Possum, all I know is my experience. And mine was, that if I even let a thought run through my head that I was going to place boundaries on him, like telling him zero tolerance for ANYTHNG, it was taken as a challenge to him, and he would go to great lengths to prove to me that I had NO CONTROL over what he did. He would not stop until he had caused so much chaos that we were all in our separate rooms, trying to stay clear. All crying. Me going to my son and whispering to him to try to soothe his battered psyche.

Trying to work with an abuser, trying to be reasonable, rational, set boundaries, trust me...for everything you try to do to keep the calm in your home, there will be a stronger and uglier reaction from him, because it's about power and control....that's all it's about. And the only way to take it from him is to leave.

You will come to that conclusion on your own one of these days. One day he will cross a line that is just too far. It happened for me when my son was about 8 or 9...it took me 5 more years to get out, because by then, I had no job, no money, no car of my own....but I did it, step by step, little by little, I reclaimed my life from him, unbeknown to him.

Today, 4 years, 2 months, and 9 days later, I got the final judgment from the Supreme Court of the state of Ct that I will get what is mine, and my court battle with him is OVER. My son and I are free...finally completely free of him.

You'll get there too. One of these days you'll just make the choice and start the plan in motion. Big hugs to you....

yeah-it's true.

you think that the abuse is occurring because you have not set up proper boundaries.

trust me. set up those boundaries and and he WILL find more subtle ways to abuse.

mine has.

PLUS-something 'big' happens, and my husband STILL blows up!!! but now he blames it on the stress and fear I've put him in with my 'threats' to leave and the fact that I'm not in love with him anymore.

You can TRY the boundary thing. But if he breaks it are you going to grab the kids and just leave right then?

I guess maybe you could tell him what is expected of him, and see what happens...but hopefully you are making some plans of how you guys are going to get out.....

i am actually just having the experiences the others have said now. I just set some boundaries because i really dont care anymore if i leave - i am emotionally exhausted and really ready to walk out if things don't change. so i told him exactly how i felt and that i am completely done with compromising and trying to please him, and his controlling is making me feel like i am not alive.

he was like, okay, i wont call you names or yell and i'll never tell you what to do. he hasn't done any of those things. but everything is 1000 times worse now. he's finding all these tiny, invisible ways to put me down and let me know how he disapproves of me.

his new favourite lines are "i'm just asking", "i'm not fighting", "i'm not telling you what to do". and every TWO SECONDS he has an "innocent question" for me about something. he is driving me crazy.

I'm taking my son to my dads for the weekend. praying i gather the strength to not come back.

I never used to be able to go out without the kids. The few times that I would do anything, I'd have to make all the plans for it, make a big dinner for everybody, make sure everything was organized to make it 'easier' for him.

then, when I was almost ready to leave, he would pop up from the dinner table and start yelling at the kids 'come on you guys! pick up all this junk off the floor, turn off that tv!'

and he'd go into this angry frenzy, and have the kids crying when I left. then I'd spend the evening stressed out, worrying about the kids.

any wonder why I went out alone about 5 times a year?

NOW-things are different, because he's 'trying'..

so now, in this nice voice, he'll ask me 'so WHAT time are you going to be home? why so late? I thought that you said it would end at 10? why would they go on for so long? that doesn't make sense to me.'

and it's all fakey, yet still manipulative, so that I'm driving home, checking the time, feeling stressed that the thing went on for 20 extra minutes...

they just find new ways to continue to control us..

I can so relate to all of that.

My five favorite words lately?

I'M SO GLAD I'M OUT.

My favourite six words:

I'm so glad I'm almost out!

"I feel that I need to have zero tolerance in this house for anger and yelling and I need to follow thru and get out if it happens." It sounds like you've already set boundaries.

That sounds like a really healthy boundary for you to have.
Boundary-setting doesn't have to be about setting them WITH the abuser & that's because abusers don't honor boundaries.

Since it sounds like you're on the brink of setting this boundary w/yourself, just know that you are under no obligation to inform him of your boundaries. (and he probably wouldn't hear you anyway.)

Hugs!

