I've been married for a year and a half (I just turned 23). I hate cooking and cleaning...my husband knew I wasn't the home maker type when he married me. He tears me down for this fact when we're fighting quite often and attempts to force/manipulate me into be of a June Cleaver. It will never happen!

Your husband sounds very controlling. I'm new to this forum, but I have learned that that IS abuse. If he's behaving in a way that makes you feel bad about yourself on a constant basis, it is abuse! A man shouldn't be talking to his wife like that. What you described reminds me of how my Mother spoke to me when I was a child. He's your EQUAL, you're not a child!

Yes, I can relate to this. I was constantly 'reminded' how to hang up his shirts right, how to build a fire in the fireplace correctly, to turn off the propane to the BBQ when done using it, how to pack his clothes correctly.

And if we were going on a trip or away for the weekend he would tell me items he wanted to make sure we took. And it seemed that as long as he had told me then he was no longer responsible for making sure those items were taken. And if I forgot something then I was 'in trouble.'

If I forgot to remind him to take both his glasses, both his cell phones and an appropriate assortment of hats any time we got in the car (even if we were just going to the store) then I was the one who got in trouble.

If we were driving somewhere and he didn't see what a sign said he would ask me what it said. And if I didn't know then I got in trouble. A couple of times I was gutsy enough to say - well you didn't see it either so why are you so mad at me??

So yeah.... I know the feeling....

I forgot to mention that I always ran through a checklist of things I made sure were done before he got home from work. I was nervous that if there were dishes in the sink or the bed wasn't made or the cows weren't fed, or dinner was not cooking, etc... that he would think I was lazy. Even if he didn't say it - I knew he was thinking it.

rcr...that sounds like an OCD nightmare!

Thank you sarah. He does treat me like a child and intellectually I know that is not the case,however, I still find myself feeling inadequate.

RCR, Wow! this is exactly what I live with on a daily basis! I am not alone after all!! It doesn't matter how much I do, I am still lazy! It sounds like you are not married to him anymore. If that is the case, how did you get away???

Oh my gosh--look at my post of two minutes ago. Total micromanaging idiots! My father was actually worse than stbxh in that respect. Before he got home from work, I would be frantic to make sure that all of his triggers around the house were taken care of and all was well on the homefront. If I managed that, my 'reward' was that he didn't say anything to me at all (not even hello) and only gave me a sceptical look as if to say, "Don't worry, you were lucky this time, but I'll get you, my pretty!" Such a terrible, unacceptable way to live!

You're being abused, hon.

Your screenname is Hopetobefree.

I hope you're taking steps in that direction.

You don't have to live under the tyranny
of abuse. You're entitled to a quality life.
I hope you're actively moving in that direction.
If you haven't called already, here's the
number: 207-430-8334

You articulately described one
technique of emotional abuse
-------- treating you as though
you're a child or an incompetent
adult who needs to be living in
a group home. You're not and
what he's doing is being
emotionally abusive.

Please love and care for yourself.
Best thoughts and prayers, to you.

Thank you IleneW. I just joined Daily Strength yesterday and the validation and support I have received just today makes me want to cry. I am making plans to leave my abusive husband in 6 months and move 1800 miles away to live with my daughter and her family. Even though I feel like the decision is made, I find myself wondering if it is real or just a dream. I question whether I will have the courage and strength to follow through.

I'm so glad to hear you have plans.

I'm glad you joined here.

I have no doubt you have the
courage and strength to follow through.

You're on your way, already!

Hiya Hope. You wonder if you will have the strength? I think the fact that you have found this group, that you have decided that you don't want to live that way any more, that you are admitting to yourself that it's not you who is wrong ... all these things mean you have enormous strength. You are on your way.

Stick around here, read some of the posts, and write your own whenever you feel you are stumbling or need support and validation. We will help you and you will do whatever YOU want and need to do.

man can I relate. I mean the simplest things that any one does....like dont forget to take a breath now and again....or...what you need to do is....that one always gets me. ALWAYS correcting me or making sure I do the right thing because if he doesnt remind me it wont get done. I have never been allowed to mow our lawn because he doesnt think I can do it right. I guess I should be happy about that, eh?

p.s I moved 800 miles away three years ago. We are still married. We still talk everyday, but it is for only 10 minutes now instead of the 20 or so and five times a day. he says I am boring and that I dont have anything to say. But my feet are still being held to the fire for that check every month which I am taking steps to change, and I am not willing to listen to his disrespect and discounting. I still feel bad everyday about what a horrible person I am for leaving and spending his money, and for not being as in love with his disfunctional first family as he is. I cant take his abuse let alone his daughters and his exwife. Who gave these guys permission to treat us like this anyway? And I have to admit, as bad as I feel 800 miles away, I know how bad I felt every day when I lived under the same roof. I am so grateful for this group. Tame wrote something in another post that said "your no has no authority." My no has no authority, but it does now, BY GOLLY!

I can relate. My husband will manipulate his way out of doing things around the house. And sometimes he will make it quite known that he doesn't think he should have to take part in it. There have been times where I've been sick or even had a vacation day from work. He would come home and say, "It doesn't even look like anything was done around here today. What did you do all day?" I guess I'm not allowed to be sick or actually take a day off for myself!!!

Kimmy - I can relate to that! I actually work from home... I have a master's degree and a very demanding full-time job that takes up my whole day. But since I was at home all day I guess I was supposed to also be a full-time maid. He would rarely say anything about the messy or uncleaned house at the time but would bring it up later if he needed fuel for the fire. He would say... I come home and the house is a mess so it's ovbious you didn't do anything all day.

Amazing that my place is cleaner now than it ever was when I lived with him!