The next step is easy to say but hard to do.

No Contact, No Contact, No Contact. And then, as soon as you go No Contact, get into therapy with a QUALIFIED therapist who has additional training/education in the dynamics of abuse and recovery from trauma, abuse and PTSD.

The longer you have No Contact, the clearer everything will become and the less of a mess you will be. You will be able to see the 'exit' sign and navigate your way out. You are very fortunate in that he is a thousand miles away. This is a huge advantage in that you won't accidentally run into him. So block him from every form of contact there is and keep him blocked. And get into therapy ASAP.

~hugs~

You are exactly right. You actually sound like my therapist. I keep canceling appointments with her because I don't like what she says which is exactly what you just said.

She said she has these great resources/ exercises to help heal the trauma and ease the ptsd but she is having trouble doing that when I am being actively abused. I can't take it anymore.

He used to be so great. Our daughter is struggling and he has been just crap since she was 15. Now, she is 19 and she is struggling. I blame him. I want to do right by her.

I am gutted to look at the ruins he has left in his wake. I come home from work every day and I fall to my knees and just lay there.

beingshannon, your therapist is exactly right. It is EXTREMELY difficult to even begin to heal from abuse, trauma and PTSD while still with the abuser. I tried for over 3 decades and can tell you that 1. most of the therapists I saw had no clue about the dynamics of abuse and 2. the one who did helped me to survive. It wasn't until I got out and went thru two more therapists that I found one who helped me to begin to heal and thrive. IMHO, it's almost impossible to thrive while in an abusive relationship.

Please go back to your therapist and encourage your daughter to get into therapy as well. There is light at the end of the tunnel.

Some days I think there is light at the end of the tunnel and I can almost see it. Some days, like today, it doesn't feel like it.

Thank you for your quick response and your kind words. I know you are right.

I have blocked his number from my phone and I have made a commitment to myself to read this when I feel inclined to break no contact.

My daughter was assaulted last August by her boyfriend. She was 18 and he was 34. (Tells a story about her relationship with dad) This man beat her and his trial is the week after next. My ex was going to come and "be there for his girls". I don't want him to even bother. He hasn't been there for us in years. I am just sick tonight.

shannon, (I hope it's ok to call you that :-) sometimes it helps to remember that healing from trauma and abuse is a process. And it's never linear. It can be one step forward & one back. It can zig zag, go in circles, or sideways.

And it can feel like you've lost all the progress you made. But remember this always. We NEVER go as far back as we once were. When we do slip back, it helps to call it recycling. And always look for the lesson because then it doesn't feel so much like a failure. (That's because it's not a failue at all. That's just how we ended up thinking because of the abuse.)

I'm so sorry that your daughter has had to endure all that she has. I do hope she is in counseling. Trauma like that will affect our whole life, but there are ways to heal from it so we don't have to let it consume us.

Sending healing hugs to you both...

I'm sorry to hear the pain you're in tonight, it's so very hard.

MTC reinforces what I experience, the healing is zig zag and slipping back, it's really, really hard but it's good to remember we don't slip all the way back. Sending hugs, keeping you and your daughter in my prayers, take good care

I'm so sorry about your daughter. I hope they throw that book at this guy and that you and your daughter get the healing you deserve.

Hi BeingShannon!
Sorry to hear how hard things are right now.
You wrote: "I am gutted to look at the ruins he has left in his wake. I come home from work every day and I fall to my knees and just lay there." This is what I feel like they leave in the end. At least for me, I feel like they suck you inside of themselves and then start eating up your soul, leaving you gutted, literally. At our house, the ending was a mess.....ruins, as you say. Truly. But it wasn't! That too was an illusion! As soon as my son and I were on our own things started looking less ruinous, there was some hope, and sure enough it has been improving since then, yeah not in a straight path but the brightness and clarity is coming back now. Being with the narc is like a head of lettuce or piece of fruit that looks so nice on the outside but when you break it open it is all rotten in there. And you KNEW something smelled bad, you just couldn't tell for the longest time what it was! Also, for me, going into the feelings and reasons why I have trouble with all of the many boundary issues, including NC is helping me to grow. You are an anchor for your daughter....maybe your healing time together will bring you both so much closer. ((hugs))

Thinking of you tonight, Shannon! I completely agree with MTC - you need to go No Contact for your safety and well-being. We're all here to support and guide you.

They make us a mess. It is them dragging us into their non-sense. I don't know how it makes you feel, but being ignored and thousands of miles away is an opportunity to make a break and save yourself.

beingshannon, after my family has done the same thing to me regarding my fathers death -- i.e. contacting me repeatedly and then ignoring me when I respond, take it as more justification and certainty that nc with this person is the BEST and RIGHT thing to do! See it as a confirmation (as so many in here have reminded me!) rather than a set back! Sending you my best wishes!!

I am happy to say that as of right now I have 22 hours of NC and it feels better already. Unfortunately, it is all because he is giving me the silent treatment rather than any Herculean attempt on my part but at least I stopped trying to get him to communicate with me.

It is so upsetting this time. More so than others because he called and said so many right things. He was going to be there for us during the trial. He wasn't going to be drinking at all. Even when I said it wasn't a good idea to come, he said he would really like to prove to me that it would be great.

He convinced me. I said I thought it would do our daughter a lot of good to have a meal with her Dad when he wasn't drinking. Now, I think, Why did I think it would help her to see her Dad? He failed her. They aren't close anymore. I am the one that will be at the trial. Sitting by myself enduring every witness statement and photos. I am strong. I am her Mom and her Dad now. We don't need him.

Then, he just disappeared again. I spent time with her on Friday and feel like she is depressed and she has every right to be. I called him and left that message. Are you really coming? I think now it is probably a good idea. She needs her Dad.

Silence.

Saturday morning..... I leave him messages again, "Please call. Lets talk about her and this trial. I need to know if you are coming. I need to know how to best help her. Co parent? Something?"

Complete and utter silence.

So, my question to you guys, and I think I know the answer. Should I go complete silent on him now? Will he try to do the right thing in the end? He surely hasn't yet? Should I allow him to if he does? (Allow him to come?)

I guess this is where todays chaos comes from. I want to put an end to it. We don't need him. I don't think she is really expecting him.
BUT I don't want to be the reason he isn't there for her by not taking his calls when he decides he is ready to talk. And he will.

I should add that he did this to us about Christmas as well. He told us all he was coming and he disappeared. It is kinda how he does now. I know Melody Beattie said that a person cannot work on their relationships when they are actively addicted. That is him I suppose.

I am so angry that he would tell her that he was coming and I just feel like he won't. On the bright side, I think this might just be the final, unforgivable act.

I love the final unforgivable act!

I'm sorry i"m late
to this thread.

Please, Hon. . . . . .

please stay

NO CONTACT.

You are not, nor
will you ever be
the reason why
your child's father
is out of her life.
HE is the reason.
His dysfunctional
behavior is the reason.

NO CONTACT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Extremely good point. I knew the good points were out there but it is hard to remember them or to see them when you are in the midst of the insanity.

This is not my fault. This is all him. *I* have been here with my kiddo every single step of the way. He has not. That is in no possible way my fault.