Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
I have been married to my AH for three years now, and with him for a total of six years. I am 33 years old and we do not have children. Two months ago I filed for divorce. My AH did not seek treatment for his alcoholism until four months ago, after I had endured a significant amount of emotional/mental abuse and even a few instances of physical abuse. He has been in an outpatient program since the beginning of February. He has an individual meeting with a counselor every other week, and a group meeting/class every week. Even though he made the choice to get help, I was still angry with him about his prior behavior. The incident that was the straw that broke the camel's back was this past Super Bowl weekend. That Saturday night he went to a friend's house and drank an entire bottle of rum on his own. After I called him and knew he was drunk, I went to the friend's house to pick him up because I did not want him driving home. When I got to his friend's house we got into a fight and he was beyond mad at me the next day because I was an "embarrassment." He would not speak to me for a week, except for telling me how horrible I am and that he wanted a divorce (he often used the word "divorce" as a weapon even though he didn't mean it). One week later, after my mother came in from out of town because I was so distraught, my AH admitted he had a problem and sought help. However, the damage had been done at that point and I wanted out. I had heard the promises of change before and did not want to be let down yet again. I convinced my AH to move out while we "temporarily separated" but was secretly meeting with an attorney to file for divorce. The papers were filed on April 17th and my husband was devastated when he was served. I started seeing someone else who was wonderful. He was kind, attentive, and supportive of me during this entire ordeal. However, about a month ago, I started having second thoughts and was regretting not giving my AH's sobriety a chance. I reached out to my AH and we have been talking ever since then. He has not moved back in with me, and I refuse to allow him to do that right now. I am just unsure of what to do right now. I still love my AH but I am afraid that if I allow him back into my life the past will repeat itself. He has been sober for 4 months now, but is this a permanent change? I attended my first Al Anon meeting last night, hoping that if I talk to others who have been in my shoes it will provide some guidance. I ended my romantic relationship with the man I was seeing after I filed for divorce, but we do talk occasionally. I want to make the best decisions for myself and my well-being, but I am not sure what those decisions are and it tears me apart every single day. I don't want to miss out on the happy, sober marriage that I always wanted with my AH, but will I ever be able to relax and trust that this change is for real and will last a lifetime? Any advice is so appreciated... thank you.
been through.
Here are a few thoughts:
Even if your husband
continues to remain
sober, that alone doesn't
predict a marital life free
of abuse. The alcohol
was not the "cause" of
his abuse. It probably
exacerbated it, but it
wasn't the underlying
reason why it happened.
This is a virtual copy
of what I recently posted
on another thread, regarding
similar circumstances:
Only you can decide
what to do.
Here are some things
to consider:
If you feel you
must give his
sobreity and
ABILITY to
be NON-ABUSIVE
a chance,
there are several
ways to do that.
The best way is to
lay out conditions,
the most optimal
being:
[1] Continued sobriety
[2] Separation
[3] NO CONTACT
[4] Him getting
therapy with a
SPECIALIST. . . .
INDEFINITELY.
[4] A probationary period
that begins AFTER at
LEAST a YEAR's separation.
During this probationary
period, the physical
separation in regards
to habitation, continues.
These would be my
basic list of conditions.
If he's genuinely sincere,
then he'll comply. If he's
operating from a place of
desparate manipulation
to attempt to simply
maintain the marriage,
then he'll protest. And
then you'll have your answer.
If you decide to give him
a second chance while
changing none of the
circumstances that
brought you to this point,
a few weeks or a couple
months should suffice
to reveal what most
of us can tell you right now:
Some substance abuser
can attain and maintain
sobriety, but that's only
half the battle. The other
part of the campaign is
to change the pattern
of abusive behavior
and that's MUCH
HARDER.
As I said at the top. . .
only you can decide
your next move.
Another way to help
sort this out is for
you, yourself, to
find a therapist
qualified in these
specific issues.
Please take good
care of yourself.
Sending hugs
and healing prayers.
rushing the separation
(I assume. . . to END
the separation), is
characteristic.
The specialites that
would be most pertinent
to you would be either
addiction recovery,
a therapist whose
specialty is recovery
from abuse, or a
family systems therapist.
You mentioned physical
violence a couple years ago.
Did he ever put his hands
around your neck or cover
your airways in any manner?
If that was the form of violence
then you need to know that
that's not merely random
violence, but the most
dangerous and potentially
deadly form.
Even if the violence in the
past didn't fit that category,
please know that abuse is
like cigarette smoke in a
restaurant. It doesn't turn
back from the entrance to
the "no smoking" section
because there's a sign
above the door. It does
what it wants and it
goes where it wants.
If your husband actually
manages to maintain
his sobriety, he will be
under the same pressures
as before but now, WITHOUT
his preferred anesthetic. . . .
which means that, unless
he's working EXCEPTIONALLY
hard on his stuff, his abuse
will likely ESCALATE.
Again, I highly recommend
that you connect and begin
work with a counselor of
your own.
the answer to that.
Please factor in
that changes of
the magnitude
that he needs
to make, require
MONUMENTAL
inner resources.
If he has those
resources, that
would be wonderful.
The percentage of
people who suffer
from this degree
of dysfunction
who are able
to make the
needed changes
are an infintessimal
portion of the
dysfunctional
popuation.
My best suggestion
to you would be to
let him do the work
he needs to do
(individually) . . . . .
APART FROM YOU.
Then, reread my first
response and maintain
NO CONTACT.
If he wants you
and your marriage. . . .
he'll do what it takes.
If he's unable to do that
then . . . . . do you want a life
with more of what you've
had already? Because
that's what you'll be getting.
(Except, it will only
get worse.)
Please take
very good
care of yourself.
The alcoholism is simply the sugar coating. The root cause of why they behave the way they do is NOT pretty. It has twists and turns and in my experience it leads to a worse dead end.
Do not pursue couple's counseling, pursue it individually.
Plus, my ex could not maintain sobriety with alcohol and resumed drinking and stepped it up to physical abuse to get my attention. (By then I had goggled the word Narcissism, the gig was up.)
Sorry to sound so harsh in your time of need. Keep going to Al Anon and learn everything you can about alcoholism. Keep the focus on YOU and getting healthy. This board is although a wealth of information and as I said the alcoholism is only one layer.
You are doing the right thing by reaching out and fleshing out your concerns and questions. Keep going... you are stronger than you might imagine. :)