Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
Hrllo. This is the first time I'm posting in this group. I am in the divorce group but have a question. My 15 yr old daughter is dating a 14 yr old who has some serious Control issues I believe snd my almost ex wife believes. We have witnessed him yelling at her on the phone and sending random one letter texts in the hundreds within minutes to get her attention. This is called spamming aparently. he is in therapy for depression and home life issues. But the latest problem is last week he contacted her through text telling her his mom was being so nasty to him telling him to leave and never come back. He was telling g my daughter he's going to kill himself. She was extreemly upset and asked my ex wife what to do. She emidiatly told me about this and we discussed calling child services but my daughter started getting extreemly angry at us for considering such an action. She was being told by this boy that she needs to come pick him up and get him out of his house.or he will kill himself. He has had a history of wanting to do this before. And always gets my daughter upset. But this time we are seriously getting scared that there is abuse . At least mental at his house to him. Which is resonating to my daughter. He has in the past caused problems with her friends not wanting her to hang out with them. She has shut down emotionally due to him and mine and my wife's impending divorce. We both see it. She always wants to see him he's constantly texting her. And when she dosent answer he " spams" her phone til she answers. While this occurrence was happening and we were talking to our daughter abiut that he needs help if he wants to kill himself her phone which was in out hands at the time was freakishly buzzing out of control. He sent over 176 text messages within 5 minutes trying to get her to respond while we were talking to her. He finally called and I answered the phone . Told him if he's in fear of his life we will call someone to help. His responce was he was better and all is ok now. And didn't understand why he coundlt talk to my daugher. We are at a loss of what to do. Do we report his mother and father to child services because of the aparent abuse ? Do we call them because of him possibly doing this to my daughter for attention? Call the cops? I told my daughter not to delete the messages because I wanted to take pictures of this for proof but she deleted them. So I have no physical proof that this happened besides two kids
His behavior does sound like abuse and he is putting a lot of pressure on you daughter.
What I would do in this situation is to instruct your daughter how to be assertive with him.
Maybe she can tell him that she cannot help him or be around him if he threatnes with suicide. She is young like him and cannot save him from his situation, but she can help him report it and she clearly cares for him.
Maybe contacting the school counselor can be effective as well.
Please do NOT instruct your daughter to be assertive to an abuser! That is DANGEROUS.
What she needs to do is go TOTAL NO CONTACT.
I would also take her phone away NOW and take all of the texts, etc. and show them to the police and child services.
Please find a QUALIFIED therapist who specializes and has additional training in recovery from abuse for your daughter. It may not seem that big of a deal, but it is. Abuse seriously affects us mentally, emotionally, physically & spiritually.
Again, your daughter needs to go NO CONTACT and NOT try to be assertive with him. Being assertive w/an abuser will only serve to invite him to escalate.
~healing hugs~
PS, you might also want to contact your local women's shelter and ask about services available for teens.
You have not mentioned the other parents. If the two kids are "dating," have you met them yet?
All parents need to meet and acknowledge that this is happening.
I'd arrange a meeting with the boy and his parents, you, your daughter and your STBX. Everybody needs to be on the same page.
Also, you have to remember that a 15 year old girl is NOT mature enough to be running the show. You as the adults need to set boundaries and maintain them.
As I said, I'd have everybody all sit down, tell them what you know.
There's always the option of... gasp... taking away the phone due to this anxiety-producing drama.
This boy is NOT your battle; your daughter is. And if this boy is stressing out your daughter, then I'd suggest curtailing this relationship and make sure your STBX is on the same page.
Before this meeting takes place, I think any other calls to authorities are premature... unless he's saying he's going to kill himself. THEN, 911 should be called with his address.
I would add that you should educate yourself about abuse so that you can have a talk with your daughter to help her understand that what she has been experiencing is emotional and verbal abuse.
