no, my child wasnt exposed much at all to the abuse, and what exposure he did have has only left him feeling protective of me...

however, I have dealt with a lot of my guilt (and shame).

I seem to have quite a solidly formed conscience (that is, I find it hard to let myself off the hook for what I know was my fault). Therapy didnt help, reading spiritual books and praying, asking for forgiveness didnt help, I think because my conscience really is demanding some kind of restitution.

I dont know if this will help you, but I'll share the two things that seem to be helping me.

In order to make amends to myself for how I let ME down, how I didnt protect myself sooner, I need to hold myself to a stringent process of keeping myself protected NOW, and to be very careful and discerning about the people I let near me, to keep my boundaries crisp, and to not be talked into, guilted into, shamed into changing anything about me I dont want to change. Its as though *I* need to see *ME* be trustworthy and exercising good judgment over a long enough time that I prove to *MYSELF* I CAN be trusted to not screw things up so royally a 2nd time.

The guilt I feel about how my choices, or lack of them ended up with innocent people being hurt -- is that I have decided to do volunteer work for Victim Services with the police department. I've got a date for my first meeting/interview in the New Year, and even though I havent started that in any practical sense, just that I made the call, and made the date and committed myself to doing it, has already lifted some of the guilt off, and that I'm proactively starting the "pay it back", or the "pay it forward" process.

I didnt help those innocent people before, but I can help innocent people now.


At any rate, I wanted to let you know, I'm on a first name basis with my guilty conscience...you arent alone.

great good wishes ((hugs))

My stepson was exposed to quite a lot of verbal explosions from his parents while they were together and at least two physical altercations between them while they were splitting up. My husband was holding him both times when she attacked and bit him. At least thats Husbands side of the story. I saw the bite marks and have witnessed for myself his mother behaving violently angry. Not so much his dad.
Anyhow, He has had some extreme anxiety issues over the years. He was seeing a psyciatrist by the age of 3 and last saw one at 8. It has been a long hard road with him.
I suspect that we will never truly get a handle on it unless we get full custody of him and give him a stable, reliable, predictable, home environment.

I feel for anyone dealing with a child who has anxiety problems. There are so many obstacles. So many shouldn'ts and don'ts and not enough hard line rules to dealing with them.
I guess what is important is that she feels safe. Do your best to make her life predictable. Just like toddlers really need sameness and order and rules, I think older kids need those things too when they are dealing with anxiety.
Find a safe way for her to be able to express herself. Teach her to write her feelings out when she is stressed and promise her she will not be scrutinized or punished, even when her feelings are negative, even when it's something that seems horrible to you.


Hang in there...

I totally agree with Twirl here and think that this will help tremendously:

Find a safe way for her to be able to express herself. Teach her to write her feelings out when she is stressed and promise her she will not be scrutinized or punished, even when her feelings are negative, even when it's something that seems horrible to you.

Good luck to you.

If my daughter was exposed to much of the abuse it was only because she woke up during the night and hear us fighting. He didnt abuse me when they were awake until the very end but I still feel so bad because she is dealing with all this anxiety. She is tired all the time and doing really bad in school. now I cant get her into the doctor until the beginning of the year to talk to her about meds to help her and I dont know when her talk therapy is going to start. Do you guys think time heals all with this kind of pain?

no

Yes time definitely does heal.....I know that I have healed hugely from abuse...I was abused in my family of origin, and in my 12yr marriage....Alongside good counselling..and the support of this forum...

Also getting things straight about how it wasn't your fault..or hers, that you were both subjected to this experience...Goes a long way to help..

Your love for her will also help her recover in time...and your great and loving and supportive determination to help her....

She is safe now..and has you...I am sure that with all that and help, that shes going to be just fine in time...Hugs!

I think time heals when your muture enough to make some sense out of what has happened. Understand (poor word i know) the situation. But young children do not understand, they are impressionable and learn by example...I do not know how old your daughter is but clearly if she is having this kind of trouble she is NOT handling. She is too young, unequipt with the right info to process what has gone on. Maybe a shelter would talk to her? a councillor? I am not all about the meds approach. Most times i feel it just stops you from dealing with things...(my own opinion)
Depending on her age maybe some age appropriate reading on this stuff would help her understand.

Life Happens and you are doing the best you can. No one can totally protect children from life. Your daughter might benefit from talking to a counselor for children (if you don't already do that), Also I agree about keeping her life predictable; routine, routine, routine. Children need boundaries and rules. If she is old enough to have a diary where she can safely express her feelings that is a good thing and I benefitted from having a pet dog in my chaotic childhood, but probably any kind of pet that she can love and nurture would help. It is a difficult thing, but please don't blame yourself. You can't change the past but you can make a difference now. Best Wishes.