That little fact has kept me from telling people about it. People aren't gonna understand why you couldn't just leave because they have never gone through what you have. Just know that here you will be loved and supported and that we understand.
~Best wishes

Thank you. I have been using this place to get some answers than no one else can give me. People that KNOW how I feel in every situation have helped me so much. You are very sweet. :)

I hated it when my friends gave me the you need to leave him lecture.....there are so many circumstances people don't realize like financial...fear...no family...emotional...etc.. I understand that leaving abuse is not easy took me a while to leave and I still feel like I attract only abusers

I'm really sorry you went through that, I HOPE you are getting some counselling to deal with all that abuse in the past and I hope that you are not in an abusive relationship now.

I KNOW EXACTLY what you mean about friends blaming you or criticizing you for not leaving.

While I was in my first abusive relationship with my ex-b, one of my friends was very critical of me staying. At the time, I wasn't ready to leave for many different reasons -I wanted to see for myself how far things would deteriorate, I wanted to give him another chance, etc, etc...and of course, I loved him.

So when she criticized me, it was AWFUL because it created more stress for me ON TOP of the stress I had in the abusive relationship.

I felt worthless, weak, etc. BECAUSE she would tell me " you are an abused woman".

Anyway, I did eventually leave, but I wasn't ready to leave then and there.

But yes, I did have problems with others blaming me.

No one intends to be in an abusive relationship, but individuals who were verbally abused by a parent or other significant person often find themselves in similar situations as an adult. If a parent tended to define your experiences and emotions, and judge your behaviors, you may not have learned how to set your own standards, develop your own viewpoints and validate your own feeling and perceptions. Consequently, the controlling and defining stance taken by an emotional abuser may feel familiar or even conformable to you, although it is destructive.



Recipients of abuse often struggle with feelings of powerlessness, hurt, fear, and anger. Ironically abusers tend to struggle with these same feelings. Abuser are also likely to have been raised in emotionally abusive environments and they learn to be abusive as a way to cope with their own feelings of powerlessness, hurt , fear, and anger. Consequently, abusers may be attracted to people who see themselves as helpless or who have not learned to value their own feelings, perceptions, or viewpoints. This allows the abuser to feel more secure and in control, and avoid dealing with their own feelings, and self-perceptions.



Emotional abuse victims can become so convinced that they are worthless that they believe that no one else could want them. They stay in abusive situations because they believe they have nowhere else to go. Their ultimate fear is being all alone.

Understanding the pattern of your relationships, specially those with family members and other significant people, is a fist step toward change. A lack of clarity about who you are in relationship to significant others may manifest itself in different ways. For example, you may act as an "abuser" in some instances and as a "recipient" in others. You may find that you tend to be abused in your romantic relationships, allowing your partners to define and control you. In friendships, however, you may play the role of abuser by withholding, manipulating, trying to "help" others, etc. Knowing yourself and understanding your past can prevent abuse from being recreated in your life.


If you have been involved in emotionally abusive relationships, you may not have a clear idea of what a healthy relationship is like. Evna (1992) suggests the following as basic needs in a relationship for you and your partner: (I have changed this from "rights" to "needs" and made other small changes- S.Hein)

The need for good will from the others.
The need for emotional support.
The need to be heard by the other and to be responded to with respect and acceptance
The need to have your own view, even if others have a different view.
The need to have your feelings and experience acknowledged as real.
The need to receive a sincere apology for any jokes or actions you find offensive.
The need for clear, honest and informative answers to questions about what affects you.
The need to for freedom from accusation, interrogation and blame.
The need to live free from criticism and judgment.
The need to have your work and your interests respected.
The need for encouragement.
The need for freedom from emotional and physical threat.
The need for freedom from from angry outburst and rage.
The need for freedom from labels which devalue you.
The need to be respectfully asked rather than ordered.
The need to have your final decisions accepted.
The need for privacy at times.

And if your not getting all this out of your relationship now, then imagine what you are missing out, I hope this gives you a more bigger outlook.

Hon ----

I'm so sorry for what you've been through.

It was NOT your fault.

And yes ---- leaving is never simple or easy.

The next time someone gives you some glib
advice, thank them and then tell them that
you know that they care about you and you'll
consider their words. But on their end, they
need to consider that unless they've been
in similar circumstances, they really can't
know the details or feelings of what you
deal with day-to-day.

And as gamine mentioned, I hope you're
getting or will soon get some highly
qualified counseling/therapy. The right
counselor, therapist or coach, can
help a lot.

Please take good care.

Oh ya cantseem...definitely. I've seen people struggle with how to say it too...they have tried to be gentle, but what they're essentially saying is, "you're a strong, independent, smart lady; why would you put up with that stuff?" I only have told those close to me because invalidation from others creates too much pain...and thanks, I've had enough of that.
I've even suggested to some that there's no time like the present to start educating themselves on the subject and buy some books! I think it's just too 'scary' a place for some, and they'd rather live in ignorant bliss than to think this stuff actually goes on...

Keep talking to people who understand...like here, a therapist. You will feel so much better when doing so.

Thank you all!
I am blessed in my relationship now, he's a wonderful man. I just find myself asking am I good enough and apologizing all the time. It's just those people that think I am an idiot because I couldn't at 16,17. (with no car of my own) just run away. Today I have a much easier life, but I twitch or cower if someone puts their hand in my face and have been known to start humming if I hear people yelling. I also don't like anyone to look at me for long periods of time.
My fiance's mother was abused by her husband and can relate to me on that, but no one I know understands about my parents. I am starting over thank GOD, we are talking about getting married in October. I am in no way using him as an escape, he's just my hope for normalcy and when I see him I see love, FINALLY LOVE.

I shut myself off from those around me because they refuse to listen to a liar. I am no liar. This place has really become my strength. I am so thankful!