Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
If you spend time away, or maybe change a flaw within ourselves, could it possibly change the way the abusive partner or relative treats us long term? Seems like unhealthy thinking but I feel like maybe if I was less codependent or needy it would solve a lot of both our frustrations. I've noticed in the past when I care less, or pay less attention to what my bf is doing he treats me a lot better... he likes his alone time..
Many of us spent our whole lives trying to do what they wanted &/or what we thought they expected (which changed every two seconds).
Being with an abuser is like playing a game where you don't know the rules and as soon as you figure them out, they (the abuser) changes them!
And it only gets worse over time.
Another thing to remember is that abusers get to abuse by controlling their victims. In order to do this it's necessary for them to isolate and break down their victim's confidence and self-esteem. Any show of confidence and independence by a victim, IME, will make an abuser fight even harder for control.
As my ex-abuser once said to me:- "What the hell does it take to break you? What right do you have to be so confident? You're nothing!"
Take care
My feeling is that if he could admit to herself that her addictions were a problem and she was using them to avoid a deeper problem, she could then address the root cause.
The reason I feel this way is that when she was drinking or smoking weed, her personality would completely change to "Mr. Hyde", but when she was sober she would show flashes of a very caring, respecting person. But to answer your question, I like to think she is capable of change, and I dream some day she calls or writes me and apologizes, but I doubt it will happen. She's just too set in her was and very defensive about her behavior. She things she never does anything wrong.
No matter how you change your perception it won't change him or how he behaves or what he believes. I tried it and it did squat to change him. To me it was kind of like putting blinders on. It made it easier for a while but eventually I had to take them off and see him for who he really was.
Abuse will change, and mutate, whatever it needs to maintain it's victim.
The one who actually might change is the one in a million, you may see him on Oprah.....you won't see him in your house, in your life.
The only way to stop abuse, is to leave it.
In my case, when I would not let the abuse bother me, he would only change tactics, so no matter what, he found a way to get a reaction out of me. That is what they do. They need the reaction from their victims, because the reaction means that it is breaking down their victims. When they don't get a reaction, they FIND ANOTHER WAY!
Trust me...trust the women on this board... you will see it come.
Please don't blame yourself - his treatment of you has nothing to do with your own behavior. No matter how you may be (and my guess is you are not needy or codependent - he has only convinced you of these things) there is NO excuse to mistreat you. You can bend over backwards, and he may still find flaws. I ran around in circles trying to change myself for my ex, and then ended up miserable because he still always found something.
It won't change.
Do you think that making changes within yourself will bring about change in a brain has fautly wiring?
NO MATTER WHAT I DID CHANGED THE WAY MY EX-BOYFRIEND TREATED ME. I saw the signs early in the relationship and chose to ignore them.
I use to think since he was physically, and emotionally abused by his father, he abused me. BEING ABUSED IS NOT A PREDICTOR. THERE ARE PEOPLE WHO EXPERIENCE ABUSE AS CHILDREN AND KNOW WHAT IT FEELS LIKE AND DO NOT INFLICT PAIN ON OTHERS. There are abusers who have never been abused, and have faulty wiring.
You can't change another person. Nothing you have done or said has caused him to be an abuser, nothing you say or do will cause him to stop being an abuser. You don't control him, you don't and can't control his choices.
The other thing is that the rules change. I bent over backwards, sideways and every which way to "change" for my ex, to be what he wanted, give him what he wanted, to make him change. Two things came from that. Firstly, I became someone I no longer recognised and didn't much like, and secondly I was then told that the reason he treated me so badly now was because "you've changed".
Do you really want to be in a relationship where the best you can hope for is that you "care less or pay less attention"? Where the best you can hope for is loneliness and not mattering, not having any say in anything or any right to emotions?
Do you really want to be in a relationship where who you are is not enough?
You can NOT win with an abuser. The point of the game they play is to keep you playing any way they can. They keep you focussed on your behaviour so you don't notice theirs. The only way to beat them is to not play the game. Walk away and don't look back. Be precisely who you are, who you want to be for YOU, rather than spending all of your time and energy trying to be what a predator wants.
has
NOTHING
to do
with the
behavior pattern
of the abuser's victim.
Their abusive behavior
comes from
their
damaged interior.
And yes.
They can change.
They
ALWAYS
GET WORSE.