You are looking for a normal relationship
with an abuser.

You're not "too sensitive."
You're not "too" anything.
You're looking for a normal, loving
relationship
with an abuser.

If you want to have your normal reactions
validated and have normal reactions
returned,
you'll have to leave your abusive husband
and look for a healthy, normal man
who is capable of a healthy, normal,
loving relationship.

Love yourself.
Honor yourself.
Take care of yourself.

Dump the abuser.

i used to respond in exactly the way he wanted. i would apologize, agree with him, admit i was awful - in fact i think a few times i actually did thank him for staying with me and being patient with me. then we would make up and i would be feeling worthless and like i had to change myself and my whole life if i wanted the privelege, the blessing of him staying with me.

as long as i responded this way, our relationship was relatively stable and happy. i was the only one to suffer, and because i suffered so extremely, he was satisfied within a day or two and things went back to normal.

after i had the revelation that he was WRONG, and that actually i am not horrible and worthless and the cause of all problems in our lives, i couldn't respond that way anymore. i begain asking him to share responsibility for our problems. that's when things started to go off the rails. they have now deteriorated to the point of no return and i am leaving.

the only way to make an abuser (relatively) happy is to do and say and think whatever they want you to do and say and think. only when everything is going exactly as they would like it to be can they treat you with kindness.

""""""""""""""""the only way to make an abuser (relatively) happy is to . . . . . . ."""""""""""""""


What does it take for YOU to be happy?

I used to know what made me happy. I used to write and go for walks and listen to music and do yoga, and sing and dance, and see movies, and be with friends, and dream about the future.

Once i got into my relationship the only way i could be happy was if he was happy. otherwise i was worrying about him and screwing up the relationship and losing the "great" thing i had. He also made sure that I couldn't enjoy the things that made me happy. Told me my writing sucked, my singing teacher was a fat bitter old woman, that i needed to work more, criticize my friends, etc.

I know now that I need to focus on making myself happy.

I was just talking about how I used to tailor my reactions, and why reacting as he wanted me to was the only way to keep the peace.

Strength-

That sounds exactly like my husband... We make up and I do everything perfect, meet all the expectations that he set... and then all of a sudden there are new expectations that I am not meeting and it starts all over again.

I have been through this sooo many times. I have sat through hour long lectures only to hear about how I never listen (though I can repeat the lecture by heart, I have heard it so many times).

I have had him rage at me that I am not gentle or meek enough (unlike him).

He has boasted about how incredibly humble he is, yet no one else is as humble as him--especially not me. He is humbleness of perfection--(interestingly, he believes humbleness means to cower under someone else's authority.)

He has pulled away from my touch and pouted for days, giving the reason that I don't touch him enough. So he refuses my hugs or the dinners that I make for days because I don't cook dinner enough or hug him enough.

He has completely destroyed holidays that effect the entire family, because everyone is so selfish...they never think about him. --remember, he is destroying everyone else's holiday--because the holiday isn't focused on him--and this is because everyone else is so selfish.

If your H is like mine, then I just have to say--he is CRAZYMAKING! You can not listen to a manipulative word that he says--and it is pointless to try to tell him your feelings. He is draining you dry and leaving you confused!

It was abusive for him to say that any other man would leave you--and his reply is complete BS. Even if you had said, "Ohhh, thank you for not leaving me, I am so sorry that you have to deal with such an insensitive, uncaring, non-loving person like me..." (which, by the way, most normal people would never ever say) he would just nod his head and go on and on about how uncaring you are forever.

Maybe you should do him a favor, if you are such a hardhearted b*tch, and dump him--move on with your life and spend your weekends enjoying the fruits of the hardhearted b*tch lifestyle that you so obviously are guilty of--and he can be free of your horrible tenancy to feel pain when he abuses you--instead of rightfully focusing on his feelings, and how awesome he is.

I, personally, would rather be a hardhearted b*ch than my H's toilet paper, which is what he thinks I should be.

Fortunately for me, I have seen some obvious hypocrisies in my H's speech. Like when, on my birthday, he accused me of being selfish for paying more attention to my son than him. It's really easy to see who is being selfish there, no matter what he says or how crazy drained I am from listening to it.

I bet you will find more hypocrisies in your H if you look. Then you might become more confident that you don't have to listen to his BS.

troubled--when I said that "most normal people wouldn't say that," about saying "thank you for staying with me," I just meant that only a super-dooper patient person would be able to say something like that--most people would take offense.
So--I read that you said something like that a couple of times and I wanted to specify that I wouldn't criticize anyone for saying that to their abuser.

I know how you feel a little too. I used to be an art major when I first met my H, but he told me that art majors were obsessed with sex and nudity and that if I continued to major in art our relationship would end because I would cheat on him with another sex-crazed art major. I can't believe I fell for it and switched majors.

Then he started trying to take over every hour of my day--if it wasn't spent cleaning house or working, then I was "having fun" while he was working, or it was "a waste of time, a luxury, spoiled". Suddenly I stopped thinking about doing my art or my writing, and instead I started focusing on what he wanted. However, since I figured him out I have begun to write a novel, and I no longer confuse his goals for me with my own goals (as much as I can).

I hope you start back up with your creative stuff. Your abuser might, if he is like mine, treat it like "frivolous, wasted time." But it's your time and your life. It is yours to control. Not his.

"any other man would have left years ago"
I hear that little gem all the time!

I don't normally respond but have read here for awhile and I know exactly the feeling you are experiencing, the freeze ups, the blank stare or not responding quick enough while I try to digest what just happened before I speak. He is just trying to point the finger, my H would not respond that calmly I know that because we've had a similiar fight. HUGS! I hope that the advice of the others helps. I know I try to use their strength and wisdom while I try to sort out my own life and marriage as it's really not cut and dry and we're always trying to figure out what 'normal' is. I look for the same answers regularily. Good Luck! HUGS!

Thanks for your replies everyone. I was feeling SO confused after all the 'talks'
The outcome was that he tells me I have major issues with my family of origin and childhood abuse which prevent me from having a normal close relationship with him ( true) and that I need to deal with it or the marriage will end ( aargh, pressure) and that he has had experience helping people with mental illness and emotional problems and he will understand and help me (humiliation, vomit, vomit) . Then he starts being pleasant to me again. I have a nasty feeling that when it all becomes my problem and he is my saviour, he
is content. What is this? Do I have to have problems for him to feel worthwhile and useful?

Yes, that is true for me for sure. When I take all the blame and admit that I am mentally ill and crazy and off balance and he becomes the amazing man for putting up with me, he is calm and his world is rosy.

Possum he has to gain his own self esteem by tearing down yours (and probably anyone else's). Everything was my fault....Nothing was ever his fault. I used to think (not say, because that's just looking for trouble) that it must be nice to never have to be accountable for ANYTHING because you have assigned every single responsibility to someone else.

It's not gonna change...it's gonna get worse. At some point you will just say ENOUGH. and then...GOODBYE!!!

I finally had the guts to kick my boyfriend out this weekend, he came back to the house the next morning after loosing his car keys and wallet crying like a baby and shaking with despair. I looked at him and did not feel one ounce of emotion. I then drove past him as he was wandering the streets trying to locate his wallet and keys. there he was waving frantically for me to stop and help, I gave a big wave truned the music up and carried on with my day. The look of utter disbeleif in his face was priceless.