From my experience, I have set up boundary after boundary. This just gave him more "Ammo" when the abuse came. Because now he didnt have to figure out how to hurt me. I gave him the answers. I would say I will not tolerate yelling or name calling. If you yell then I'm packing up the kids and staying at my moms or a hotel. He knew it would cause me dicomfort to have to sleep away from home so when he really wanted to hurt me he would scream and curse knowing I had to follow through and leave. That's the thing with this abuse. We cant change them but they want us to believe we can. But in reality we are the only ones who are changing, constantly in order to appease them. I think you already laid the boundary down of no yelling before and he crossed it. Even if it is years later. If we caught our husbands having an affair and we said no more and he stopped it, but years later we find him with another woman again we wouldnt see it as a mistake but as a warning of what else could come.
I completely understand though, sometimes I think I'm crazy and over reacting, especially when I try to explain it to others it sounds so trivial. They say, "What, you're leaving him because he yelled at you! He didn't hit you or cheat on you, he's not gambling away all the money, what's the problem?!" I get sucked into that sometimes but I have to remember that it's all part of the abuse. Just something to think about.

I have said so many times, that's is not acceptable!! But it didn't matter to him . A boundary for the abuser is just a challenge for them, just to see how ruffled they can get you, after you have tried to set one. I have found that if I say you cannot do that .He will definately do that thing I said he cannot do.So to have boundaries with these people usually doesn't work.I think the only way to deal with them is to do eactly as you say you will the 1st time.Also I have stopped letting mine tell me, I cannot do something that I want or need to do.It feels really good too ,I use to be afraid to go ahead and do something if he said I couldn't but now I don't care what he thinks he is going to be angry whether I do or don't do something.So I am getting a little satisfaction about the fact that he has lost a little power and control with me!!!Yeah Me!!Also this is helping me in other areas with this man who has been so controlling of me and my children.I am feeling like I have some power myself, and I will gain all of it back. I know it is slow but it is happening, and this feels so good.Bless you !

I think the zero tollerance for the abuse is a good idea. I would leave if I was you if he starts up>

This all sounds oh far to familiar!
I am so relieved that today I have finally delivered the signed divorce documents to my attorney ready to be filed in court next week.
I was the kind of person who reckoned I would never resort to divorce, and marriage was for ever. But after years and years of what you are going through now and the questioning as to what was the right thing to do. I came to the conclusion that - I am sorry, but no one can expect us to continue living under those kind of conditions and having to time and time again put up with the verbal and psychological abuse. (He even tried it on me again this past week during discussion about the divorce agreement).
Good luck on trying to work out what is the best thing for you to do. It is not easy!! We all know that! You go around and around in circles trying to figure out which way to handle it.

Thanx so much everyone for your comments. Don't think I will tell him about the boundary but next time the yelling starts I will have to walk. Hopefully the message will get thru. Wish me luck and courage..

It will be interesting if setting boundaries with your abuser works out, because breaking a victim's boundaries is what an abuser is all about. It's by doing this repeatedly that they in fact gain control and maintain a reign of terror...

If you issue him with an ultimatum, he might appear to cooperate for a while, for fear of losing control, but it's my guess he'll revert to his old self once he's lulled you into a false sense of security and the fear has passed.

You and your children deserve a far better life than this, and I would start making plans to leave.

Take care

Yes...if you set boundaries...he won't respect them. But if you really set them for yourself, with the resolve to live by them, they may propel you out of there more quickly.

Either way.....the truth that underlies the setting and respecting of boundaries is that the only way to stop abuse is to leave it...to walk away. At first you walk into another room. Then you take a walk. Then, you leave with your kids and whatever you can take.

Bottom line is...If you want it to stop, then you have to leave.

"Messages" don't get through to abusers.

As HM just said:

Bottom line is...If you want it to stop, then you have to leave.

possum, goodluck to you. In my experience with dating an abusive man boundaries are solid proof of what they'll do more of, because they know what hurts you the most. I tried setting boundaries, I tried saying that was wrong, unacceptable..... it only triggered for those particular things to happen more. When I became used to 'that' and numb then he'd get worse and worse.

I wish boundaries helped, but with an abuser it doesn't.