How did I not have a breakdown? Well, to a large extent I did, but really I just had to get through each day because I had an infant son who needed me.

As for the visitation stuff - be as sneaky, underhand and outright manipulative as you need to be. He's never going to play fair, and your son is way too important to let go of just so you can claim the high moral ground. I don't mean do anything genuinely dishonest or that really goes deeply against your moral code, but nudge the line of that moral code if you need to. In my case, I bent over backwards for him at first (two exceptions - he was not allowed near my son unsupervised, and he was not allowed at my home). But with those two exceptions I gave him enough rope to hang himself, and hang himself he regularly did. The fact that he couldn't bring food or drink or diapers or anything else to visitation (even after being told it was his responsibility to supply those things at visitation) supported my case that he shouldn't be allowed unsupervised. His actions towards me on visitation were eventually enough to ensure that I no longer was the appropriate person to do the supervision, which took away the last element of control of me that he got through visitation. So he stopped bothering with visitation.

I tell ya tho, spending all that time with him supervising was one of the hardest things I've ever done in my life. Wanting to kill him, hating him, wishing he would just hold me the way he used to, wishing there wasn't all this STUFF between us now, wishing he'd die, feeling terrified of him, wishing I could believe his new promises, having to FORCE myself not to believe his new promises no matter how good they sounded ... argh it was a freakin nightmare. But it was worth it. We are safe now.

I wish I could offer you words of wisdom but my outbox is empty and my in box is spilling over on the floor.

FWIW one thing I did learn today was to remember that an abuse comes at you offensively...not defensively. We think it's defensive bc that's what he wants us to believe and so we spend time defending ourselves or succumbing to his expressed wounds or his memory lapses. When we realize it's offensive (truly fitting) behavior then we don't get as manipulated. Came across this authors youtube steam today...there's some good stuff in there. Hope it offers you some encouragement or at least some football pads.
http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=uBfvbWRDZN4&desktop_uri=%2Fwatch%3Fv%3DuBfvbWRDZN4
We're with you!!

livn you are amazing and i demand you tell me when they are making a lifetime movie about you. truly. i hope you fall asleep every night to the "rocky" theme song playing in your head.

and andrea, how can something be "weird" and "hippie" at the same time? "hippie" and "awesome" maybe, but not "weird." i think i agree with your therapist about anger (a small piece of it anyway) forgetting it too easily is what keeps these abusers in business. it is really inspiring to hear from strong women who got an ass-kicking and kicked right back. thank you.

and godismyhonor i think you are right on! i am (happily) not burdened with feeling sorry for my ex or anything like that because i see everything he says as a knife coming straight for me, even though to other people it seems like i am giving him too much credit. people think you have to be smart to be an abuser, and the stupid ones (most of them) are not too stupid to hide behind that. but anything you put 100% of your focus and energy on is going to be successful. these idiots use it for abusing people. not smart, just shitty.

thank you so much for your comments and insight, honestly it's better than most therapy i have ever received.

I'm no more amazing than all of us here. I was told today that I am clearly "quite resourceful". I just said "well, sometimes you have to be". We all of us have had to be amazing and resourceful just to survive. And because we all are, and because we are all working towards it, the only other difference between surviving and thriving is time.

the only other difference between surviving and thriving is time.

i'm going to tattoo that on the inside of my eyelids so i can stare at it all the time.

"the only other difference between surviving and thriving is time"
Wow. Love it.
You are all simply amazing.

Thank you so much for appreciating my words. I just want to clarify though - do NOT forget the word "other". Time alone won't do this. We have to do the work - I do believe that everyone here is doing the work, or we wouldn't be here. Just ... time is not enough. Time WITH the work we do, is.

I do agree with all the other advice posts...You definitely should keep some of the anger for a healthy reminder of why you are deciding your future. You are a very intelligent woman. Your posts and advice are undeniably helpful. I know it is very hard to apply that advice to yourself...you are living your own horror! You are entitled to feel angry and frustrated, look at your f-in situation.
But if I may say, your anger can be extremely useful and I am sure you already know the answer...very damaging.
I personally don't know how you are so strong to even live this situation you are in right now. Financial security with a child is sooo f-in difficult. My children were 1 and 3 when the abuse started. I was already working three jobs to pay rent and daycare...My original ex was a fucking bastard as well. My now husband knew what I as going through...and thats how he squirmed his way in. So, I understand the financial issue very well. I stayed because he promised me the world and was so generous and so kind and loving to my babies. 20 years later and enduring my own hell, I look back and say, ok I loved him, he was financially supportive, I owed him all of myself for that,or so I thought. If I could do it all again. I would have followed my gut and got the fuck out.
While you are still where you are now, be wise, use that miserable anger to get all your papers in order. Organize your finances and all your assets. Write down everything you have together. Find a lawyer who is well liked and respected in your community. Make sure SHE has kids. It helps, trust me! Only work on this for a set portion of time during your day. If you don't, that shit will start to consume you as well. The other part of the day is for you and your son. This is where your anger is put away in a deep closet, with lots of locks! This is the time when you eat ice-cream, watch Monsters Inc. for the hundredth time, and savor the moments of your young child's innocence. This is the time you cannot waste with your anger. This is the time you cannot get back...ever!
You are a woman with deep hurts, YOUR SON could be the best form of TRUSTED THERAPY you NEED RIGHT NOW! While you are protecting and taking care of him, don't deny yourself his powerful help. He's the best therapist you will ever need!
Much love and understanding coming your way my friend. I am with you every step of the way...xo

Oh wow that's a lousy situation! I can totally relate to trying to figure this all out WITH KIDS. It's SO hard, and everyone's like "duh, just leave, what are you waiting for." It's not like child care stops so we can get divorced and improve our financial situations- it all has to happen at the same time.

As for the cycle of doom, it really is hard with all that has to be done.

You asked " how to i stop this from sucking me down to the bottom? " I'd like to recommend some sort of positive focus of how you'd like your life to be. Mine is a vision board. It's not magic the way some people talk about it, but it's a positive target to move towards and keep focused on. And by being focused I'm more aware of opportunities and more likely to do the research needed. Feels better to be moving *towards* something even if it is soo slooww to get there.

Wishing you the best!