Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
I've finally come to realize (maybe I've known for a long time) that my husband is emotionally abusive. We have been married for over 15 years, and have a 12 yearold....and I really don't know what to do - at this time, I am choosing not to leave him for a variety of reasons - but most of which might be that I feel very strongly about trying to keep my son in a two parent household, I think that we have enough possitives that we can be good parents together, and my husband isn't that way all the time. My husband has never been a physical abuser, but he definently has mastered verbal. His abuse is like a pendulum - when we're up, we're really up and when we're down, I feel so out of place and like a guest in my own life!! We can go months without something bad happening , but then And what he does is so kiniving, and I could definently use some advice on things I can do to handle the down times. ** I should note that it's not always down or abusive!! It's not an excuse - my husband is a very involved, concerned, and loving father. He truely tries to provide my son and me with a blessed life, and delivers on that promise all the time. He has some amazing traits and has demonstraited the ability to be a really good parent, and a healthy spouse - when it's up. He genuinely wants our son to succeed and does anything needed to ensure that - i.e. putting him in the best school available, funding fun activies and sports, taking days off to spend special days with our son, and routinely spliting staying home when he's sick, being a coordinatore to ensure our son has friends in his life and a healthy balance.
When things aren't going as well - here are some of the things he does:
* Routinely call my and my son's intellegence into question, especially if we question or challenge him
*Calls us dispariging names
* Uses the fact that he pays for things as trump cards (he makes a fair amount of more $ than I do - Will say, " Well Since I paid for that - This is going to happen" when making decisions. Not much I can do with that due to it being very true that he pays for most things in our lives.
* Tells me all the time how I'm not needed, and can leave any time I want to, and he's more than prepaired to raise our son alone (baiting me to go)
* Routinely blows his temper in a disproportionate level to small or nauanced inconvienences. Is really good at blaming anyone around him for what might be going "wrong".
* Continually tells me what a horrible wife and mother I am.
* Continually calls me Mentally ill or a Psyco if I show any emotion that isn't happiness or try and call him out when I feel he's being cruel or unreasonable or when he calls me horrible names. (** I will say, I'm not exactly a door mat, so maybe my anger DOES look psyco to him - but I'm just so tired of getting angry at the same things!) I have routinely responded that I will not be talked to like that or have left the room when when things get out of hand.
*He makes family descisions without my input - or to be vindictive - and then will cite some other reason for the descision. This feels hard to explain - but for instance we have a dog without my consent, a third vehical without my knowing, and he decided he was going to rent a house in another state while complaining about how much money we have in our current house.
* He threatens my living situation (i.e. living with him) if I don't comply with his demands - i.e. walking the dog I never asked for, additonally funding the extra car and house, not having enough sex with him when he wants it - saying "If I want to live here (our house), I'll do it, because he pays for things".
* Tells me constantly how I don't pull my weight - despite me holding down a full time job, and holding our family's health insurance. I don't have a college degree, but have a respectable income of a person who has been at a job for 10+ years.
This list goes on. And I could actually do a list equally of all the positives in him too (might be for another day, haha)....It's just so confusing. I'm halfway out the door half the time, and then soldily in a "happy" and thriving relationship the rest of the time. We talk, we have sex, we have common goals, and we try and be good parents - but there is just this other side that rears it's head and then that just sucks everything positive out of me! I'm not sure how to try for less of a drastic mood swing with he and I, or how to effectively parent my son through some of the havoc this is causing.
Thanks in advance for reading this long if you did. Your thoughts are appeciated.
since it appeared again
and have to ask you. . .
if you listed each and
every positive, would
your pain over the rest
of the abuse (which is
substantial), be alleviated?
If you can honestly answer
that question with "yes,"
then I guess you should stay.
If you can't honestly say
that the positives really
outweigh the pain caused
by his constant abuse, then
you need to consider alternatives.
Also, at some point you
posed the question of
whether your son was
being unreasonable to
not want to have his
picture taken. My
perspective on that
is that your son has
every right to say no,
to having his picture
taken. The fact that
your husband would
not respect that puts
HIM in the wrong, as
he obviously is so
very often, being
an persistent abuser.
I understand confusion.
I've been there.
Ultimately, life is finite.
Every sunset puts a day
behind, a day that will
not come again. At
some point, each of
us has more sunsets
behind us than ahead,
and we have to accept
that we chose the path
we did, with a future
that becomes shorter
and shorter.
My final thought is to
ask yourself what your
son is learning, living
under the roof of abuse.
Sending you good thoughts
and wishes for better days.
If it were, it would be an
easier call.
But telling your son he loves
him followed by calling his
intelligence into question
and then calling both your
son and his mother disparaging
names is not likely to result in
a healthy human being, later on.
Further, growing up with this
behavior coming from his
most important role model. . . .
what do you think your son
is learning?
Threatening you with eviction
because he brings in the
monetary contribution -----
well ----- what can I say
except to ask you how
you feel being threatened
in this way.
And you ended your
original post saying
that what you listed
was scratching the
surface, and you
could go on.
Also, you wrote:
It's just so confusing. I'm halfway out the door half the time, and then soldily in a "happy" and thriving relationship the rest of the time.
Confusion is the hallmark
of abuse.
A marriage characterized by
abuse half the time, can not
produce a thriving, happy
relationship the other half
of the time. The reality is
that that half of the time
is simply the moments of
brief respite when the abuser
is taking a break from abusing.
I hope you'll talk seriously
with a counselor who can
help you work your way
through your confusion
to a place someday,
where you're living
free of abuse ALL of
the time.
I'll send my best thoughts
a nd prayers for you and
your son.
Recently, even more so after many of the comments here, I can say, I have been very vocal with my husband in pointing out when I feel things are vastly inappropriate. I have presented the option of divorce (recently), and have also told him I will not continue in our marriage if we don't seek counseling together. We're still working through that discussion as we are rarely in the same place at the same time physically to be able to go together. As well, I have noticed my husband making a concerted effort to watch his mouth and to take ownership of where his comments have hurt us the most. I know this is a tactic some abusers use to just get through a moment, however, I honestly feel it's heartfelt.
I should note, that my son is doing very well in all other areas that a 12 year old is required to pay attention to. He currently is doing well in school, plays hockey, play soccer, made a lead part in the school play, is helpful around the house, and is for the most part a respectful child. I have not lost hope yet, that my husband and I can be good people together, especially since our son is really important to us.
I have not had the counseling sessions yet, the one I'm going to could not get me in until the end of February. I'm curious to see what their advise is to do as well. However, I find solace in the Serenity Prayer. I have faith that however it needs to work out, it will. We will get through this either together or apart - and my main goal, my husband has actually stated this as well, is that if it does end up being apart, that we are able to still be solid parents to our son. I take to heart that clearly - the hubb's is probably thinking we are not that great for each other either, if indeed it's a source of unhappiness.
Please check out the thread
that I've bumped for you
regarding couples counseling
and abusive relationships.