Amen sister! Me too! I dont think I could express it any better

I know what you mean!
We probably all tried to fix it 2042589282 x to no avail, no participation on the partners part.... and now the partner finally wants to fix it--- but we are so exhausted and pushed down that it is toooo hard to fix---- or maybe not possible to fix.

Yes!!! Especially right before I left. I lied my butt off.

Yes. All that abuse, and somehow he thought HE had the right to imply to ME that I wasn't as fixed on making it work as he was. Some nerve he had...

But yes, I lied too. The feelings just weren't there any more. And what is more, I didn't have the desire to co-operate with him on ANYTHING. But I kept it well hidden... xx

I am like that also. I have found myself lieing because he says he wants to come home . I know I don't want this but wish it was possible. Nothing will change so what it the point. I'm worn down and mentally worn out. They got way of twisting things to look the injured party and make us look like we are the ones at fault.

Yes! My husband caught me planning to leave 2 months ago. Since then we've had many conversations about what's going on. Depending on my emotional strength of the moment, I either tell him the truth or just say that I have always tried to make our marriage work. Mostly I've been telling him that I don't want to make an impulsive decision about a huge change.

I see him trying to convince me to stay and using guilt ("don't you think our family is WORTH it?", etc) as him minimizing what he's done and, of course, setting it up in his own mind as my fault if and when it does end. I now understand this is just further evidence that he has NOT really changed.

I love this site and the similarity of every abuser's tactics is AMAZING. It's so validating and makes it so much easier to identify the abuse and know it's not just us in our own situation.

One more thing my husband says along those lines is "I think one day we'll look back on this and think about what a hard time it was for both of us, and feel so glad we gave it another chance and made it work".

And I feel exactly like you do, notmyself, in that I am emotionally exhausted and drained every day.

Daydreamer, mine said that (in your second post) in retrospect, after the first time I tried to leave...ugh.

"Isn't it great that we gave it another shot?" Oh yeah. Not.

It really does amaze and validate me too that on here they all sound so similar! :) xx

I tried for so many damn years. I tried to talk to him to no avail. I was miserable and unhappy for a very long time and he didn't care. Only when it was time to leave was any 'action' taken. I was by then long since finished. At the end, I did have to tell him that I was done trying and he should leave. Only because I had to stay in our house, I had no place to go. If I had had some other place to go to, I probably would have lied to keep the peace, too. But who cares, really? He turned the whole 'marriage' into a big fat lie and I was always trying to be good and honest. Compared with that, what are a couple of false words at the end to keep the peace, to brush off the questions?

I'm a mix of emotions today. I'm sad because he's sad. Caught him tearing up this morning. He was upset last night I didn't make a big enough deal and recognize his efforts at the candy he brought me. Our little one was calling him this morning (she's 2) and I heard him in the other room say, yes that's right I'm your daddy and ill always be your daddy ( he was crying).

He kept following me around asking what I want him to do. Do I just want to say hi and bye and nothing else? Do I not want him to try?

I'm sad because his questions and sad reactions just confirm he does not get it. He does not get its his actions and behaviors that are working to destroy us. He still thinks its "something". A thing he's not doing or saying.

I am desperate to get an IC today. I'm looking thru insurance and gonna make some calls. He asked if I wanna go back to our MC. But I know we're beyond that.

I can totally relate the what you all are saying, the guilt trips being tossed on us. It's like NOW he sees a problem. Why? Because I'm not blindly and defeatedly accepting his apology and "putting this rough patch in our marriage" (his words) behind us?

mine even used our pastor who put the "I am concerned about ur salvation" bit. I of course folded like a limp noodle and put my rings back on and moved my sorry butt back into the bedroom although i am not having sex with him! he has already had the pastor talk tome about that too. Why do I even CARE what he thinks anymore?? Now he is doing his best to be the good guy and i just dont even wanna be here.
Stay strong, Not. You know what is best for you.

This is so hard for me to talk about, but I wanted to ask you all a question - I feel very guilty and mentioned this from the very start in my first post, but I cheated recently. I never had before throughout my entire marriage, or ever in my life. I felt very guilty and remorseful for breaking my vows and for the person I became and the choices I made. He was a friend who we started commiserating and after a few months, the emotional affair turned physical. We talked about being together someday and having a happy future. I ended it a dozen times and after he relentlessly kept contacting me, I would eventually cave and reply and we'd start talking again. I sometimes feel out of place here and sometime reluctant to post, because I see many cases where the abusive partner is a cheater. And in my case, I cheated and he didn't.

It makes me second guess myself and feel the need to try and give him another chance because I screwed up.

Any advice? Should I post a new thread? I sometimes look at what I did and feel horrible for justifying it because of how miserable I was. Even tho I tried talking to my husband numerous times about the deterioration of our marriage and how unhappy I was, nothing worked. But I know what I did was wrong and I own my behaviors.

I apologize if I hurt or offend you because you've had to deal with cheating and lying, but on the receiving end of it.

I did that as well. 7 years ago actually. I needed to be loved for me. He made me feel safe and sane. I was medicated for mood swings shortly after and my spouse and I went to counseling. Things got better for about 6 months. the guilt ate at me until i realized that I was searching for something that should have been present in my marriage and i kept tryin hoping to find it there and still havent. I have also let him use that guilt against me. My spouse still on occasion throws up how he doesnt fully trust me.
If things were that bad in the first place..... do you honestly think they are better?
I think it is a very rare marriage that can survive an affair because the root cause usually gets ignored. Dont live miserably because of the guilt. "making up for it" will never be reached and you will only drive yourself crazy in the process.

Do whats best for YOU. let him take care of himself.

Thank you Giggle - I appreciate you sharing that with me. The guilt does make it hard for me to separate those feelings with the issues in our marriage. We still talk because we get along so well. I know I need to stop because if husband found out it would discredit everything Ive been trying to get across to him.

Thats the thing - I wonder if we can survive because I had become so checked out because I never could get through to him. Now he's trying - but it's fluff things - not the root of behavioral things - which I cant seem to get that point across to him.

Thank you again for your understanding.

I did exactly the same thing, myself. I marvel now that I made that choice, and yet part of me yearns to do it again. Just to feel a positive connection.

The guilt is difficult to handle, and makes it hard to leave. She constantly brings it up as to why she can't trust me at all, and says that she would never do the same thing to me (duh - she's completely asexual) I just keep reminding myself that I was pushed to a point where I needed it so badly that I compromised my own values in order to meet them. That was wrong of me, and now I know that such a point exists, and I can be aware of it for next time.

It does make it really hard to try tand connect to people, though. Part of my brain is constantly running, thinking "Well, I don't want to become a burden on anyone's marriage, and what if an emotional attachment forms? I've always gotten along better with girls than guys, but that means that I'm looking for unattached girls. I really have given up on my marriage, but I haven't. Not yet. But then - is this a get together for support, or a date?' Confusion. You know?