Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
I've finally come to realize (maybe I've known for a long time) that my husband is emotionally abusive. We have been married for over 15 years, and have a 12 yearold....and I really don't know what to do - at this time, I am choosing not to leave him for a variety of reasons - but most of which might be that I feel very strongly about trying to keep my son in a two parent household, I think that we have enough possitives that we can be good parents together, and my husband isn't that way all the time. My husband has never been a physical abuser, but he definently has mastered verbal. His abuse is like a pendulum - when we're up, we're really up and when we're down, I feel so out of place and like a guest in my own life!! We can go months without something bad happening , but then And what he does is so kiniving, and I could definently use some advice on things I can do to handle the down times. ** I should note that it's not always down or abusive!! It's not an excuse - my husband is a very involved, concerned, and loving father. He truely tries to provide my son and me with a blessed life, and delivers on that promise all the time. He has some amazing traits and has demonstraited the ability to be a really good parent, and a healthy spouse - when it's up. He genuinely wants our son to succeed and does anything needed to ensure that - i.e. putting him in the best school available, funding fun activies and sports, taking days off to spend special days with our son, and routinely spliting staying home when he's sick, being a coordinatore to ensure our son has friends in his life and a healthy balance.
When things aren't going as well - here are some of the things he does:
* Routinely call my and my son's intellegence into question, especially if we question or challenge him
*Calls us dispariging names
* Uses the fact that he pays for things as trump cards (he makes a fair amount of more $ than I do - Will say, " Well Since I paid for that - This is going to happen" when making decisions. Not much I can do with that due to it being very true that he pays for most things in our lives.
* Tells me all the time how I'm not needed, and can leave any time I want to, and he's more than prepaired to raise our son alone (baiting me to go)
* Routinely blows his temper in a disproportionate level to small or nauanced inconvienences. Is really good at blaming anyone around him for what might be going "wrong".
* Continually tells me what a horrible wife and mother I am.
* Continually calls me Mentally ill or a Psyco if I show any emotion that isn't happiness or try and call him out when I feel he's being cruel or unreasonable or when he calls me horrible names. (** I will say, I'm not exactly a door mat, so maybe my anger DOES look psyco to him - but I'm just so tired of getting angry at the same things!) I have routinely responded that I will not be talked to like that or have left the room when when things get out of hand.
*He makes family descisions without my input - or to be vindictive - and then will cite some other reason for the descision. This feels hard to explain - but for instance we have a dog without my consent, a third vehical without my knowing, and he decided he was going to rent a house in another state while complaining about how much money we have in our current house.
* He threatens my living situation (i.e. living with him) if I don't comply with his demands - i.e. walking the dog I never asked for, additonally funding the extra car and house, not having enough sex with him when he wants it - saying "If I want to live here (our house), I'll do it, because he pays for things".
* Tells me constantly how I don't pull my weight - despite me holding down a full time job, and holding our family's health insurance. I don't have a college degree, but have a respectable income of a person who has been at a job for 10+ years.
This list goes on. And I could actually do a list equally of all the positives in him too (might be for another day, haha)....It's just so confusing. I'm halfway out the door half the time, and then soldily in a "happy" and thriving relationship the rest of the time. We talk, we have sex, we have common goals, and we try and be good parents - but there is just this other side that rears it's head and then that just sucks everything positive out of me! I'm not sure how to try for less of a drastic mood swing with he and I, or how to effectively parent my son through some of the havoc this is causing.
Thanks in advance for reading this long if you did. Your thoughts are appeciated.
I highly recommend the book 'Why does he do that?' by Lundy Bancroft. It helped me to come out of the fog of my marriage to a very accomplished and subtle emotional abuser.
But here's the bottom line:
You're child is growing up
under the roof of abuse.
It's toxic and he's absorbing
that toxicity.
He will inevitably be effected
and he will be effected
throughout his entire life.
For the record,
couples counseling
with an abuser is
worse than
nothing at all.
There's a thread on here
that will help show why.
When I have time, I'll find
it and bump it, for you.
You, however, would
benefit from individual
counseling.
I have more I'd like
to say, but no time
right now.
Sending you hugs
and wishes for
clarity and healing.
I hear your story and hear mine as the same. I hope I can offer you some perspective. There is one small difference. Well, not small j/k. I am male and my abuser is female. We have been together 18 years, married 16. Yes it was fun and crazy at first. But I did recognize the signs right away. She said she can be "critical". I told her I would not accept that. Here I am 18 years later.
But on to you. What resonates with me is the highs and the lows. It is like a roller coaster. The highs are great and the lows are horrible. Alot of people dont understand that. You seem to get it High.
My wife can be good for like 9 months at a time. Then something goes wrong and yes the rug comes out. I guess the question is do you love him? It sounds like you do. It makes a difference.
She makes more than me and throws it in my face all the time. It is difficult.