If I were the parent in this situation, I would also seek out a qualified therapist to help my daughter figure out why she is willing to put up with this behavior. Even if she does eventually leave this relationship (or you prevent it from continuing), the pattern started here suggests that unless she gets help she will find herself in a similar relationship again soon. From personal experience, and from many stories I have heard from others, people who get into abusive relationships tend to get into them over and over again until we get help. She needs help learning what a healthy relationship looks like and having the self-esteem to believe she deserves it.
The teenager you describes sounds like he could harm others as well as himself. One of the signs of being dangerous to another person is threatening suicide. I realize that you don't want your daughter to be angry with you, and that due to your divorce you may feel guilty and not want to cause her more pain, but this is a time to step up and think of the big picture. Try to imagine what you would do if you were an EMT or first responder hearing your daughter's story.
His behavior of making it your daughter's responsibility to save him and his out of control texting are major warning signs of his mental instability.
Do not let your daughter or her mother enable this dysfunctional behavior of the boy. It's obsessive and very dangerous and indicative of him and his surroundings being out of control.
Again, I echo contacting his parents and tell them that for all these behaviors, you are going to cut off her cell phone and report this to the school- both the principal and guidance. These are MAJOR red flags and need to be reported... but not to CPS.
If your daughter freaks out at your decision, I'd get HER into therapy, too. As her behaviors are concerning as well. She's likely trying to "fix" him because she wants to fix something and she feels guilty that she couldn't fix your marriage. Is she in therapy for the impending divorce? I bet she's getting sucked into the boy drama to take her mind off her own pain...
We have met his parents and to say it's a disfunction family is an understatement. From what I know the mother was in a horrible physically abusive marriage to this boys father. Now has a step dad that goes along with his mother's verbal abuse to this boy. My daugher has heard this and so has my wife. I cannot stand the mother due to bashing me and my wife online a while back because she accused us of not caring about her son while we tried to keep our daughter away from him on a similar incident months ago. I can't tell you how screwed up my fsmy is right now because of my marriage . How my daughter refuses to talk to anyone about her feelings towards out our marriage and family and then the boyfriends fsmily dynamic. So much is going in all at once it's really hard to concentrate. By the way how she is to pick him up is to guilt one of us to go get him. My daughter has mastered the art of playing me and her mom against one another very well. So uses I physically speak to my ex I never know what is true or not from my daughter lately. They have both been talked to by me about the severity of these recent actions and an ultimatum has been set from me to him about this involving my daughter agsin. I really hope he talks to his therapist about this. As for my daughter... we need to find a way for her to wake up to this situstion by either him pulling this stuff again. And this time making sure my daughter does not delete those messages ..finding a new therapist for her or we have discussed taking her to a women in crisis center but that seems to be a last resort and seems extreem right now. Only my opinion. Tony our lives are a horrible mess with everything going on is an understatement. I'm trying to take care of me while being stonewall'd in a marriage with 3 kids all needing their own special attention while I go thru this and having to be level headed to take care of my daugher is very overwhelming. Ths k you all for your opinions . They have all been taken seriously
I'd also make sure IF the boy is to go over to your STBX's, that they are supervised AT ALL TIMES.
You daughter is in pain... she'll drown her pain with other things and you could wind up being a grandpop...
Why would you want to wait to do something until the situation is extreme??? And guess what... they ARE extreme.
I think your tolerance for dysfunctional things that are NOT normal is a little off. This is NOT right.
I think your best recourse as a father not currently in the house is to go into her school and sit down with the principal and her guidance counselor and tell them everything. If it's that bad, THEY will call CPS.
You said you tried to keep them away before... so you knew back THEN this situation was out of control... and guess who won???
You MUST terminate this. I'm going to sound like Dr. Phil right now, but do NOT parent out of guilt due to the impending divorce. Be the hero. Do the thing that NEEDS to be done, even if the 15 year old appears to be upset. And who cares if you get trashed by a woman on FB for protecting your daughter??? Look at her own kid, so consider the source. SHE has major issues in picking men... Guess what? So does your daughter.
