There are groups, I went to CODA which is a group similar to AA or NA but for co dependents. I found it very helpful.

Although they say that those who are abused do not ask for it, I have found that witnessing my parent's abusive relationship did NOT help me what so ever. I was in my first abusive relationship at 15 and my second was when I was 16.

I can't help but wonder how it is that I have drawn these types of people into my life. I think that a low self esteem that stems from my growing up makes me a little more likely to put up with the verbal and physical abuse that shows its head only slightly in the beginning. I wonder if a confident person with very high self esteem would stay. I doubt it, they would likely say that they deserve better and walk out the door.

Rob...this is a quote from vonnidisly's post on emotional abusers:

"...The truth of the matter is that abusers generally DO have a history of abuse stemming from their childhood, with emotionally abusive and/or physically abusive parents. However, it is important to note that though women can become abusers, MOST OFTEN (because of the way we are socialized and the power setups in society), if there has been no *successful* theraputic intervention, MEN from abusive families become "ABUSERS", and WOMEN who grew up in abusive families become "Abuse VICTIMS".

Aren't abuse victims usually co-dependant as well? I'm not sure but I believe that in my marriage, although my ex wasn't abusive, I was co-dependant. Now, 5 years later I'm no longer co-dependant but I have dated an emotional abuser! I did see some Archie Bunker type goings on when I was growing up and although my parents were loving, seeing a controlling dad and passive mom...well, abuse or not, it wasn't ideal. (You both may be too young to know the Archie Bunker tv series).

As for Al-Anon, a friend of mine attends those meetings and it's not for alcohol addiction. He said any person with an issue can attend the type of meeting he goes to.

How are you doing Rob??? I had a short relapse (a weeks worth) but the same thing happened and now I'm back to keeping my distance and ignoring his ridiculous text messages.

I can reccommend a few books that might be helpful. One is "Where To Draw The Line" by Anne Kathrine, M. A. and another book by her called "Boundaries, Where You End and I Begin" and the other set are a book and workbook, "Facing Co-Dependance" and he workbook entitled "Breaking Free". Abusive relationships are very co-dependant, and once you are in that mindset it becomes a way of relating to everyone and everything. I grew up in an abusive home, and married abusers twice before the age of 21. After that and several years of therapy I was eventually able to find a relationship that was safe, but still not as it should be. I have been working on this my entire life and yet I still find myself forming unhealthy relationships. While I do not tolerate any type of physically abusive relationships since my second husband over 30 years ago, I wrestle with emotional health every day. These books have helped a lot. Good luck.

I tend to have that connection in my own history - my codependency tendencies and tendency to choose relationships where I enable keep me further hooked into the abuse. It is a painful pattern and did not devlope overnight and won't go away overnight.

Beyond Codependenct by Melody Beattie calls it "recycling" when we repeat old destructive patterns having some recovery.

I find Al Anon very helpful and I'm learning we can have childhood issues stemming from alcoholism even in distant relatives, that sets us up to pick up some unhealthy behavior.

There is a connection for sure. But, not all co-dependence were abused. I think we do choice what feels normal and comfortable. It's home in a way. I would like to say it doesn't start out that way. But, when I look back at my relationship, one would think the fact that she threw a Hennesy bottle through my car window would be reason not to move in with her the very next week.

So, there is something there that I was addicted to. And I know it was a way for me not to focus on me. Also, my self esteem was horribly low. I hated myself and felt like actually throwing up when someone would compliment me.

I have gone to CoDA meetings and Al-Anon meetings. It's an addiction to me. It gives me some kind of high. I even had a really wonderful relationship with a woman of four years. She was not abusive one bit. But, I created a way of letting her control me. It wasn't her that was doing it. I was being a people pleaser. But, at the same time loosing touch with everyone else in my life.

I keep telling myself.. when it stops working I'll put it down. Simple as that. Everything I choose to do serves me somehow. I didn't have to look at my character defects when I had someone that was so much more defective than I thought I was. ie..she was and still is a phychopath. Undiagnosed bi-polar and multiple personalities. It all makes more sense now that I'm away from it all.

Here's a link to info on codependents....you can also locate a meeting on that site.
http://www.codependents.org/foundation-docs-patterns.php

I just extricated (after a year of going back and forth) myself from an emotionally abusive relationship with a very passive aggressive man.

When I started going to therapy and discovering the co-dependency issues that I have, my therapist immediately recommended "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie. The book opened my eyes to a great deal and was very helpful. I sat and read it with a highlighter in my hand and still refer to it as I go through this process.

Another book that my therapist recommended that I found to be excellent is "The Road Less Traveled" by M. Scott Peck. It really defined for me what love is and isn't (healthy love, that is).

Hope these can help someone else like they helped me. Good luck to everyone in their healing and recovery!

Thank you everyone :) I have read codependent no more and it was very helpful. I'm just not sure how to fully rid myself of this codependent crap. I still feel like I lost a part of myself with him, and I know thats not healthy. I have been doing well though, I haven't contacted him at all. He hasn't contacted me either but for some reason that is off putting to me, I turn that into....he is better off without me, doing fine, and with someone better. He is a hockey player and his season is starting soon, (training camp just started). I fear seeing him on tv or hearing how well he is doing when I am flat out struggling.I just want to put this behind me. I never had even heard of codependency before this. I know that is the real problem. I just want to be the ok one! It doesn't seem fair.

Beattie's book "Beyond Codependency" is the part 2 of "Codependent no more" - highly recommended.