becouse you know it could change any time and you have ben hurt may be one to many time . Im sorry you feel tis way !

Difficult to be happy and just accept it when you know it's highly unlikely that it will last. It's not knowing when he'll strike again (physically or emotionally) that causes the anxiety.

I remember that place. I was so confused and so out of touch with my feelings (because of constant double messages) that I couldn't understand why my H made me anxious or incredibly angry - and this happened when he was being Mr. Wonderful. I would say to myself, "he's being so nice, so why am I so furious?". The answer was, for me anyway, was that it was fake and that's what I wasn't picking up on.

For example, our first year of marriage was a nightmare. Only a couple of weeks after our wedding he turned into a raving, screaming, and demanding lunatic - in private. Once I decided that it was over, he had been cozying up to a family friend of mine (he did some concrete work for them and boy, oh boy, did he play them). He must have told them we were having all sorts of problems. They, of course, didn't want to see us break up, and in a gesture of goodwill they took us out to dinner. I remember not enjoying a minute of it, because my H was being so charming and nice. That confused the hell out of me. Had I been wrong about him? Did he have a reason for what he was doing? Maybe it was me? And maybe I deserved his rants/punishment?

Later that evening the band played our wedding song and he asked me to dance with him. I couldn't believe it! If you knew this man you would know for sure 1.) he can't dance, and 2.) he hated dancing with a passion. So I was thrown - what a romantic gesture. Well, of course I would look like an ass for not accepting in front of our friends - they were thinking... awww, he's so sweet and he's really making such an effort.

Finally, on the way out of the restaurant, I remember walking to the car with him and I was so mad I could have hit him, but I didn't know why at the time. I truly thought - wow, what the hell is wrong with me? Here he is making this enormous effort and all I want to do is slug him. It must be me.

It was all a set up- a total and complete set up. I was angry because it was fake - all of it. It was just to impress my friends, and convince them that he wasn't an abuser and nothing else. My instincts were telling me something that my mind didn't grasp because of all the mixed messages. It was a lie. That's why I was so angry!

Not too much time after that, he started in on me again. Nothing changed, with the exception of him fine tuning his abuse skills on me.

I used to always fool myself into thinking that it would be all right. I've always had a very Pollyana-ish view of the world, so when things were good, I was certain that this was going to be the time that it stayed that way.

My attitude did NOT serve me well.

It would have been better to feel as you guys did, because then maybe it wouldn't have taken me so long to get to where I am now.

Ahhh! That's where you're mistaken rachael. "Us" guys were you, and most still are. Thinking that we're "stronger" because we have a healthier attitude only serves to make you feel defective. I assure you - I was you! and in some respects I still am. Leaving and dealing with an abuser is a process - a long process of healing, and that's why we refer to it as "recovery". Because that's what we're doing with the support of people here, and outside help as well.

You're no different in your feelings, we've all felt them at one time or another- you're just in a different stage of recovery and you will be okay.

I really am just in the beginning stages pretty much.

it wan only two years ago that I sat up thought that I didn't love him anymore.

and it's only been about 2 months since I realized that it was abuse!

i feel the same way, i have these awful anxiety attacks specialy panic attacks speacially when i{m heading for work, which is not a good place for me to be with my condition since everyone is a freaking backstabers but i have to keep working, and i still have a good support group in my family but i cant tell them everything i feel, theyll just worry more, i think that all you can do now is focus on YOU on your problems and how to get out of them and hopefully make your husband participant of whats going on with you so he to will understand and wont become so distant

So easy to fool ourselves into thinking everything will be ok because we hope and hope and hope and long for the relationship that we want and need. So hard to let go of dreams and face reality. So easy to blame ourselves rather than face the fact that someone who should love us would treat us so badly. I have had 19 years of blaming myself in my marriage and am only just becoming able to accept that when my husband yells and says unkind things to me that it is not my fault. It takes so long to accept the truth. Dreams die a slow death...

that's the best.

the day you realize that it's him. not you.

the day you realize that you don't deserve the treatment.

the day you look your abuser in the eye and see him for what he is.

you feel that much stronger.

Oh, I just awoke as well and I can assure you I feel so angry as well. My kids have said to me that they feel he is giving 95% why can't I just give him 5% back? He is fooling them too, to make me look like the bad guy! Once you are awake, it gets pretty hard... I cry when he forces me to have sex, the acting gets harder and harder. You have to get out of this - it is not life, and you deserve so much better!

I know exactly how you feel, I am trying so hard to get out myself... because I know I deserve a chance to be happy as well!

@possumlady. Very well said!

@katherine. I know exactly what you mean about the acting. I'm the kind of person that wears her heart on her sleeve AND I'm a terrible actor- that automatically makes me a terrible liar. How I wish I could lie like he can... anyway,

As I keep informing myself to the kind of abuse I've been subjected to, the creepier he gets. Sometimes I get so creeped out, I can hardly sleep or eat. More and more pieces (things that didn't make sense at the time over the years that I filed away) are coming together, and I see what he's really been doing all along.

Most days, I have to try not to think about it. I only know for sure some things, I can't even imagine what I don't know! I have to fight the urge to RUN every single day. I've never felt this angry, or freaked out in my life, and the worst part is - he was always like this, I just didn't see it.

I try not to hate myself too much because either he's that good, or I'm that stupid! I'm thinking he's that good - some of the stories I wrote, and read back to myself would make a great Lifetime Movie of the week.

I completely know what you mean - but the creepiness actually is helping me see what an absolute fraud he is. It propels me to believe that I am not crazy like I thought for so long and that he is the one with serious issues.

I will not spend one more day of my life with him that I do not have to. Penniless with freedom sounds better than where I am today.