Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
I've realized that a lot of my friends are actually NOT supportive (going back years), and I'm wondering what your experiences with friendships have been.
The group of friends I've had for the past 2 years are all rather selfish/manipulative -- yet on the surface they look really "nice." They'll say cruel things about other people, etc., and they're quite shallow. Kind of like the Mean Girls movie, except they don't treat me that way -- I make friend the fastest of all of them, so they know I would drop them quickly if they did that.
They also poach my new friends -- all of them know each other through ME. The minute I make a new friend, they snap them up. They can't seem to make friends on their own, at all.
I'm distancing myself from them now.
But the group of friends I had 2 years before that, were similar! Which is why I made this new group 2 years ago.
Both this new, and old group, seemed "nice" and like good people initially -- and their image is of that. But their behavior is actually shallow, selfish, user kind of people. A couple of girls in both groups actually hit their boyfriends, and didn't see a problem with it.
You'd never know that to look at them though.
So I'm wondering if maybe I attracted people like this? Do people w/ emotional abuse in their lives tend to attract friends like this also?
Or are kind people (who aren't abusive, or cruel in any way) simply rare??
I can only think of maybe 2-3 people I've ever been friends with who weren't like this, as they now live across the country. However, I'm not sure if that's because I at
I now need to make a more supportive group of friends, but I'm not sure where to look. Curious to hear all of your experiences.
And I want to say THANK YOU to everyone on this board, by the way. You've really helped me so very much. it's wonderful to have such a supportive place, and I wish this existed in real life!
The group of friends I've had for the past 2 years are all rather selfish/manipulative -- yet on the surface they look really "nice." They'll say cruel things about other people, etc., and they're quite shallow. Kind of like the Mean Girls movie, except they don't treat me that way -- I make friend the fastest of all of them, so they know I would drop them quickly if they did that.
They also poach my new friends -- all of them know each other through ME. The minute I make a new friend, they snap them up. They can't seem to make friends on their own, at all.
I'm distancing myself from them now.
But the group of friends I had 2 years before that, were similar! Which is why I made this new group 2 years ago.
Both this new, and old group, seemed "nice" and like good people initially -- and their image is of that. But their behavior is actually shallow, selfish, user kind of people. A couple of girls in both groups actually hit their boyfriends, and didn't see a problem with it.
You'd never know that to look at them though.
So I'm wondering if maybe I attracted people like this? Do people w/ emotional abuse in their lives tend to attract friends like this also?
Or are kind people (who aren't abusive, or cruel in any way) simply rare??
I can only think of maybe 2-3 people I've ever been friends with who weren't like this, as they now live across the country. However, I'm not sure if that's because I at
I now need to make a more supportive group of friends, but I'm not sure where to look. Curious to hear all of your experiences.
And I want to say THANK YOU to everyone on this board, by the way. You've really helped me so very much. it's wonderful to have such a supportive place, and I wish this existed in real life!
I don't have friends currently.
There are healthier, happier, and more positive-minded people out there. They aren't necessarily rare. We simply have to look for them. I know that I tend to feel uncomfortable making contact with those more positive-minded folk, so I literally have to force myself to do it anyway. I have a host of fears about making new friends, so it is rather anxiety-provoking when I find myself desperately wanting to really get to know someone that displays a very positive mind-set about life. And I am also slow to warm up to people. I don't jump into friendship easily because it isn't my style. I have a preference for one on one interactions or very small groups because I prefer to make deep connections with people. Being in larger groups of people tends to drain my energy. So, I tend to observe people first and if my urge to get to know them increases, then I make the move to do so, even if I have to talk myself into first.
Most of the friendships that I have made over the years were sudden and intense. And each one of those friendships turned out to be toxic for me and for them. Those were the people who fed into my misery and allowed me to wallow, whine, b*tch, moan, and complain all the time. They did it, too, right along with me. This isn't healthy for anyone. Those are the people who don't speak up to tell you that this new guy you are dating gives them the creeps. They just sit there, watch hell break loose, and then tell you later that they saw it coming. Those aren't the people I want around me.
So, I currently have one truly, healthy friend in my life. I have a narcissistic friend, but that is a friendship that I continue to distance myself from more and more. The truth is, I'd rather have that one healthy friend, even though she lives 1000 miles away, than a dozen "friends" who are negative, self-centered, and fake.
And I'm making friends here, on DS. Yea, its a website. But its still friendship.
I agree with JillieBean, when people are not healthy, they attract likewise unhealthy people.