Be the only sane one in this mix. PLEASE call the school.
I am saying all of this as a 16 year teacher of middle and high school. USE THEM to help fix this. There are TONS of resources and they will make this turn around.
Thanks for the update. I'm hoping to read something as soon as your school resumes session. BTW- I'm from Allentown. : )
Your daughter isn't equipped to handle the abuse. The brain doesn't finish maturing until around age 25. She is still a child and is NOT equipped to handle the abuse/abuser you described both in your OP & in reply #8. There is much evidence that abuse affects how the brain works in a negative way. Even just witnessing abuse causes children & adults' hippocampus to shrink as much as 20%. That means they cannot see all of the options available to them and therefore, tend to stay in abusive relationships. Abuse victims self-esteem and sense of self ends up at an all time low. They live in an 'abuse fog' and cannot see clearly.
It is up to you to protect your daughter. (That may sound dramatic, but it's the truth.) Teen abuse runs rampant. You are putting your daughter in danger mentally, physically, sexually, emotionally & spiritually by letting her continue to see him.
Plus, if you give her any time at all, I guarantee she will figure out how to make it. That's what teenagers, even the best of them, do. Especially because this boy is so manipulative, he will get her to figure out a way. Abusers ALWAYS escalate.
There's a reason you came to this group. Deep down on some level you KNOW this boy is abusive.
Since he comes from an abusive family, he has learned how to be abusive. And he is and WILL CONTINUE to take his frustrations and abuse our on your daughter. IT'S THE ONLY WAY HE KNOWS HOW TO BE.
He will continue to threaten suicide and other more subtle manipulations. He is wounded and crying for attention. And I am truly very sad for him. But there is NOTHING you can do for him other than to keep your daughter (as his 'source/target') 100% AWAY from him.
Lessening the amount of time they have together will NOT lessen the abuse. The trauma caused by abuse, "even just" mental & verbal abuse, is way worse than the trauma of her not seeing him at all.
Allowing your daughter ANY contact with him is enabling and perpetuating the cycle of abuse. Your description of his family ONLY cements in my original suggestions because
CHILDREN LEARN WHAT THEY LIVE AND LIVE WHAT THEY LEARN. (It's ALL he knows - it's the ONLY way he knows how to behave.)
AND this has already escalated into her MANIPULATING YOU INTO UNHEALTHY BEHAVIOR by getting you to go pick him up.
You are the adult. You are her parent. Sometimes we adults and parents must choose to do something that may seem harsh to the child in order to save the child.
I'm sure you don't intend this, but by allowing her to continue to have contact w/this boy, you are teaching her THAT IS ACCEPTABLE TO ABUSE AND BE ABUSED.
Instead of viewing going TOTAL NO CONTACT as harsh, why not view it as PROTECTING YOUR DAUGHTER'S LIFE? Because that's what you will be doing.
If you aren't going to take the word of those of us who have lived and/or are living thru this and are taking the time to reply here, then at least do your own research and educate yourself before you continue to allow her any contact w/this boy.
IMHO, it's also critical that you share all of what you've shared here w/her therapist.
For your daughter's mental, emotional, physical, sexual & spiritual well-being, PLEASE reconsider your decision.
~healing hugs~
The 1st sentence of paragraph 4 should read:
Plus, if you give her any time at all, I guarantee she will figure out how to make it more.
with her guidance counselor.
Also, please contact:
Pennsylvania Department of Human Services
(717) 787-1870
Situations like this are
their job. Call them as
soon as you can get
through.
You asked:
Do we report his mother and father to child services because of the aparent abuse ?
Yes. And also the danger
to your daughter.
I'm sorry the women's center
won't at least speak with her
because, frankly, that's THEIR
job,
The people in this scenario
are both CHILDREN.
Someone needs to step up
here and keep them safe.
Please call your state's
human services.