What has kept us together is we have common interests. We do things together. We look at things the same. We think the same. We joke we are the same person, different sex. Only difference is she cant control her anger and probably never will. I have to decide whether I can live with that. And so do you. Does the good outweigh the bad? No abuse is ok but I also dont believe if your abused its an automatic out either.
These are the tough cases when there are alot of good and bad. I know people who have stayed and people who have left. Question is. How bad is it? I dont know how old you are but perhaps you could make do until child turns 18. Alot of people do it. Divorce is never easy. My best friend is going through it and he is crushed. His kids are 16 and 13. Somehow they are making it work.
But if it makes you feel any better I wonder if I am crazy too for putting up with this. Doesnt mean we will forever but Im just used to it. I hope this helps and please respond if you like.
Martin
There have been several times where he'll say something nasty to me and I literally think - this is it, I'm mad enough now, I'm hurt enough now, I'm leaving now. But then we ultimately communicate about what it is and generally, come to a consensus that staying together is beneficial for all involved. He also in those discussions will apologize, sincerely. There are parts of that, which feel pretty healthy to me - like communication, having our son's well being as a common goal, not wanting to be like our miserable, divorced friends. We too see the perils of divorce all around us - most of our friends are divorced and remarried - their kids are certainly paying the price. We both don't want to be that. I also am a child of a contentious parental divorce situation - and so know first hand how horrible it can get with the custody battles and what not. I don't want to put my son through that. So yea, that feels like it works. I think anyone would agree that open communication is key to making things work.
But then the pendulum swings out the other way - and it just sucks!
So you ask , "How bad is it?"
To give an example - our family tried to go to a movie just last night. Simple plan was to have appetizers and drinks then go to the movie - At the restaurant - he spent all of dinner threading out little barbs to me and insinuating that I was eating too much (despite my only ordering a small appetizer which he then ate most of in addition to his). Then in the theater, my husband tried to take a photo of our son. My son didn't want to take the picture and so vehemently refused. My husband then threatened to "Never bring him here (the theater) again" and told my son to "stop acting like a F**cking dick" - and then took his picture anyway. When we were all sat down, he asked me to go get him M&M's - which I refused because the movie was about to start - to which he called me, " F**cking useless." - This is pretty much what happens 80% of time we go anywhere with him. What do you do when you're in public and those comments come out? Start a fight? Return the attitude? Try and take the high ground (which to be honest, I have no idea if what I'm doing is taking the high-ground - I try not to acknowledge what I consider an adult version of a 3 year old tantrum) or - if my son was in fact being a little bit of a jerk about a simple photo? - Then my husband later apologized in the night, to both of us, citing that he was stressed.
So is it that bad enough to be like, " ok Eff it! I'm done!" or does it warrant a discussion later on about expectations and what not? I'm at a total loss of what to do these days. And yes the thought of making it until my son is 18 has definitely crossed my mind.
To answer your question - I'm 34 (he's 48) - The age difference alone is a huge factor, I know, and maybe why he's so damn condescending all the time. But his apologies sound and feel empty to me. So am I just focusing on negatives all the time? Should I lighten up on my critiques of him because he apologized? Am I justified in thinking that it shouldn't have to get to the point where he's apologizing for his comments all the time?
Thanks for responding. I see so many of the same things in my spouse that you are experiencing. There are a few important ones. The constant name calling and degradation wearing you down. Its true. Sometimes I feel like I am a whack a mole or a stake and she is pounding me into the ground. And each time I go further down in to the ground. But I do or used to have high self esteem so I take the high road. Dont ever let him take your self esteem. You are intelligent and self aware.
I have gotten the 'useless" comment and I think that hurts the worst. I just snap. Like I want to leave right then. It is the worst thing you could call someone, in my opinion. So I get that. Try and ignore that, it wont stop.
She used to do stuff to me in public too. You know what, how small do you have to be to put someone else down in public. Ridiculous. I would try and address it then and after, quietly and she would say "oh I was just kidding". Typical abuser self talk. Try and nip it in the bud right away if you can. Theoretically if you were at a restaurant and he was saying you were eating too much you could say loudly back to him, "what do you mean Im eating too much" so others or the server could hear. That would make him look like a total ass. A dose of his own medicine you know?
I think it is good that you are able to communicate. Half the battle. Its why most marriages fail. So that is a positive. My wife and I also talk about alot of other couples who divorce. We at 16 years married have outlasted most other friends we know. Why? Because we're miserable? No. because we communicate and talk it out and respect the institution. The grass is not always greener.
You should expect an apology. And you should NOT lighten up because he apologized. YOU didnt do anything wrong. Sadly, I dont even get an apology. She can do no wrong. Thats what drives me crazy!!!Ive apologized like 2-3 times in 16 years for something Ive said. Not every other day like abusers.
I wonder if he is perhaps slightly bi-polar. My wife is. I say that because of the ups and downs. The roller coaster of a f in marriage. I am unfortunately am used to it because my Dad was an alcoholic abuser and we rode the roller coaster every day.
You seem to have a good understanding of it but it sure helps to have people in the same boat and on your crew right?