Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
"Do you even want to try and fix things, because I do. I want to make this work"
My husband's asked me that a few times over the last few weeks and I joke when I say this, but I'm like a bobble head and say yes I do, but im exhausted and feel drained. Even tho on the inside I'm looking at him thinking, no. Not anymore.
My husband's asked me that a few times over the last few weeks and I joke when I say this, but I'm like a bobble head and say yes I do, but im exhausted and feel drained. Even tho on the inside I'm looking at him thinking, no. Not anymore.
I tell her I love her, which I do. But the romantic type love has faded, and continues to fade. I told her last night that I am not scared of her, but in fact I am a little scared of her. And I say I want to work on things, and that nothing has changed about the potential future. But that is a half truth. Sure, nothing has changed about future plans - but there is a condition in my mind that needs to be met first. A condition that says she must recognize her behavior is hurtful to me, and take steps to admit that and change her behavior. And with the hospitalization, and the counseling, and the medication, and still little change, my gut tells me things won't change. And therefore I am being untruthful when I still tell her that I may still want to have children with her some day. And I feel bad about that. The stark reality is that I would never have children with someone who is so out of control with her emotional responses, and I think it is almost certain she will never be able to control herself.
Sure, I am willing to work on thing and make things better, but there are a few boundaries I will no longer let her cross. Screaming at me for any reason is a deal breaker.
I feel like a liar, too, just so I can avoid getting emotionally beat up. He says he loves me, and I tell him I love him, too, but azkev, like you said, it's not the romantic type anymore. It's been fading ever since he started berating me for how I feel.
As for the cheating thing, it's just a sign your relationship is not fulfilling you in a big way, and that there needs to be a change. It sounds like you've tried to talk and work on what's missing, but abusers will never change... I mean, maybe surface things, like you've said, but in my experience it's only in an effort to keep you around.
I find myself going behind his back a lot for little things he would probably not like me doing, like having friends, going to counseling, or having lunch with my mom. And I've tried talking to him rationally about it, but he turns into a relentless monster every time. It's impossible.
Whatever you're doing, it's for the sake of your own survival and happiness, which, in my mind, are most important.
And in relation to what the others have said, it's true, I feel no more romantic love, and yet when he says he loves me, I find myself saying it back to him. And now he's questioning if I even mean it. And I lie and say yes. But I mean it in the sense that Ive known him for 22 yrs - I love him, but I'm not in love with him (I hate that cliche but it describes my feelings). Sadly, I don't like him as a person. If I met him today, I would not date him.
Did you ask him how he's trying or what he's doing differently than in the past, to make a difference?
See, I now have asked my H that at least 5 times in the last week everytime he makes a plea to give him another chance.
He finally did start reading books I got - he started Men are from Mar, Women are from Venus and he hates to read. So I appreciate that. He did finally agree to IC, which he said he never would go to. He would say, if I feel i need it, then I should go.
I kept trying to explain how our problems are caused by behaviors, how he reacts to things, which in turn has made me respond different - like keeping my opinions to myself in order to avoid an argument, listening to what he says about my friends and family and little by little seeing them less and less, guilting me into spending time with him and choosing him over family and friends, etc.
We are doing a semi in-house separation, because he is scared to actually leave the house and thinks that it would be the end for us. He told me he feels like everytime he comes home after work, he wonders if I will serve him with papers. We eat meals together and do things on the weekends as a family and try and maintain normalcy for our little ones (8 and 2) but after they go to bed, he goes downstairs and - gives me my space.
One day at a time. Ive got my first IC session this wednesday. I cant wait.
Hugs,
Keep your boundaries and stand up for yourself! you can do this
Nuff of that. I also wanted to address the "affair" issue. I'm one of those who was cheated on - in all 3 of my serious relationships. And it sucks, royally. And I won't condone cheating. But there is also a HUGE difference between thinking we were fine, not having any issues raised or apparent problems, then finding out they were cheating - and someone who tries repeatedly to establish a connection which is denied and stonewalled at every opportunity. If any of my partners had repeatedly come to me saying how they felt dismissed, unloved, whatever and I just ignored them ... well I still wouldn't say that I "deserved" to have them cheat on me, but it would be a very different situation to being constantly assured all is good and fine, and then finding out about the cheating.
I understand the need for an emotional connection when it's being denied you in your marriage. It's a VERY different circumstance to when the abuser uses cheating as just another form of abuse or selfishness.
Also, I don't know if you want to hear this, but I see a massive red flag with the affair guy too, if he won't let you go and tramples all over your boundaries when you try to end it. Be careful it's not a "frying pan/fire" situation.
Yes she does. I screened the therapists and searched for those specializing in abusive relationships. We talked briefly on the phone and she said things Ive read here - re: to how MC doesn't really help with these issues, how he will need to realize and do work, talked about the cycles it goes thru. I felt comfortable w her and am looking forward to talking w her.