I have heard of allowing ex 30 seconds for the tought then on to the next one.

Ack, that scene in Clockwork Orange is disturbing. Indeed, the whole movie I found disturbing.

Joanie, I really don't know anything about aversion therapy. I do know, though, from experience is that a big part of healing comes with moving through rather than around the pain. I know it sucks, huh? If we don't deal with it now, it will manifest in other ways somewhere down the line.

I have heard of setting a timer, as Explorer mentioned. Maybe give yourself 5 minutes twice a day to dwell on the negative thoughts.

But Joanie, even if it doesn't feel like it, every day you remain clear of your ex in all way, shapes and form, you are getting better and stronger.

BTW I'm really glad you decided to stick around!

Hmm... I'm not sure how this could work, given the healing that needs to be done.

Someone (sorry, I think they are really famous, but I cannot think of their name right this minute) once said they allow themselves ten minutes a day to obsess if they really must. Outside that time, no obsessive thoughts allowed.

They reported actually feeling a reduction in their desire to obsess once they reached their set time to do it, and eventually did not want the 'allowance' at all any longer.

I'm guessing this may not be for everyone, and I do second ltwist's suggestion of rewarding yourself and gently encouraging yourself by remembering that every day is a victory!

Massive hugs xxx

Yeah, I would not recommend Clockwork Orange, it is a pretty disturbing movie. Like a trainwreck you can't turn away from.
I will have to try those incriments of time and hope they get shorter then eventually fade. Sometimes I get so frustrated at my progress or lack there of, I could just bang my head into a wall. THAT would be a deterrent, or at least maybe knock this cavity out?!
I realize its nothing to joke about, I just get mad at myself as I did 8, almost 9 months of NC before and I backslid. :(
I deactivated FB, I do not call him, or his friends, no emails...but I can't put a Firewall on my internal server...stubborn brain.
Thanks for the suggestions you all.

Joanie My Friend! I wouldn't want you to even consider it. It sounds like you would be replacing one pain with another. I want you to replace the pain with Good Stuff. You're going through a lot and that's not easy. I think about my ex a lot, but I don't obsess anymore. You said, the more you try to crowd him out of your mind, you get frustrated and obsess. That might be the key... Like everyone is suggesting, you should probably allow yourself time to think about him. One thing I've learned, is not to fight my feelings. If you do that, I believe it will get better. Hugs, hugs, hugs!

I don't know much about aversion therapy. However, I do know that in order to hear, it's critically important to honor our feelings by allowing ourselves to feel & then release them. When we avoid them, they get stuffed and then, each time they try and work their way out, if we fight them or try and distract ourselves, they get stuffed again, one on top of the other and then they start multiplying.

I would suggest finding a type of therapy that allows you to do this.
Regardless of what type of therapy you choose, here's something to consider....

IMHO the ability for any therapy to be successful depends on at least three things.

1. The client's willingness to want to heal which means being open to going thru the pain to get past it. But, that doesn't mean we have to relive it or suffer as much as we did the first time &/or continue to suffer.

2. The client's ability to follow thru w/all processes - this takes time & determination. Healing doesn't happen over night. It's important o remember how long it took us to get where we are today. ;-)

3. The ability of the modality and therapist to make sure that there is a healing component in each session/treatment.

In many cases, people leave the therapist's office feeling WORSE than they did when they walked in. That's not a good thing, IMHO.

A healing component in each session doesn't necessarily mean 'problem solved' in one or two sessions. It means the client is given the opportunity to create the beginning foundation to seeing things in new and healthy ways and to draw new conclusions about themselves and make new decisions on how to behave. It also includes nurturing the wounded parts of yourself...and much more.

This is what helped me to really start healing after decades of doing all kinds of different therapy modalities that didn't seem to help me at all. The key is to allow ourselves to express and release the feelings without judgment and then to learn to accept things for what they were. And then we can start learning to practice being in the moment. Again, this all takes time. And, as everyone has said, feel your feelings, honor & accept them & then release them.

