I think its a reaction to the abuse. A way we try to stand up for ourselves because of the abuse. If they didn't do what they do to us we wouldn't get crazy and react in anger. Mine makes me want to hit him because he torments my mind so much. Its terrible and I think any normal person can but pushed to the point of anger when someone is doing something wrong to you. Even Jesus turned over the money tables in the Temple because it was wrong to be in the Temple to make money the house of God. I think its called righteous anger. There is a point where anger is right. Im not to sure if I said this right. But sometimes our anger serves a purpose in this case protecting our inner selves from damaging abuse. I do things back to my ex because he did it to me and I wanted him to see how it feels. It doesn't work though. It ends up just lowering us to their level. Its better to walk away if we can. I am struggling with all this stuff right now too. Anger, depression, anxiety, crying, and emotionally wrung out!

Legitimate question. No,it is most definitely not the same thing. And I think you already know the answer to why. Because when ignoring and silent treatment, stonewalling, whatever you want to call it is done as abuse it's a punishment, it's purposeful, it's a way for the abuser to get what they want from their victim. They may turn it into a gaslighthing opportunity and try and make you feel like they are just upset and need to calm down or whatever they might say, but it's a cruel punishment. I've seen so many victims eventually get their abusers to admit it's on purpose,and it's meant to get back at them.

Detaching for self preservation because you someone is transgressing against your autonomy is not only natural, and reasonable, it's the healthy thing to do when people trample on your boundaries. Establishing boundaries is useless if they aren't enforced, and sometimes the only way to enforce them without trampling on someone else it to remove yourself from the situation. See the difference?

I agree with radrm and cant. You're taking yourself away from their abusive behaviour.

I've had abusers trying to turn this around on me, by saying that their silent treatment/stonewalling was them trying to get away from my attacks! What had I ACTUALLY done? Simply told them the unvarnished truth about their own behaviour. They're abusers. They lie about everything.

Remember you said in your previous post that he was angry with you for telling the truth and reading a book? Well, you hit the nail on the head with that. You were fine! They hate the truth. So, to get away from it, they turn it around on us and present alternative stories.

There is nothing whatsoever wrong in going NC and walking away, whether you are angry in response to the abuse or not. (Being angry, among other reactions, would be a very natural response, btw). It's the very best way to protect yourself apart from anything else.

Hugs xxx

Feeling angry when
someone hurts us
is a natural (and
healthy!) response.

Detaching is a
logical (and healthy!!!!)
survival strategy.


If, in reaction to abuse,
you became manipulative,
agressive and violent in
return, then you would
be choosing dysfunctional
and unhealthy responses.

You know the song by
Carrie Underwood,
"Before He Cheats?"

I actually love the song's
music and lyrics, and a
secret part of me loves
the images of a betrayed
woman taking revenge.

But in real life, as
tempting as destroying
the tricked-out truck of
a cheating partner
might be. . . . .

doing it would only
get you arrested and
tossed into the legal
system, because it
would be being
violently abusive
in response
to abuse.

Detaching, walking away
and going No Contact
might not feel as
satisfying initially, but
that would be a functional,
healthy and EFFECTIVE
response.

Or think of it this way. . . . .

if you were out on the
town for New Year's
Eve and were the
victim of a mugging,

would you consider
yourself to be abusive
if you stood up, dialed
911 and filed a report
with the police?

No. You would be
being angry over
being violated and
then taking appropriate
action.

Give yourself permission
to feel angry and take
APPROPRIATE action.

(But if by "detaching from
the painful behavior" you
mean trying to "put it
behind" you, so you
can carry on with the
relationship as if he
wasn't being abusive,
then I'd have to say
that ultimately, what
you'd be doing, is to
be abusing YOURSELF.)

Please take good care.

whipple this is an interesting and important question. i think it's vital to examine our reactions to abuse because many times we inadvertently perpetuate the cycle and keep ourselves trapped, so sometimes it means trying on different ways of being.

it is very easy to second guess yourself in the spin of lies and deflection, but resist the urge to make yourself wrong. you are re-acting to an existing situation, not whipping something up out of thin air to hurt your partner like an abuser. you are not withholding, you are escaping pain. be confident in your rights to protect yourself, falling prey to self doubt makes you easy to sway and confuse.

watch the dynamic carefully.....does detaching give the abuser an excuse to say "look how badly you treat me, you DESERVE to be called horrible names." is your silence met with "see? YOU'RE the abusive one!" you leap to defend yourself, and get sucked into the vortex. the abuser doesn't care what is being said, just that you are standing there saying it, and will use your words as a lasso to keep you close. that's why no contact is usually the only recourse, it is like starving the beast.

from a revenge standpoint, it seems unsatisfying (i could fill 100 books with elaborate plans to murder my ex) but when you consider that without victims abusers are empty husks that scream relentlessly to be filled you can see your power is in refusing to be fodder for their twisted self esteem. you are a hunger that never goes away for them, which is why 1,000 years could pass and then they run into you in a supermarket and act like you should pick up the relationship where it left off. find empowerment in keeping them out of your eye-line and it will feel less like you are dipping to their level and more like you are having the hilarious last laugh.

At times, I totally took the unhealthy route when reacting to my ex. I wish so much that I detached every single time instead, but now I know. I spoke to someone at the National Domestic Abuse Hotline about my guilt, but it helped a ton when they informed me there's something called a "primary abuser."

