Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
So I've been out of the house for about a month and half now, on my own in a new apartment. I have been relatively lucky in the sense that my ex has not been harassing me or contacting me constantly although he has been contacting me (I've not initiated anything). I'll start out by saying, in case some aren't familiar or don't recall, that he ended things...he wanted me out.
Almost every weekend and sometimes during the week he contacts me about dumb things like dropping off things I have left at the house (that either I left on purpose, because I didn't want them, or am not in a hurry to retrieve...snow tires and tent for example). When I make excuses like "I need to do this first" or "I'm waiting for that" (because I don't feel ready to see him yet), he offers to "do" things for me that he otherwise never would have offered to do while we were together. Other times he simply just wants to know "how I am". I keep things short and sweet as in "fine, thanks for asking".
This last point of communication was regarding an old pair of jeans I left (because I didn't want them...old and ratty). He said he found a pair of my jeans and wondered if I wanted them. He mentioned that they are the pair I wore on our first date. He is right, they are. I told him I didn't want them...they are old an ratty and he could just toss them away. he said ok.
Tell me, out of all the things I left purposely at the house, paintings, numerous other pieces of clothing, knick knacks etc, he contacts me about a pair of ratty jeans and while he claims to have no recollection of any important conversation we had while we were together, he remembers what I wore on our first date? WTF?
While this subtle baiting is very easy to brush off and ignore (which I'm thankful for and doing), I'm still trying to figure out what he is trying to accomplish here. Any thoughts? He is still dragging his heels signing the separation agreement and still says nothing when the topic of divorce comes up. I would have thought he'd given up by now given I'm not taking the bait and moved on in finding a new target.
Almost every weekend and sometimes during the week he contacts me about dumb things like dropping off things I have left at the house (that either I left on purpose, because I didn't want them, or am not in a hurry to retrieve...snow tires and tent for example). When I make excuses like "I need to do this first" or "I'm waiting for that" (because I don't feel ready to see him yet), he offers to "do" things for me that he otherwise never would have offered to do while we were together. Other times he simply just wants to know "how I am". I keep things short and sweet as in "fine, thanks for asking".
This last point of communication was regarding an old pair of jeans I left (because I didn't want them...old and ratty). He said he found a pair of my jeans and wondered if I wanted them. He mentioned that they are the pair I wore on our first date. He is right, they are. I told him I didn't want them...they are old an ratty and he could just toss them away. he said ok.
Tell me, out of all the things I left purposely at the house, paintings, numerous other pieces of clothing, knick knacks etc, he contacts me about a pair of ratty jeans and while he claims to have no recollection of any important conversation we had while we were together, he remembers what I wore on our first date? WTF?
While this subtle baiting is very easy to brush off and ignore (which I'm thankful for and doing), I'm still trying to figure out what he is trying to accomplish here. Any thoughts? He is still dragging his heels signing the separation agreement and still says nothing when the topic of divorce comes up. I would have thought he'd given up by now given I'm not taking the bait and moved on in finding a new target.
These people will never co-operate, which means they will never want something when YOU want that same thing. So, when you wanted to work on things, he couldn't give a monkeys. Now you actually HAVE upped and left and aren't noticeably sad about it, he can't be satisfied because he wanted you to be writhing and dependent on his every whim. He wants his controllable victim back.
Yeah *sigh* I got that. Over stupid little things as well. They will pick stuff they think might have a guilt hook for you. He probably hoped to come over all sentimental with the jeans, and melt you into coming back. That's what I think, anyway.
You aren't alone...big hugs xx
As I read your post I thought about how one of them might respond to this. I think he is seeing is he can still get some supply from you. He wants to know if he still has the power to Hoover you back in. It is an injury for him to think that you would be okay with discarding a pair of jeans that holds a link to him so he is fishing to see how much power he has over you and if he can still count on you to give me the validation he still needs.
Maybe I am reaching but it sounds like you are having a small shred of hope that he actually feels more for you than he ever let on. In that sense you might be looking for validation from him too.
I think he is playing with your mind. You seem to realize this which empowers you so that is good. In what I have read about narcissism (don't know for sure if that's what youre dealing with) I think that Ns are very keen in knowing all about their partners, however it isn't for the purpose of intimacy but for leverage. Maybe something like what a presidential gopher would do re his opponent.
I'm sorry that you are having to go through this mental and emotional cat and mouse game that you haven't asked to play. I think it is a strong case for NC. I don't know how I will fare with that when I get to that point.
I just wanted to add that it doesn't have to be anything 'sentimental' for them to use it. I was controlled often through money...so what did mine use as bait? Old bank statements that I'd left by mistake. Tried to make me feel vulnerable for not taking them.
It is not about them feeling anything for real; it is about them wanting to test your vulnerability and seeing how YOU react to what is on the end of the fishing rod they put out. And thereby judging how you may or may not be reeled back in.
I also agree NC is a good idea. He will eventually go elsewhere if you injure his ego by blanking and refusing him enough. But it would probably be nice to not have the constant fishing expeditions coming at you! xx
"Maybe I'm not a good guy."
"Many a lady has been disappointed in me :)" (weird smiley face...ugh!)
"I've got a black heart, me."
"I have a dark side."
So they do seem to know they are what they are. They just do not have the empathy to care about the destruction they cause, unless there is something in it for them from 'looking' sympathetic or appalled.
Just my take :) xx
Also, if you really want to see inside the mind of a diagnosed narcissist, google "I, Psychopath" - it's a documentary about Sam Vaknin, a diagnosed narcissist, who was looking to find out if he wa also a psychopath. It's pretty chilling, can be triggering, but it's a good insight into the minds of these types.