We are like onions, so when we start doing our healing, we begin by peeling away a layer at a time and as with peeling an onion, there will more than likely been some tears. Unlike an onion, there will be other feelings. Many times anger comes first and until we can get past the anger, it's really hard to get down to the sad, hurt, scared, and shame.

A couple of things that can help start getting the feelings moving are
1. free writing - set a timer for 5 or 10 minutes and just start writing. Don't stop until the buzzer goes off, even if all you're saying is I can't think of what to write. If you keep doing it daily, stuff will start to pour out. You can also take what you've written and create a release ceremony by burning what you've written.

2. If your feelings are really stuck, get a magazine or one of those swim noodles (cut in half) and beat the crap out of a pillow. As you're beating it, use your voice, whether it's just screaming or moaning or saying words. This helps release the pent up energy and feelings and gets you to a place where you can express yourself.

3. Consider attending a grief group. Much of what we are dealing with is grief and sadly not many recognize it as such. It sounds counter intuitive, but abuse steals from every aspect of our lives. If we don't outwardly express our grief, it's really hard to heal.

4. Get a teddy bear or a doll and whenever your feelings crop up, express them & then hold the teddy bear as if it were a small child and tell it what you know that little girl needs to hear. It may sound nutty, but it really works.

5. Give yourself permission to feel your feelings. Most of us grew up not being allowed to express ourselves. Then we ended up in relationships where we also couldn't express ourselves. It is OK and it is HEALTHY to have & feel our feelings. Feelings are just that - feelings. They float in and out. It's what we do with them that counts. If we deny our feelings, we are denying ourselves.

6. Find the right therapist & therapy modality for you. That can take several tries.

Someone told me that in order to heal, it's important to accept where we are and what has happened in the past. That's a really hard thing to do. But in order to move forward so we don't live in the past, we must 'work' our way thru all the muck. Sucks, I know, but so worth it in the end.

It's taken me several years to get to where I am now. My PTSD is so much better!! I still have 'work' to do, but I'm happy to do it, regardless of the emotions that come up because after each session, I feel just a little better. It wasn't like that at first - oh no....I can't count how many times I was ready to walk out & say never again. I am so grateful I stuck with it.

Whatever you decide to do, please honor yourself and your feelings.

~hugs~

MTC, Such great advice. I even had a big cuddly Teddy bear that was one of the last Christmas presents my mother gave me that I used to just hold in bed on the really hard days. I gave it to my first born nephew on my younger brothers side as he never got to meet her.
I could probably use the grief support groups as I never got to grieve a lot of losses.
And I know I need to journal ..my depression has been winning and I have been on auto pilot.

I try to use humor at times to mask the pain or anger, we were brought up not to show weakness.
My mother literally had pelvic bones detoriorating from bone cancer and would walk and not cry just to be able to be beside my dad. I am not that tough.

As for therapy, I keep shutting down when or if they get to the real bad things. :(
I honestly wish a person could just defragment the bad parts out of your head.

Nothing constructive to add but I am thinking about getting Tshirt made that says "swim noodles...it's cheaper than therapy".

I absolutely agree that these feelings do need to come out but there is also a point at which it is obsessive and no longer productive. Working through is not obsessive.

Joannie, humor is what held me together before I found my current therapist. I made sure I watched as many funny tv shows as I could every day, even tho they were almost all reruns.

Please keep looking for a therapist you feel comfortable with. It takes time to build a relationship & feel safe & comfortable enough to share your deepest stuff. As far as the degragmenting of the parts you don't want, after doing that myself, I don't recommend it. The idea of healthy heart centered therapy is to start healing each fragment, one at a time, integrating them as you heal them. It really does work. But again, it takes time.

Godis, lol, love the tshirt idea! I have a friend who beats the crap out of her bed w/a frying pan.