeted EVERYTHING out. Because I owe him money, I am transferring it from my 401k to him because I don't have cash on hand to give him. He is going to pull cash out and he will owe taxes, I agreed to split the taxes with him for that (because I felt bad, not because I have to). Well, when the mediator tried to break everything out for the divorce settlement docs, it turned out he stuck me with the whole tax bill. He tried to justify it to the mediator that he was giving me credit for 1/2 his bonus that he is getting that I would be entitled to (which was less then 1/2 of the taxes). The mediator said "NO" she is entitled to that so you can't do that.
I am so mad right now....... I thought I was trying to be fair and thought he was too, but he is not. I didn't even take credit for 1/2 of his car that is paid off that I could have, I didn't take anything from the 2 businesses he has that he gets a little bit of extra cash out of every year, I agreed to keep him on my cell phone plan to help him save money because I get unlimited data that is not offered anymore.
AND HE IS PISSED THAT HE OWES ME CHILD SUPPORT!!!! He owes me a wopping $3,600 per year for BOTH kids in child support!!!!!! I tried to tell him that it is for his kids and he wasn't buying it. He said I am untilmately getting the money........
Then this morning he comes up to me and asks me if we are going to ever have sex again.
WTF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
WHAT?!?!?!?!?
Wow, one thing is for sure, abusers sure do prove themselves over and over. Really exposes what they are thinking even in those nice times.
I AM SO EXCITED YOU ARE LEAVING!!!!!!!!! To bad it's so difficult now, but it'll all be behind you soon! I know his attempts to cheat you hurt. But man, so glad it'll be distant soon.
This is the kind of stuff they always seem to do. Please try not to get to stresses out over it. It isn't worth it. Just be braced for more. I'm sorry, but now that you are warned, hopefully next time won't seem so bad now that you will be expecting it. Just take deep breaths and feel very lucky you are getting out as ooooo says.
((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))))))))))))
Also if you are splitting any stocks, make sure you don't get stuck w/all the stock. Stock should be split 50/50 and not traded out for cash because whoever gets all the stock will also get STUCK w/all the taxes when sold!!!!! That's regardless of who actually purchased the stock originally.
Thanks MTC!!!! =) Actually, we went to a mediator because I can't afford an attorney..... We are getting a QDRO, we will have to have an attorney complete the QRDO for us and submit it into the judge for approval. I am not even able to do the transfer without this.
It is just further clarification for me (thank you god) that he really does "love me", NOT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Just glad that hopefully no more then 30 days the divorce will be final and no more then 60 days he will be out of my house!
Oh, lets not forget how generous he has been to me by alloting $20k more to the house value then the appraisal came back at because "market value" is more like $35k more then the appraisal (which is true, but still). He is really look out for his kids!!!!!!!!! I LOVE IT!!!!!!!!!!!! Makes me want to puke!
If I have a bad day, please just remind me of all this because I am sure I will forget it even if I write it down.................
(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
He tried to cheat me, too, and actually did, but I ultimately got what I wanted, which is freedom.
It does get better. Hang in there!
When he moves out, it will be much better for you. When he asked if you two are ever having sex again, did you hand him a tissue and hand lotion and point him to the bathroom?
Then when he talk about me screwing him he tells me "Well you are the one who wanted this divorce, not me".
Just disgusts me!!!!
Thanks again everyone for the support!!!
Until he leaves he will probably do and say anything to try to get to you. But think that at least he isn't being dangerous like most abusers get when splitting up. He sounds more goofy/moron abusive than dangerous, that is a plus!
Doesn't this (along side the divorce and money side of things) really prove just how self centred he is!
All he's worried about is if he's gonna still get some!
What was that which he was accusing u of regarding I going sleeping with other men when he's gone?
In his mind he owns you! Yuk! He's a creep!
I just can't believe the cheek of them, they are all the same!
Relationship before last, I supported him because he never bothered to hold a job. So when we split up, he sued me for more money. This was a man who constantly harped on and on about how he was a champion of "fairness". So I asked him what was fair about him taking more money from me, what he thought he'd done to deserve it. He told me he deserved payment "for being in a relationship with you". He didn't like it when I told him that makes him a gigolo.
Last one, my ex stole, gambled and otherwise frittered away hundreds of thousands of dollars of mine. I lost my retirement savings and my home to the huge debts he left me with. And he still had the gall to send me a solicitor's letter threatening to take me to court for "his share" of what was left of my assets. Thankfully he never went further than that (I think he worked out he wouldn't win, and would end up having to pay child support, which he's never done and never will).
Everything is a game to these types - and it's a game they have to win. You want a divorce? Fine, but you'll have to pay for it.
Just keep on keeping on, you are doing great.
On the sex, he'll keep thinking he's "entitled" to that. He owns you, remember? It's all about them taking and then taking some more. They'll use you up until you're depleted and then demand for more. You can't win. And hopefully, yours doesn't turn out to be a complete loser like mine...because he still thinks he can get it. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. I'd rather give birth a thousand times than give him some ever again. So, shut him down and keep it moving.