And I'm so sorry if it sounds like im always whining and complaining, i really am not this person, I am just someone i thought i would never be, so indecisive, you all have given me such good advice in the past and i thank you for all your words and encouragement

Hi Racer,

First off - just breathe; take a really deep breath.

Your goal is to leave on Monday. Is there any reason why you wouldn't stick to this goal?

Please know that what you are feeling is normal. You feel scared, nervous, anxious, fearful, perhaps like you are doing something wrong or bad or mean... all very normal feelings.

Feel those feelings, try to put a name to them. Stick to your plan anyway. Don't overthink it.

Keep posting here.

wishing you peace of mind,

Seawee

i probably know what you are going through. Put yourself in his shoes for a min. and feel how u would have wanted him to treat you had misfortune befallen you and somehow u would not hv been able to live upto his expectations..u might find your answer..One sentence that on hearing while you are happy makes you sad and if you are sad makes you happy is( THIS TIME WILL ALSO PASS). Look at him with love and empathy...and i pray that ur hubby realises it in time that it is his duty to provide for u and his child and not the other way round..tk cr

OMG Race, you sound exactly like me. Don't feel bad about it! That's what this forum and all of us are here for!

I remember one time, my mom said "You've basically been a single mom for 5 years, the only difference will be one less person that you have to take care of."

But it is SO HARD to separate your emotions from your logical thinking. Good luck, girl! My thoughts and prayers are with you! Stick with your gut, and be strong because you deserve to be free!

My Aunt said.....Take a deep breath and jump!

stockholm syndrome.. stockholm syndrome.. that is what it is!!!

we all had or have it..

I second guessed myself ALL of the time!!!!!!!!

I could look at a whole list of the terrible things mine did, and I'd (or he'd) have an excuse for everything single one of them.

what I had to get clear in my mind was that life is short.. 80 years, more or less.. we all deserve to do what makes us happy in those years..

my ex would sit me down and say 'I don't abuse you. I'm not abusive. this is how everyone is. everyone abuses everyone else..'

(notice how he switched from saying 'I"m not abusive, to saying 'everyone is abusive?'

very sneaky. abusers are ALL very sneaky, and there is some brilliancy to them-even the dumb ones (like my abuser) in that they are the masters of manipulation, projection, twisting words..saying on thing, and then in the same breath, refuting it...

I don't abuse you. it's all in your head.. everyone is abusive..this isn't about us anymore, we don't need to be happy, it's our kids who need us together to be happy..your duty is to stay with me and support me..what about your wedding vows..you're going to destroy your family..I can't believe how cold you are..you're not the woman I married..what happened to you..I'm scared of you..you're the one who abuses ME!..please don't leave me..I promise never to do another abusive thing to you again..I may have done abusive things to you, but that doesn't mean that I'm an abuser..I couldn't control it.. but I'll never do it again..no, I can control it..I wasn't out of control when I did those things.. I didn't mean to do them..I've always treated you like a princess..you'll never find anyone who'll love you more or treat you as good as I did.. I promise never to lose my temper ever again.. how could I hurt the woman I love so much..you're such an angel...women like you are the reason that men do bad things..no, I love you..I'll do anything to keep this family together.. you just don't understand me..you don't understand me..you just DON'T FUCKING UNDERSTAND ME!!!!!

there.

that was my husband in a nutshell, and what I had to listen to whenever we had a discussion about our 'issues'...

can you see how manipulative and crazy-making it all is??

and he had the same double standards yours did-when he was out of work, and staying home, I'd rush in from work, cook, wash dishes, clean, take care of the kids.. and feel guilty because I could never do it good enough to satisfy him..

Racer, please don't feel bad for posting how you feel. Two things about it - firstly (as you have seen), you get support, encouragement and validation. And secondly, others get to see that they are not alone in their feelings.

Yes, we all think it "should" be so easy. It makes no sense to feel guilty for abandoning someone who abuses us, it makes no sense to question whether it really is that bad when we KNOW it really is that bad. And all the rest of it. But ... it's how most if not all of us have felt at some point.

You are not abandoning him - he's a grown man. He can fend for himself and if he can't, well that's his problem. You need to take care of yourself, and your boy NEEDS you to take care of yourself and of him.

Take care, and stick to the plan.

I am new here and don't mean to be nosy, but are you legally married to this man and is he your sons biological father?
You don't have to answer, just think about what I am asking.
I am feeling for YOUR SON. I hear/read what you are writing and this is normal, your feelings.
He is not helping you with anything around the house and that is just not fair.
I do not know the whole situation, but if talking to him does nothing then you need to think about your son and your peace of mind because it will start to get you physically sick all this stress.

Your son is going to remember how you handled this situation when he is a man. Remember that.

Many people do not realize that how a man's relationship was with his mother (or how he saw his father treat his mother) has a lot to do with how he is going to treat women in general. Maybe not 100% all men but most.

You sound like you have a good head on your shoulders, Woman but you also have feeling for this man.
It is not going to be easy, but think about your son. He needs someone like you that respects him and his right to be able to walk around freely in the house while being at school all day and not told to "go away I'm watching a rather R movie".

I hope I have not offended....

Thanks to all of you and musikmomma, you did not offend in any way, you hit the nail on the head. I know what i need to do, i just need to be pushed or shoved or pulled out the damn door lol Because when hes good hes fine and i can tolerate him, it doesn't bring back the feelings but i feel sorry for him and then think well hes not that bad and my son does love him dearly but i can not be treated like this anymore, i can not live in a relationship for the rest of my life that is just for show. i have tried and tried to make those feelings come back but they wont, i do care for him but more in a way that a mother cars for another child because i have always taken care of him. I need all the thoughts and prayers that i can get, i need to get out of here instead of being subject to more of this brainwashing before i never leave. So hard!

For me, what worked, was looking at my son and working out what I wanted for him. Do you want your son growing up knowing that what you have with your H is what love is supposed to be? Do you want him to grow up knowing that how your H treats you is how he should treat a partner?

Those, and many questions like them, were the ones that got me out. I could NOT allow my son to grow up thinking that was ok, much less "good". I want my son to grow up knowing that strong woman isn't the same thing as insolent bitch. I want my son to grow up knowing that opinions are free - they are not right or wrong, and they CAN be argued with and disagreed with, without a lack of respect or a competition. I want him to grow up knowing he can and will make mistakes, and he's lovable regardless - he doesn't need to earn love.

Your son may love him dearly ... but your son is also learning that you and your happiness are worth nothing.

Love yourself, love your son. And protect the both of you from this horrible sadness and disrespect.

you need to take that sympathy you feel for him, and turn around and feel it for yourself instead!

that was a really hard one for me to twist my mind around, because I really did lock up my feelings for years, and put husband, kids, work, relatives all before me. I felt as if everyone else deserved to be happy, but I wasn't as special.

and I know that although it was my upbringing, and even society that helped me to feel that way, it was my ex who really hammered it into me.

now that I'm out, I'm number one!!!!!! (well, most of the time- my kids do come first for the most part, but still, I'm pretty selfish, in a good, now..)