Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
Ok, I need to get some feedback here, because I'm confused as heck.
My family loves Disney. We've taken nearly a dozen trips to one coast or the other - as a family, as a couple, and with extended family and friends. Our thought was always that we wanted to go as often as we could, so that when my daughter gets older, and is in the hospital more (she has CF, so it's going to happen) she'll have lots of good memories and photos to look back on.
Over the past few years, they've gone on several trips without me. Sometimes to visit her family in Oregon - where I refused to go. So they went without me. Once to Branson. I wasn't free to go, so again, they went without me.
Now I've moved out. We're separated. And my MIL has repeatedly stated that she would not mind if we got divorced. Heck, my Mom reminded me that in our wedding toast, her Dad commented that she really could have done better than me. So it's her Mom's 60th birthday. And she wants to take them all on a trip to Disneyland for a week. Without me.
My wife knows this is incredibly awkward, and painful for me. She's excited about going, but hasn't told the kids yet. I've shared that I love going to Disney as much as they do, that I love seeing my children there. That's where we had our honeymoon, took our first road trip to, and recently spent two weeks there for our 10th anniversary. My kids are 8 and now almost 3, and every ride I get my daughter to try out is a victory. She's terrified of them until she overcomes her anxiety, then she loves them. Last time, she even volunteered to ride splash mountain, although it scared the bejeezus out of her. I was so proud of her.
It really does feel like my needs come in last. Again. That if I'm not free to do something, her parents will step up and do it with her, excluding me. But I don't want to manipulate her into not going. I don't want to say 'If you do this, then I'll do this.' But this is feeling pretty momentous. It's... looming. Thoughts?
My family loves Disney. We've taken nearly a dozen trips to one coast or the other - as a family, as a couple, and with extended family and friends. Our thought was always that we wanted to go as often as we could, so that when my daughter gets older, and is in the hospital more (she has CF, so it's going to happen) she'll have lots of good memories and photos to look back on.
Over the past few years, they've gone on several trips without me. Sometimes to visit her family in Oregon - where I refused to go. So they went without me. Once to Branson. I wasn't free to go, so again, they went without me.
Now I've moved out. We're separated. And my MIL has repeatedly stated that she would not mind if we got divorced. Heck, my Mom reminded me that in our wedding toast, her Dad commented that she really could have done better than me. So it's her Mom's 60th birthday. And she wants to take them all on a trip to Disneyland for a week. Without me.
My wife knows this is incredibly awkward, and painful for me. She's excited about going, but hasn't told the kids yet. I've shared that I love going to Disney as much as they do, that I love seeing my children there. That's where we had our honeymoon, took our first road trip to, and recently spent two weeks there for our 10th anniversary. My kids are 8 and now almost 3, and every ride I get my daughter to try out is a victory. She's terrified of them until she overcomes her anxiety, then she loves them. Last time, she even volunteered to ride splash mountain, although it scared the bejeezus out of her. I was so proud of her.
It really does feel like my needs come in last. Again. That if I'm not free to do something, her parents will step up and do it with her, excluding me. But I don't want to manipulate her into not going. I don't want to say 'If you do this, then I'll do this.' But this is feeling pretty momentous. It's... looming. Thoughts?
Even if you could go along on this trip, wouldn't having your wife there all the time put a huge damper on your ability to enjoy it? I'm going to take a trip with my abusers later this year and I can't tell you how much I'm dreading it. But at the same time, if I were excluded from this trip, I must admit that I would feel hurt. Ugh.
Is there any way you could plan to take your children to Disneyland (or Disneyworld) next year? A trip where it would be just you and them, without your wife coming along? Next year isn't that far away.
You're a good father and your kids are lucky to have you.
Back to you: Again I'm sorry this is painful for you, but I do think it's not a good idea to take an extended trip with an abuser. JMHO.
I want what's best for the kdis ultimately, too, but at the same time... For so long, my wife's priority list has been The children > Her > Her parents > My nephews up the street > the pets > me. It's selfish of me, but I want to be higher up that list. At least equal to her.
I can totally understand wanting her to NOT put you last, for once. The ache and the longing, wanting to be VALUED for once. I want that with my family, too, but I know it's a vain hope. It's a fairy tale. Putting us last is what abusers DO.
Have you ever heard the fable about the scorpion and the frog?
A scorpion and a frog meet on the bank of a stream and the scorpion asks the frog to carry him across on its back. The frog asks, How do I know you wont sting me? The scorpion says, Because if I sting you, I will die too.
The frog is satisfied, and they set out. But in midstream, the scorpion stings the frog. The frog feels the onset of paralysis and starts to sink, knowing they both will drown, but has just enough time to gasp Why?
Replies the scorpion: I can't help it. Its my nature
No manners on their part. You are the father for heavens sake.
I know what it is to be left out. I get similar treatment from my children's father. It's as if I don't exist.
Luckily, the children..despite the subtle brainwashing, eventually come around, came around for me.
My trick when dealing with people such as your in laws was to always take the high road. E.g. Perhaps offer to pay for Disney yourself . Kill them with kindness, if you can bear it.
I was going to make the same suggestion as giggle. Maybe if you explained to her that you're being there is in the kids best interest, she might be more agreeable.
Sending you strength-filled hugs....
You may not find the joy in not being there but find the joy in knowing that your children will have another life experience that created fun memories for them! So long as the kids have a blast, which I'm sure they will, I'm sure they will love it then that's all that matters, although I know it sucks if you're not there and I'm sorry for that part for you !
I have long thought that your MIL has far too much say in what goes on between you and your wife and children. She should be mature enough to accept that you are the kids' father, and if she cannot then your wife should step up and insist from your corner that you be included.
Of course, this is assuming it's an ideal world :/
My husband would do this all the time. I always came last to anyone in his family, and quite often his friends too. He would never stand up to them unless they did something to monumentally piss him off. Which was not often, since he was so desperate to have their attention all the time.
Sounds like a similar deal here. I would go anyway and meet them. None of them can stop you, and why the hell shouldn't you spend time with your children??? You are in this family too, and you have every right to be equal with your wife.
Hope this helps xx
P.S. Her dad's comment in the wedding speech? Hallmark of a dysfunctional, if not outright narcissistic family.
Try this link for size:
http://www.daughtersofnarcissisticmothers.com/golden-child-scapegoat.html
I reckon your MIL could be a narcissistic mother, if your FIL is not also a narc father. Your wife has hints of being their 'golden child', from what you have written.
I've thought about it. I think I will look into how feasible it would be for me to go. I mean, a trip halfway across the country for a week in a month's time isn't exactly a simple thing to pull out of my hat.
Hmm. A trip to DL, with no kids unless I seek them out, my own hotel room, a hot tub, and a stick in Mommy Dearests' eye... I'm liking this more and more!
I'm just a little... not sensitive, more amused at how many resources are so gender-specific. It really blunts the impact when you're having to make the mental switches - especially when they go into describing abusive behavior with 'and then he does...' Doesn't blend well with the crazymaking or theself blame, you know? I've actually asked my resource center to make more of an effort to include not just gender-neutral language, but actual gender-swapped examples, as well. I imagine it may be confusing as a woman to encounter nothing but the 'Men do this' stereotype, and I think I'd be hard pressed not to grow afraid of all men, if the damage were deep enough. They're trying, but simply switching out 'she' for 'he' isn't quite the same - there's quite a different set of tactics preffered by female abusers, I'm learning. Motivation and effects are still the same, sadly.
Rant over :) Thanks again!
I'll just echo what ooooo said: You can't go wrong focusing on what's best for the children.