It's difficult to identify who is who when you're caught up in the relationship and an abuser is telling you "I do this because you did that," because you do actually did that because they do this! But then reflect back on whether you're detaching because you want to punish him, or are you doing it hoping he'll see how it feels and get a clue and/or attempting to preserve your emotional well-being?

I didn't start "name calling" until after my ex did it several times. I suppose you could say I began responding to heated arguments in ways that seemed to make sense to him (because I obviously wasn't getting through with anything else I tried). But who's words were always pointed out as being unacceptable? Mine. While it's true that we're all responsible for our own behavior, an abuser has very ridiculous double-standards. Even after I corrected my own behavior after he ridiculed me and I was trying to help the relationship, he still wouldn't let me hear the end of it, over a year after I last called him an a-hole! Never mind anything he had called me since, of course.

It's all totally unreasonable. That's why walking away is best.

Let me ask you a question. What other choice do you have?

No other choice. I fought with loving unconditionally, but it came down to him or me. I knew 2 years ago when I broke up with him it would crush him, but it was him or me. He was killing my soul. I am emotionally detached now that he has re-entered my life and I see that he is the same. I have to protect myself or I will be in the same horrible shape again. I lost myself and had no confidence or respect for myself. I only asked because I realize that in detaching from him he seems to get scared and clingy, which is what I do when he is punishing me with the silent treatment. I don't like doing that, but like said, it;s him or me. He will destroy me if I don't.

It can be confusing because of the extremely unhealthy environment we find ourselves in but your reaction is one of protecting yourself. The hard part is getting ourselves back to knowing what's healthy and what's not.

Ultimately, in their world, it is all about them and can be painful to realize they don't really care for or about us. I finally realized how much I was being destroyed, even then it was hard for me to admit, boy, did he have his hold on me for far, far too long. It takes all our strength to look at the realities, painful at times too, but it is what we must do, especially if we've gotten ourselves out of the situation already.

Forget it enough to get over it, remember it enough so it doesn't happen again.

"it;s him or me"

It's your job to take care of yourself, first and foremost. Not in a selfish way, not in a "who cares about anyone else" sense, but in a very real self-preservation sense. It's nobody else's job to truly take care of you. Yes, it's lovely when a romantic partner does help us to take care of ourselves, but ultimately it is our responsibility and nobody else's (once we reach adulthood, of course). It's not your responsibility to take care of him - that's his. In a loving relationship, you should be doing what you can to help him take care of himself, but without losing sight of the fact that your primary responsibility is to take care of yourself. If you don't, you have nothing left for anyone else.

So yes, you are perfectly right, healthy and justified in doing what it takes to protect yourself and to take care of yourself, even if that impacts negatively on him. Truth is, if he weren't toxic, then your taking care of yourself would impact positively, not negatively, on him.

He's doing it to punish you. You're doing it to protect yourself. He has other choices. You don't.

You get scared and clingy because you are being abused. He gets scared and clingy because he can no longer abuse you.

IMHO anyway.

great question and responses. For me it helps that I found a card the kids and I wrote to him well into our marriage. It was the typical, encouraging message. I will bet that, like me, you were once positive and encouraging. In my case, he started blaming me for his depression and unhappiness, and after awhile there was no point in encouraging him, as I was just trying to protect myself and then to maintain my sanity. So when I find that card I am reminded that I tried my best. The fact that I withdrew from him,did not encourage his happiness later on and even said some things I regret was the result of the abuse. His sickness spread, and the relationship just became sick.

He has been very clingy the last 3 days. He just went home. He stayed here 3 nights. He looked sad when he was on my computer. He can see the things I google about abuse. It makes me sad that it hurts his feelings. I think he wants to be admired and respected, but he doesn't do very admirable things. He sees himself as the victim always. He told me along time ago, "girls don't like me, I don't know why." He never sees the harm he does with his push and pull emotional games. Never letting you off the hook. Never letting it be a real loving relationship, but then never letting you off the hook. Stuck.

Just a reminder-he is responsible for this own actions. One isn't OWED respect and admiration, they have to earn it. He does not feel bad about the behavior, just the consequences. Please guard against allowing your compassion for him translating into giving him opportunities to abuse you.

One of my abusers said something very similar to what you quote above: "I don't know why, but I make people miserable by trying to be with them."

And that is the truth, for all of them. They can pull all the faces they want, claim not to know why "things don't work out", try to make out that it's other people's fault for just not warming to them... but THIS is what really matters:

"He never sees the harm he does with his push and pull emotional games."

You're right, and he never will. That fact is how you can get unstuck. He's not a victim; he is your attacker wearing that disguise because it works to reel people in.

He looked sad when he was on your computer because he knew you would see him looking that way when he saw the things you had looked up. It reinforces his "poor me" act in front of you. If he was really capable of doing admirable things and treating you properly, he would be doing it now, rather than persisting in abusing you and attempting to excuse it and claim sympathy for not being able to stop.

He is a grown man and it is up to him to choose appropriate behaviour and to take responsibility and consequences for what he does choose to do if it fails to be appropriate. If your best friend was with a person like him, who kept letting them down and putting them through this perpetual emotional pain, what would you say? Be your own best friend :)

You just deserve so much better than being his emotional prisoner, you really do. Hugs xxx