And it is normal to not trust your own instincts and intuition after/during an abusive relationship. In my case, I worked in the service industry tending bar or cocktail waitressing. The people I surrounded myself with were drowning their own pain in booze, had significantly inappropriate boundaries, and didn't make themselves available for companionship unless there was alcohol involved. It took a long time to distance myself from these people because they were the only people I had. However, the bad influence outweighed the companionship. I spend a whole lot of time alone these days, and take a long time to establish friendships.
There are plenty of good, reasonable people out there, but I think that in order to attract them, we also have to be able to offer good, reasonable friendship in return... I think it's harder to attract good people when we don't feel so good. It's also hard to decide if one bad moment with a person reflects their whole outlook on life, or just a fluke - a bad day we witnessed them having. I've made an effort to talk to more people, different people, trust my gut feelings, and re-evaluate should something unusual happen, and I'm guessing that's the only way to really get there - to keep trying and believe in your right to choose who you associate with.
Great post!
Of the friends I have now, some are very good people. Others I know have issues with addiction, or I know have treated their significant others in was that make me cringe. A few occasionally behave in ways that make me uncomfortable, but none of that behavior is directed towards me in any way. I'm truly lucky to not have to deal with too many toxic people in my life. That's why my ex confused me so badly - I've never been around anyone ever that acted the way she did. I was completely blind sighted that someone could act like she did or say the hurtful things that she did towards people she claimed to love.
But with him, I stayed. That's "love" for ya!
The other thing about being in abusive relationships or having grown up with abuse is that we have often not learned to set and maintain appropriate boundaries. This has a double effect. On the one hand, the unhealthy appreciate our lack of appropriate boundaries because they can take advantage, they are not held accountable for what they say/do. On the other hand, healthy people often steer clear, because they can see that WE are not healthy. And so we end up with dysfunctional friendships as well as dysfunctional relationships.
It's validating to know I'm not the only one who has struggled with this.
I do believe we all have some common threads in our lives, simply for being on this message board. And I also believe we are all here with the intention of healing and making our lives better.
I agree that we can attract (or at least, not repel), not supportive people if that's all we've known.
I'm pulling away from my less supportive friends.
Surprisingly, I did something differently today. When I got (what I thought was) a hurtful text from a friend (telling me to basically suck it up, and put myself in phobic situations until I get over it...she said just force myself, even if I have a panic attack!), I did tell her it hurt my feelings, and she did clarify that she was trying to help and said doing this had worked for her, and she hadn't meant any harm -- at least she apologized. And didn't say I was crazy.
And one friend did come across town to hang out, and she was ok with the restaurant we'd planned on going to being closed. I appreciated that she seemed supportive.
So I DO see a silver lining on all of these clouds. And I do believe love is out there, even when I can't see it yet.
Thank you all for being here, and lending so much support.
What I find also funny (funny creepy and not really lol) is that all of the older women that I am friends with that I have spoken to about the abuse have mentioned times in their lives when they were not sure they could stay with their husbands. And this was said with sympathy and understanding, not as a way of saying, oh you'll get through the bad times. Weird huh, but in general I have gotten nothing but support. I think that is rare. I am pretty lucky.
L4S
"...the unhealthy appreciate our lack of appropriate boundaries because they can take advantage, they are not held accountable for what they say/do. On the other hand, healthy people often steer clear, because they can see that WE are not healthy. And so we end up with dysfunctional friendships as well as dysfunctional relationships. "
I have to agree with this wholeheartedly.
My abusive relationship left me vulnerable and, after leaving, for a period of time I found myself attracting some rather maladjusted, manipulative people into my life. At the time I was actually grateful for their 'friendship,' but as I started to heal and become stronger, one by one they (thankfully) disappeared. Unhealthy people don't like boundaries...
Recognizing toxic friendships is important and weeding them out is essential to our well-being.
I think while we are not yet ready to heal and move forward, we accept un-supportive people as normal. We see their not so supportive behavior, but it's still not as bad as our spouse, parent, etc, so it's ok with us.
And then supportive people who may step into our lives meet those folks, and walk away. Because your friends are their friends too, or as healthy people they will be, and so they might want to be your friend. But they sure don't want to deal with narcissistic Nelly!
When we start to heal, and start to see the patterns of those folks, and they slowly lose their grip on this unhealthy relationship we had, the supportive ones can come and be friends with you.
I hope that makes sense! I saw this when I was going through my divorce, and when I lost my property. I was shocked at who stepped up to be my friends, many were folks I did not see as more then "clients" or "acquaintances" are now my dear friends. A few I have asked why they weren't closer to me before, i needed them! And all said the same thing, we've always liked you, but we could not stand your ex, this friend or that, but we couldn't be rude and say so to you, you liked them.
Hope that makes sense!