Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
Have you ever been so confused that you wonder if the comments that your partner makes that cut you to the core are actually acceptable? Even though you know you wouldn't accept them from someone else? It appears that he thinks nothing of making negative personal assessments and comments about me, as if somehow it is ok or even helpful. Am I going mad? Would a person who has not been wounded actually punch him in the face for making the same comment? Am I so acclimatised to abuse that I think I deserve it? For example, our daughter has just moved interstate to go to uni and she phoned home, stressing about how hard everything was. Afterwards, I observed to my husband how stressed she was and he replied 'yes, you have taught her well'. I pointed out how hurtful that comment was and he didn't apologise and made excuses for his behaviour. Whenever I help him with whatever project he is doing around the house, he constantly critiques me, points out how I am doing things wrong, ridicules me or blames me when things go wrong. I feel humiliated and belittled around him. It feels like I live with a sniper, I never know when I am going to get a verbal bullet. Then he tells me that feels hurt and rejected when I don't join in and take an interest in what he is doing..that I don't care about him. Does this sort of behaviour constitute verbal abuse or is it a normal part of a relationship and something that I should be able to ignore or live with? How should I draw the line with him with regards to making negative personal comments?
moment to write everything
I'd like to say, and will try to
return later with more.
What you've described
is horrendous.
It's not "just" verbal abuse
but total verbal/emotional
and psychological abuse.
I urge you with the
strongest recommendation
I can to find a women's center
near you and set up to talk
with a counselor.
Before I go, look up
narcissistic personality disorder.
Complaining that he's
the one who's hurt,
after doing what he
does to you is an
indicator that that
may be part of
his problem.
Finally, have you been
with him over twenty
years? Have you ever
reached out for help
from anyone, locally
or on-line before?
I'll come back with
more, later.
Had you shared nothing
after this, I'd have written
exactly the same thing as
I did, above. But then you
went on to say:
he constantly critiques me, points out how I am doing things wrong, ridicules me or blames me when things go wrong. I feel humiliated and belittled around him. It feels like I live with a sniper, I never know when I am going to get a verbal bullet.
I'm sorry, Hon.
You are living with
a sniper.
There is nothing normal
about what you've
described. You've
very succinctly painted
the picture of a horribly
abusive marriage.
You end by asking:
How should I draw the line with him with regards to making negative personal comments?
I'm afraid I have bad
news for you.
There's no functional
way to "draw the line"
in abuse.
Before you do anything,
however, I urge you, as
I did above, to find a
women's center with
a counselor or to find
a counselor on your
own, whose specialty
is surviving and recovering
from abuse.
It's unlikely that you'd
be able to recover from
feeling belittled and
humiliated as long as
you live with him. If
you were living in a
house with dangerous
toxic fumes, you
couldn't expect not
to feel sick, as long
as you continued
to inhale the toxicity.
No one can tell
anyone else what
to do. Just please
know that there's
no way to live under
the roof of abuse
and not be abused.
Abusers don't respect
"lines" or boundaries
or anyone around them.
That's why there's no
way to make him
behave differently
towards you. In all
likelihood, even if he
hasn't directly abused
your daughter, chances
our she's absorbed the
ambient abuse and
carries that around
with her, contributing
to her challenges,
out in the world.
By the way, universities
often have counseling
services for students,
included in the tuition.
I'd suggest to her that
she visit that office and
use the services provided.
And most importantly
of all, don't attempt to
tell him that he's being
abusive. If he's never
been physically abusive
to you before now, that
could be all it takes. The
best that you could expect
is to be abused far, far
worse than anything
you've experienced
to this point.
Please take good
care of yourself.
Sending you hugs
and wishes for
strength and
better days ahead.